so sorry, i'm too good for you anyways.

as i sit, literally in the midst of piles of clothes, with a glass of wine in me and listening to some sara bareilles (always an inspiration for me), i feel like it's time for me to get on my pedestal.

now, the story of the pedestal dates back to last easter, when my best friend courtney drunkenly stood up on the ottoman at a party at a friends house, and proceeded to lecture us on how the guy who dumped her made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he'd come crawling back (which he did). ever since that infamous night, my friends and i have all had moments where we need to just vent about the injustices in our lives.

i think i deserve a good relationship that works out. i'm a beautiful, smart and fun young woman. i work hard for what i want, but i know how to make sacrifices for people when i need too. i love to laugh, i'm have no shame, and i have the perfect sized breasts. i drink beer, not coolers, and i could play mariokart on my gamecube all day everyday if that were a realistic option. how am i not someone's dream woman!?

let's examine my recent history with men. kevin dumped me, for reasons i'm still unclear of, and now he hates my guts, also for reasons for which i am unclear. nathan and i failed at the long distance over the summer thing, and then he only wanted me when i wasn't single. daniel and i never seem to want to give it another shot at the same time, and the emotional on and off has warn us both down so much that i think it's safe to say that chapter is done. max lives in germany.

i think it's about time i met a good guy, and that it worked out. i'm not asking for forever, but i'd like someone to restore my faith in relationships (or frankly, men in general).

i don't need a lecture about how i don't need a man (i just want one! i'm a really really good kisser, and i'd hate for that to go to waste!) I just want someone to give me a reason to think there is someone out there for me!

ugh. sometimes everything is lame.

- ella faye

if you're gonna break my heart, break it like you mean it.

sorry i didn't write yesterday like i promised. i was just super busy, once again.

i've been in my hometown for the past few days, and honestly, every time i come home i never know what to expect.

i, of course, spend mucho time with my friends Courtney and Heidi, who have pretty much been my support systems since, what feels like ever.

but, sometimes being home is also "go for coffee with all your ex-boyfriends" week.

so far this week, I have visited 3 of my ex-boyfriends, and have gone for coffee with two of them.  Neither coffee date went the way I'd imagined.

First, Daniel and I met up. Now, Daniel and I are the king and queen of history. With a recently ended three year on and off relationship under our belt, things tend to be hit or miss when we see one another.

i think it's safe to say this was a miss. after a slew of casual indirect stabs at each other, the conversation just got increasingly awkward until i finally had to peace out. i let myself have hurt feelings over silly little things like his beautiful new girlfriend or the lack of a thoughtful goodbye. I guess it was just too soon since the breakup to have a real, normal, non-hurtful conversation.

i'm one of those people who really tries to be friends with all my exes. if someone could be important enough to me for me to have an intimate relationship with them, they are valuable enough to be in my life long-term as friends.

i really wanted things to be cool and casual with Daniel, and i hope they get there somewhere along the way, but it's obvious it's not there yet. this experience was upsetting for me, so i was understandably nervous to follow through on my plans to go for coffee with Brandon, someone who I had a considerably less smooth break-up with.

But, I was pleasantly surprised. Although things started a little awkward (naturally, since I haven't really had a face to face conversation with Brandon for a significantly long time), after a little bit of conversation, it turned out to be a lovely time. aha, after my rough time with Daniel, Brandon restored my faith in my exes!

I have to say, as much as I complain about my failed relationships and bad taste in men, they aren't really bad guys, i'm probably just super high maintenance.

so, i know this wasn't a normal, metaphorical post, but there really isn't too much to overthink in my life right now, i'm just transitioning from "mom of five mentally handicapped adults and married to the other live in" to "casual care free university residence assistant" so please bare with me!

- ella faye

does anybody know, how to hold my heart?

once again,

i'm not feeling too inspired tonight.

i moved yesterday back home.

so i'm just pretty tired tonight.

also, i had a pretty eventful day, it's funny how someone super important can walk out of your life with ease. and how because that happened, someone walked back in to come to my rescue (emma is awesome for this).

i'm trying to regain my footing after some major changes. i just need to sleep on it for the night.

i promise something more interesting tomorrow!

- ella faye

hoping someday i'll breathe again.

today i don't have words to explain how i feel

but, sara bareilles does a pretty good job for me.

- ella faye

i'll be alright, just not tonight. someday, maybe.

A list of the things I have realized I love since I moved into L'Arche.

