Wednesday, 28 November 2012

we danced together alone.

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote.

my world has been so crazy and out of control, and I was really at a loss for words.

honestly, I came on here and started to write at least 15 times, but for some reasons, words escaped my mind and i'd find myself staring at phrases that couldn't even begin to give a true picture of my world.

so here i am, trying again.

i am still, deeply and passionately in love with Michael. I am thankful every day that I have been blessed with such an amazing and Godly man, and I can't wait to start the rest of my life with him.

i am also blessed with great friends. i am surrounded by amazing people, who are carinf, passionate and genuine.

and something else I am grateful for, is my transition into becoming an adult. something I learned in my positive psych class, is that as we get older, we rid the negative relationships in our lives, and i've really been pushing to do this recently.

i tried so hard to be friends with some people, for so long. but i can't do the manipulation or the immaturity any longer. people who tell my friends that i "take advantage" of them or manipulate the people around them into fearing them, need to grow up, and it's not my job to make that happen. i don't need to spend my life walking on eggshells, i'd rather ruffle some feathers now and have the freedom of being able to enjoy my life.

and finally, i'm closing doors, and finding closure to a lot of things i have been struggling with.

so, to sum up the past month.

i love my boyfriend.
i admire my friends.
i miss my dad.
i am tired of immaturity.
i long for direction.
i respect myself.
i hate watching people i love be manipulated.
i ache for closure.
i enjoy my freedom.

i am working on me.

hopefully i will be back to explain further soon.

- ella faye

Monday, 22 October 2012

this is the last time, i won't hurt you anymore.

taylor swift sometimes explains my life better than i can.

i'll be back at blogger post crazy midterm times in my life.

- ella faye

Monday, 15 October 2012

makes me wanna take the long way home.

so, i decided sometimes i'm sick of knowing people read my blog, but never give me any feedback as to what they like/dislike about what i have to say/write.

as much as this is a space for me to use to vent, express my feelings, and share stories, it's a place for you to get to know someone, and to know you're not on your own. life is crazy for everyone, and it's nice to think someone else out there gets that.

anyways. i now have a special email just for you all, no matter where you are. questions or comments, it's your turn. you guys are important to me!

it's all you now!

- ella faye

i got more in store, and you got me.

oh man,

sometimes, now that i'm in my twenties, i realize some people grow up, and others don't.

this is my blog about oktoberfest.

people who don't?

my dear friend nathan. love him to bits, but seriously, maybe you don't need to try and take a girl home every time we go out! i feel like he stops appreciating our friendship whenever a girl in a slinky outfit walks by. we've been through a lot, and i will love him till the end, but i wish i felt more valuable more often in our friendship.

kevin. seriously? you introduced a girl to me as your "friends with benefits"! i feel so bad for that poor girl! not because she's hooking up with you, because i know you can be a nice guy, but i'd be so embarassed if someone ever introduced me as their "friends with benefits". One more reason i'm glad we broke up in first year!

adrian. don't apologize to me for not being friends, but refuse to admit you were an ass and believed gossip about me that wasn't true. at this point, who cares if i called you a player! if i had, said it, i'd own it by now.

sarah's friends. sarah has a new boyfriend, so what? don't awkwardly stare at him and not talk to him all night. you don't have to pick john or sarah, you should just be nice friends and get over yourselves.

kassym. don't cheat! i love you man, but don't text your ex or dance with other girls all the time if you're committing to a new relationship. sometimes you have to make hard choices, and playing two girls is the WRONG ONE. but no worries, i still love you tons even though you make bad choices.

john. no contact means no contact. don't say things to me to say to sarah. just don't talk to me about her if this is so much of an issue.

me right now. i'm feeling bitchy about people that whole night. it was super fun, but i'm sick of other peoples drama, which is why i'm venting, but i stayed calm, collected and friendly all night, in spite of the craziness.

people who do?

sarah. i'm so proud of her these days. she broke up with john, and he was a great guy, but i never thought they were as happy together as they could be. it's sad that he got hurt, but i know she did the best thing for her. and now, she is seeing someone new, and his is great. i've never seen her so happy, and he treasures her the way she deserves to be. i think i've finally met someone who isn't related to sarah, who cares about her as much as i do! it's crazy! and people have given her such a hard time for following her heart, but she has stayed true to herself, and that's awesome.

mark. he finally pick a girl i approve of. thank. you. jesus.

zeuner. i love when you stand up for yourself. i want you to be proud of who you are and your choices, and it makes me happy when you don't decide to do things just to appease other people.

miguel. i like that you're doing your own thing now. i know you didn't even go to oktoberfest, but a) being generous to give your ticket to a friend, and b) knowing your limits and when to stay in and do you (not in the literal sense, but if that is what you needed, then go for it!) that shows a lot of maturity. i'm proud of you!

me. i didn't even get mad at anyone while the night progressed! only today.

so as you can see, it was quite the crazy night for me, full of people whining, a crazy ex-boyfriend, a loser who i had to live in res with second year that i'd hoped to never see again, lots of fun dancing, beer, and good friends :)

just how university is supposed to go!

