Tuesday, 10 May 2011

smoother than the L.A. weather, that's how he holds himself together.

today in psychopathology we learned about the science behind butterflies in your stomach.

which is ironic, because i've been dealing with that a lot lately.

so, because i've made you curious now (unless you are remotely knowledgable about science and already know this, but i'm in Arts, okay?) it's the serotonin in your guts that reacts to anxiety. apparently it mimics the serotonin in your brain, but you notice it in your stomach because 80% of the serotonin in your body is there (okay, sciencey friends, if i'm wrong, i'm sorry, i was mostly paying attention but i might have gotten some details mixed up in my head). 

but back to my butterflies. they haven't really been good ones. i'm just feeling very confused these days.

first, i had made plans for a skype date with Daniel. I was anxious about it, knowing our conversations are wonderful or terrible, but I have missed him and was looking forward to hearing about what's up in his life. But then, he bailed. This was even worse than the anxiety leading up to the call, because then I had to question, did I do something wrong? Did something I say upset him? And other such over analytical questions that cross our minds in situation like these. 

I was being silly. He forgot about the call, and I understand that, I've done it before. But with all the moving I do, so many people walk in and out of my life all the time. Now, with him slowly moving out of my life, I feel like I have so little consistency when it comes to support systems in my life. So, my feelings were hurt, and I had that lame butterflies feeling.

Then, the other source of lame butterflies is max. We haven't had too much contact since I've been back at school, which is fine, I totally understand how busy that job is, and I'm not usually availiable in the hours that  he would have free. so, I took a step back. To me, the fact that we talked so little (I felt like it was usually a lack of response from him, but I'm bias) was his way of telling me he was over it, and I needed to get there too (let's be real for a second... i totally haven't washed his tee shirt so it still smells like him... we've all done it before). But then, after not responding to his message for a couple days (i'd checked it on my way out the door and forgotten to respond) he asked me today if I was upset with him! I'm just so confused! 

I thought he was just letting me go slowly so it was easier, you know? The whole, "let's talk less and less each week until we forget we ever even cared about each other" strategy. It sucked, but I had to deal, and became comfortable with that idea. Now, I'm confused again. I get butterflies thinking about it, and they just worsen at the idea of seeing him. I'm potentially seeing him and Florian in June, and we never settled what that meant in terms of our relationship. 

I need a guide to germans stat.

frankly, i need a guide to men in general. just when i think i've got it all figured out, they throw another curveball. 

- ella faye

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