Pickles
Chihuahuas
People who don't talk
Going to bed early
1000awesomethings.com
Having my fingers nibbled
Scoops Ice Cream shop
Slice.ca
My Blackberry
Cooking Dinner
Ottawa
Blogging
Mending Burnt Bridges
Survivor
Raw Asparagus
Lysol
Montreal
Driving
Teen Mom
1000 ways to die
How I Met your Mother
Superhero Tee Shirts
Germans

- ella faye

and our walls fall down.

dean gave the guy who pumps my gas the finger once.

dean is the youngest core member in my house.  at 37, he is pretty active in the community and with his family, and he's always had a bit of a thing for me.

as a result of this, he and i don't spend a lot of one on one time together, to help not encourage feelings of an inappropriate relationship.

so, the other day, i had to drive him to floor hockey, and on the way we stopped to get gas.

i live in a small town, where we actually have full serve gas stations that will also check your fluids and fill up your tires for free. so i'm sitting there having the tank filled and the cute young guy pumping our gas was chatting with me.

and by chatting with me, i mean, desperately obviously trying to flirt with me. i did mention it's a small town right?  i'm still the new girl. aha.

and out of no where, when he goes to pass my credit card back, dean gives this guy the finger!

i was so shocked, this is totally unlike him. he must have been jealous that the cute gas boy was getting most of the attention during part of our one on one time.

lesson? (because i always have one)... give people the time and love they need while they are in your life. don't get distracted by unimportant things.

dean needed a little one on one attention, and i wasn't 100% committed to the little bit of time we had together.

i had to say goodbye to him yesterday, and i miss him dearly already. i wish i hadn't wasted so many moments with him, not only this one, but just, as a whole during the duration of my time here. because he was more able than Miss M or Jay, sometimes he got overlooked.

i'll take this lesson to heart, especially when i come back in the fall for Ella's L'Arche Experience take 2.

- ella faye

when no one is around you, say 'baby i love you'

i'm going to miss my little man Jay.

yesterday we had a servant's meal and footwashing service in honour of easter which is up and coming.

the footwashing is to be done in silent, but i was sitting next to my man jay. so, silence isn't exactly what we got.

he just wanted to hug me and kiss my cheek, sometimes we call him Ja-romeo because he's such a flirt. He was chatting me up, and even though it was all gibberish, it was super cute.

at one point i stopped, looked him in the eye and said "I'm sorry honey, i'm taken!"

he looked right back at me, said "Well?" and moved in for a kiss.

he knew what he wanted. me (i mean, who wouldn't? aha)

but, like always, i've thought beyond the moment.

how awesome would it be to be as bold as Jay. to be able to express your love for someone in front of so many people (all of community was there) in a moment of silence.

and sure, not everyone heard, but the people sitting directly around me did. Jay still didn't let the "social norms" stop him from expressing his feelings.

i wish i could live as unhindered as that.

there are plenty of things i would say to plenty of people, if i had the guts to speak up about my feelings (and be undeterred about their relationship status/history/whatever else might keep me quiet).

i wish i didn't have to live within the boundaries of my fears.

i'm working on it though. and i now have a role model in this lesson.

thanks jay. i said goodbye to him today as he is off to visit family for the weekend.

that man stole my heart so quickly. what a blessing from God that i got to have him in my life!

- ella faye

i've been saving your place, but what good does it do (now i'm just a basket case)

i have boybrain these days i think.

if i had to go back and do it all again, i'd like to say i would.

but putting an expiry date on a relationship really stresses me out.

max and i had to finally discuss the logistics of this last night.

i think breakups in general are stressful things.

but usually, either i want them to happen, or they blindside me. there isn't usually this dark gloomy cloud of pending breakupness looming over my head for so long.

next, begs the question, of future visits.

what is better, a clean break and that's it, and it's over, or the potential to rekindle a quick fling during trips to see each other?

he and i disagree on this topic.

also, although this remains undiscussed between the two of us, i intend to come and visit here in the summer, but he openly has no intentions on making the trip to see me.

see? i knew i'd be the loser in this relationship. but this was a sidebar.

don't get me wrong, yesterday was awesome, i'm happy, and i know i will move on and find another great guy in the future.

but for now, i just want this lame uneasy feeling to go away, and frankly it probably won't until i've moved back to school for the summer.

why do i always put myself in these situations,

as one of my housemates Jane would say " I'm going nuts! I'm crazy!"