- ella faye

Sunday, 14 October 2012

i'm walking in a fire (when i walk into you)

oh hey.

so i got out of gotcha, finally.

i forgot when i excitedly posted about it how my excitement only lasts for like, 3 days, and then i just am embarassed to be carrying a sword around in public places. however, I was the last don left in the game, so i did accomplish that goal.

in other news, my floors is hilarious as ever. they're stressed with midterms and stuff, and i am too, but it makes me feel old to see them go through this milestone. i don't even really remember my first round of midterms or if i was particularly nervous. weird.

i also went to oktoberfest, but that deserves it's own post, so i'll try and get that to you tomorrow.

school is crazy for me right now, so excuse me if i'm even less consistant than usual. life is crazy.

but back to what i originally intended to blog about today.

i am desperate for a job for next term.

not in the "i'm willing to use jobmine and take a crappy job way" but in a "i'm ready to get a job that will help to further my career when i'm done school" kind of way.

i dream about it, i wake up with the sweats thinking about it (i know, more imagery than you needed)

i've never been stressed like this before. if i don't find a job, it's not that big of a deal, because i can a school term and stay here. it's not ideal financially, but in spite of my strained relationship with my mom, i know she has my back and would support me in that. but i don't want to fail, i want to be able to achieve the standard i have set for myself in this area.

and i want my floor to be proud of me! i want them to see me as success and value my thoughts and opinions about how they can succeed here at university as well! i know i can't make them all like me, and it's not my job to be their friend all the time, but i like to be liked, i think everyone does. it just scares me that i don't have control over this situation.

so, it's time for me to be vulnerable, and accept that i am not always in control of every detail of my life. it's a learning experience, but i'll get there.

well, we'll see what happens. keep rooting for me!

- ella faye

Thursday, 11 October 2012

in the night light, we still shine bright.

no matter how difficult of a time i am in, i am blessed to have the friends and relationships that i do.

my floor is an excellent example of that.

their love for gotcha makes me smile every day.

"dee" always makes me laugh, because she is just crazy. the other day she walked to my door, collapsed halfway in my room and halfway in the hall and exclaimed breathlessly how happy she was to have finished her first ever university essay. i laughed at her and asked her where her sword for gotcha was, and she looked at me in terror, stood up, and without a word booked it back to her room to return to safety. i never would have guessed that she'd grow so attached to her plastic pirate sword.

and "rawn"is super competitive. she bbms me every time she gets someone out of the game, and i swear i can feel her excitement through my phone before I've even read the message. she could very well win this game with her passion for wiping out all the boys still left in the game.

i see girls walking to the washroom with their sword in hand, hear them plotting schemes to tag out other people, and brag to their friends how exciting it is to be a part of this game, and that's the purpose of these sorts of things. it's bringing people together and bringing laughter and excitement to people's lives and time here in residence. 

i didn't tell my floor that yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death, and i'm glad, because instead of being cautious around me all day like some people do, they reminded me that no matter what hardships i've experienced, that i'm so blessed to be afforded the experiences i have, and to be surrounded by the people here.

i know my daddy is watching out for me, there is proof every day in little things like that.

- ella faye

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

our treehouse and our saturdays are gone.

let me tell you a bit about my dad, cause i miss him:

dad was super charismatic, and i think i got a lot of that from him.

he was also super persuasive, and could make you see any side of an argument.

he really loved Tim Horton's French Vanilla Cappuccinos, and the Bacon and Egg McMuffin from McDonalds, and we'd always stop for one or the other when we were out.

he never missed a single play i was ever a part of, and he is the only person in the world who did that for me.

he loved fixing things, or at least trying too.

he had a terrible fashion sense.

he always followed through for things, even if he was up until 3 am with me helping me finish an assignment or if he had to drive things to school for me the next day.

he struggled with mental illness, but once you could see past it, he was extremely loving and passionate.

he always wanted to help everyone whichever way he could.

he used to play the flute with me in the basement and i always loved the way it sounded.

he was really really picky when it came to naming my brothers and i.

when i was upset, he'd always tell me to squeeze his hand as hard as i could until i felt better, even into adulthood.

when i was little, he'd always take me for breakfast on weekends for "daddy-daughter time"

he's the only other person on the planet who really loved my dog, Buster, other than me. But dad loved Buster the most without a doubt.

he had a form for guys who wanted to date me to fill out, and he'd interview them, but really, it was just him giving me time to decide what I wanted, and if I wanted to bail out before it was official, he would deny the guy for me.

his favourite movie was "A Walk to Remember", but he'd always deny it. (He'd also text me whenever he found it on TV no matter where I was)

he took me to the woodworking show like, a million times. And I complained about it, but I loved it.

he had yahtzee on his phone and he always let me play it secretly in church.

he always encouraged me to challenge myself and to fight for what i believe in.

he was the cool dad in my friend group, and we could always count on him to pick us up from a party we shouldn't have been at or from a bad day without getting told on.

he taught me how to drive, and in turn, to face some of my biggest fears.

he loved my brothers and i a lot, and he was really proud of us.

no one is a perfect person, and dad wasn't even close. but beyond the things he struggled with that changed the way he thought or acted sometimes, he was a sweet loving and supportive dad. and can you ask for too much more?

mom tells me i got ripped off in life because of him, but i think it's the opposite. i think he think he taught me to love myself before loving other people, to speak my mind, to fight for what is heavy on my heart and to see people for their true self, no matter how much someone's circumstances mars how they may be seen.

today is his day, and i miss him tons.

- ella faye