Saturday, 17 December 2011

and sometime soon after that, you'll see me come crawling back.

i feel like the essence of who i am is lost in the crazy that is life here.

the videos i've been posting have been me, trying with all i have, to capture the moment's where i am alive again. where i am reminded why i'm here.

but i feel like.
i'm just a girl who max didn't care enough about to stay loyal and close.
who's father hit her.
who dated the wrong guy for way to long, and let him push her too far.
who's mother is trying to buy her affection because she knows her new boyfriend trumps all us kids.
who, frankly, is a result of my mom marrying the wrong man.
and who can't be consoled by anyone here in this isolated, and lonely place.

only one more week. 
my heart aches for home right now.

it's been a long four months, but i'm reminded in the simple moments as i'm dancing with marian or talking hockey with doug, that life is beautiful, and that my purpose is much greater than i understand.

- ella faye

and it was just like the sun.

Saturday, 3 December 2011

are we gonna do this, or what?

i feel like i just might as well admit that i have fallen completely head over heels with mystery boy michael.

the whimsical attitude i had about him when i wrote that first letter to him months ago still swells in my heart.

i just never thought i'd have this connection to someone. i miss him more than i knew possible.

and now i have to be back here at work.

with my stupid coworker sam. but she's actually been a lot better since i've been back this time. maybe she hates me as much as i hate her and so a week apart just refreshed her.

i don't know.

but being here is like, a constant reminder of sadness.

daniel and i broke up for real while i was here last time. i regretted that choice for a long time, and even though now I am happy about the outcome, as it lead me to Michael, i remember lying on my bed in tears trying to hang on to something i had let go of.

and then all that heartbreak with max. i don't know if i ever told you all, but he made out with the other assistant at his house while we were dating, and that really broke my heart. I felt like i'd given up Daniel stupidly, but then found renewal with Max, only to see he didn't really treat me all that well anyways.

and i moved here shortly after my dad died, i grieved here. Spent his first birthday since his passing here.   Spent the first anniversary of his death here (because Sam didn't want to give up Thanksgiving weekend off too).

this house is just filled with heartache for me. and now it's the constant reminder that I live on the other side of the country from my wonderful boyfriend.

it's no wonder i'm so full of sorrow here.
but only like, three more weeks until I can leave this house.

i love the folks, they bring me joy, but the sadness in my heart just wins.

being back in Residence will bring back my joy, i promise.

as if you could not fall in love with this backdrop.

- ella faye