- ella faye

and you'll never find your way back.

dear readers.

i'm sorry i didn't blog today, i was very busy spending my day being whisked around by max in celebration of our last day off together.

to sum it up:

when living in a l'arche home, when coming home at 1 am, one must be particularly quiet, or a coremember who can;t tell time might tell your boss you didn't come home till 7 am
a chai latte and eye spy books are a recipe for romance
i have cruder humour than half the boys who also saw "your highness" today
germans have delicious food
i can get by one 6 - 7 hours of sleep a night if i have to make it happen
i could cuddle for the rest of my life
i need a new plan of action to cover up hickies now that it is warm outside, a turtle neck or scarf won't cut it.

- ella faye

you were the best i didn't know i didn't have

i hate goodbyes.

i'm also an ugly crier. 

worst combination ever.

last night i had to say goodbye to florian until i visit the boys in the summer. this was lame. 

it's funny how much of a home this became in four months. all of a sudden i can't imagine my life being any different then the way it is now.

i have to say, if i had to sum up what i've learned here, i would say "open your mind, eyes, and heart."

open your mind to the perspective of others. be aware that intentions are not always obvious. think about how others could perceive your words and actions, because miscommunication causes way too many heartbreaks.

open your eyes to see that not everyone is the same. see that there are people who are hurting, lonely or lost, and it's not always who you would think. the folks that i live with are some of the happiest people i know, and some of the assistants here need the most prayer. realize that each person is unique and wonderful, and try and look beyond initial assumptions.

and open your heart. let people in. take risks. i struggled with that during my stay here. should i invest in the people around me? i knew i had too with the folks in my house, but what about max and florian? what about the folks in the other houses? am i setting my self up for heartbreak? (the answer to that is yes). i did invest, and i opened my heart up to the people around me. and it changed me for the better. i treasure the relationships i've made here more than i can even express. and even though the goodbyes break my heart, i know i am a better, more well rounded and more complete person thanks to the relationships i established here.

i've taken the lessons i've learned here and placed them close to my heart. i could never go back to who i was once now that i see the world so differently.

take a risk. step out of your comfort zone for a couple months. fear would just stop you from experiencing an even more beautiful life.

max and i walking through montreal - courtesy of florian

- ella faye

i'm used to being one with the misfortune to find.

oh em gee.

what a weekend.

on friday night, late, i got a call saying that sam, the other live-in,would not be working that night or at all this weekend. this caused stressed and anxiety.

now, i have quite a history of stress and anxiety. I often refer to high-school me as "giantstressball ellie."

I don't handle stress well. I start finding it difficult to breathe, i start crying at random inappropriate times, and bite my nails like you wouldn't even understand.

i turn miserable.

and even though max and florian totally supported me through everything, i just wanted to cry. i have the heavy burden feeling on my chest, that made me feel like i could run out of breath at any moment.

i love the folks, and they make me happy,  but not even Jay's dancing could do the trick.

what do you do when stress consumes you,and you can't do anything to fix it? people pulled together, and I didn't have to work alone, but still, the anxiety loomed over me all weekend.

i feel better now. sam is back, and i can rest easily again. we also had a lovely barbecue for the community today, and it went off without a hitch. my life has restored order.

but what to do next time?

i guess i'll have to deal with it as it comes.

nothing is too much to handle with good faith and friends right?

- ella faye

missing me, is it even a possibility?

every romantic relationship as a winner and a loser.

i think it's safe to say, i've been fortunate in that, for the most part, I've been the winner.

and it isn't even always the "dumper" who is the winner, it's really whoever is the happiest, moves on to the better thing and has more success in their future.

I know how vain and shallow this is. but i stand by the truth in this statement.

that being said, i'm about 97% sure that I will be the loser in my current relationship with my hot german friend.

i mean, i think it's safe to say that i've dated my fair share of douche bags. (note - if you are my ex-boyfriend, and you are reading this, i'm sure this does not apply to you.) i've also dated some great guys who just were very much the wrong fit for me (assume you belong in this group ex-boyfriend readers).

but, everytime, it hasn't worked out because a) i was being treated poorly, or b) i get so clingy and needy that I feel like i've lost my independence and then I freak out and get scared of commitment and then leave.

for the first time, i feel independent, wonderful and valued all at once. i by no means need him, i don't feel miserable if we go a few days without seeing each other, and i don't get jealous at all of his relationships with other girls. I just like having him around, and I like that he likes having me around (also, he's an amazing kisser. baha, this is super important to me. it's hard to live up to how great I am, and I wouldn't want to downgrade).

don't get me wrong, i am not going all "he's the one for me" on you. he's super high maintenance, gets mucho grouchy when he's hungry and can be a big lazy bum. but i just love the quality of our relationship. I like the relaxed feeling we have. i love being treated well, and being listened too.

now that i know what I  can have, my level of pickiness has skyrocketed. I, for the first time, feel like i deserve someone who is wonderful , who supports me to be wonderful, and who I can be wonderful with as a partner. i can't go back to the emotionally draining relationships of my past. I can move forward to a happier future.

I don't know that i'll ever build up the nerve to tell him (Florian, don't even think about it), but Max has taught me a lesson in how to adore myself, and how to seek out people who will respect me as much as I deserve to be respected. and he's a hero for that.

thanks max. you're "hot, hilarious and awesome."

"we're awesome"

- ella faye

what kind of heart doesn't look back.

standing with my friend liz in the pouring rain after camp one day.

backstage boob massages during A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.

my first kiss, with graham, at the lake side as the sun finished setting.

the power outage at medeba with the LSI team, and Jeff's light up candy as our flashlight.

breakfast on the pier with my girlfriends last summer.

exploring turkey with my family.

swinging my hips to m.cyrus on stage with jeff z. in front of the whole college

daniel playing the guitar for me in the hammock on a warm summer evening.

snow wedding dresses with aurora and kara.

baking cookies with some of the people i live with.

tea time with Hin.

that moment when we did bows on stage everytime we performed Look and Babel.

giving charity the cue that music had started so she would begin to walk down the isle.

looking at constellations with dad.

spooning with tamara.

monopoly deal with Sarah, John, Kevin and Trevor.

rocking out in the car to Justin Bieber with max and flo.

the backseat of kevin's car on the way to collingwood with nathan and trevor.

the cast of Acting Ups Beauty and the Beast singing the closing number.

painting nails in Panama - and falling asleep in my hammock.

winning the outstanding stage manager's award for Scarlet Moon.

giving an orphan named myriam in mexico a teddy bear, and hearing she named it ellie.

telling stories around the campfire.

holding hands on late night walks.

following bird tracks.

laying out in the sun.

good chats.

laughing.

loving the people around me.

being loved.


my life is a series of beautiful moments.

- ella faye

heart's been stolen. eyes are swollen.

as much as i love my job, and the people i live with, it doesn't always come easily.

sometimes I really struggle to love one of the people I live with.

Her name is Ann, and she has Down Syndrome. She is funny and cute, she also loves the Real Housewives of Orange County, and she loves to take you out for coffee.

But man, she friggen drives me up the wall sometimes! She's super fussy, she moves things around so they are "just so" and it takes her forever to do anything. I know I need to be patient, but man, sometimes she makes me crazy!

I can't say she's ever been that fond of me either. She doesn't like me to help her with things and will often ask me to get Sam to help her even if I'm right there and ready. She doesn't like to run errands with me unless there is a guarantee of a Tim's run but will go on any trip with other workers, and she doesn't really ever like my cooking (I promise I'm a decent cook aha).

But last night I was sitting beside her at dinner, and she pulled her chair over to me to rest her head on my shoulder during prayer.

This melted my heart so much.

All my pent up frustration vanished, and I just loved her.

It's sad that after four months of trying so hard to really see beyond her flaws, it only took a moment to get over all that, and it happened with only 7 days left of working with her.

It was such a beautiful moment, and even though it happened so late, I cherish the fact that I happened before I leave.

I know it's super cliche, but it really is the littlest things that leave the biggest impact.

- ella faye

if anyone could make me a better person, you could.

sorry i haven't been around!

I went to Montreal with my sexy german friends.

amazing? yes.

My trip got me thinking, as most things do. But, you must care about what I'm thinking about, or else you wouldn't be here!

I am so thankful for the friends I have.

Like, Seriously!

I think many people can relate to being hurt by friends, and I'm no exception, I've had my fair share of shitty friends. But right now, I'm in such a great spot.

Max and Florian and I just had such a great time (well, at least I did, and they appeared to be too...)

And, Florian  made the plans for this trip.

This might seem silly but it actually really meant a lot to me.

Last summer I made plans for a canoe trip with some friends from school. People who meant the world to me and I still think very highly of. But they bailed last minute and I was out $200 dollars in deposits.

Then, I went to go see my friend Trevor's play later in the summer, in London, 3 hours from where I live. I had discussed picking up a friend of mine, (who was also supposed to come canoeing) and staying at her house on the drive home. It wasn't till on the drive to get her that she cancelled, and then I had no where to stay. Fortunately, my friend Morgan pitied me enough to let me stay with him.

But, with that said, the fact that Flo planned the trip meant to me that he cared enough to spend the time with me. If you plan something like this, you're less likely to bail last minute, and Florian reassured me about this.

I deserve friends like that. Who make effort for me.

You deserve friends like that too.

I don't need to be friends with everyone. I think I'm finally over that misconception. But, the friends I do have, I believe should actually make me happy, instead of always letting me down. I'm finally in a spot where I can see who is worth spending my effort on, moving so far from home has helped me with that. I won't always live in the same building as all of my friends. It's about time I looked beyond convenience and stuck it out with the people who will be there no matter where I'm at in life.

So, since I know you're going to read this... thanks Florian, you rock, and you have made a great impact in my life in the last four months. :) Don't ever change or be less awesome.

No matter what life throws at me, I know I have a solid team standing beside me. I have friends who will trade pokemon with me so I can beat the elite four, let me borrow clothes from, dance like the awkward white people we are at the clubs with, who will bring me ice cream when I'm sad and who will listen to Justin Bieber with me in the Golddigger. I'm ready for anything.

Thanks to all of you <3

- ella faye

a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

i had a lot of trouble deciding what to write about today. I haven't given you anything simple and lighthearted for the past couple days, but the fact is, my heart has been heavy in thought this week.

today was the 6 month marker from the date my father passed away.

i did everything i could all day to fight back the tears and frustration at this hand i've been dealt.

a dad is supposed to walk his girl down the isle, hold his grandchildren and be there to bail me out when i come up short changed for the month.

instead, mine died when i was 19.

i mean, my dad was by no means perfect. we had a long struggle in our relationship, but at the end of the day, he was my father, and I loved him.

sometimes I feel like I could never marry anyone who hasn't met my dad, because I wouldn't know what dad thought of him. Or I feel like my children will always be asking me questions, and feel like they got jipped a grandparent.

 my dad won't be in the audience at my graduation.

my dad won't see me in my wedding dress.

but whether or not I have a father, doesn't change who I am at the core of myself.

I've been strong through this process, and I will keep trying to be. I love him, and I miss him. But today is just a day. I am still me. I am still a successful person.

It's hard for me, but I need to remember I haven't been forgotten or left behind. God isn't punishing me, he's strengthening me, and someday, hopefully, I will understand why God chose to allow this to happen, and will see the postive experiences that will come from this.

but today, because I can't, call your dad and tell them you love them.

- ella faye

p.s. I am friends with some truly wonderful people.Check out my friend Brandon's blog post, going deeper about some thoughts I had.

i feel this fight. it is slowly dying, now that i've been painless.

if you asked Miss M what she's proud of, she'd grab her boobs.

a woman after my own heart.

I'm the type of girl that I don't like. Over confident.

Or at least I pretend to be.

I'm really just like any other girl. I have super big insecurities.

Yeah, I'd love to be 15 pounds lighter, like I was before my dad died, or even better, 20 pounds lighter like a couple of years ago.

I have these awful bumps on my arms, they go red, and I hate them, especially when people touch them.

I have bad finger and toe nails, and I try to paint them all the time to cover them up, but I can't always stay on top of it.

My skin is dry all of the time, ughh.

And, we've been over my blushing issue.

But, I know in my head, that I'm beautiful. I might have these insecurities, but I also look in the mirror each morning and feel like I'm gorgeous.

I was made beautifully. I am wanted. I am loved.

There is nothing wrong with me feeling this way and expressing it.

I wish I could show that I might be confident in myself, but I sure as hell haven't got it all together. I just accept what I've got.

If I couldn't love myself, it'd be hypocritical to ask someone else too.

- ella faye

it's a lullaby, it's a beautiful life

there is something so soothing about talks in the car on a bright sunny day.

I took a coworker into the city to buy some craft supplies today.

I don't really get along with girls most of the time. I like to tell myself it's because I'm so awesome and they're all jealous. But really it's probably because I'm intimidating and kind of full of myself.

 I've always found this to be a big struggle. The fact that I only really get along with guys just accentuates the problem, because now, not only am I obnoxious, I'm stealing their time with their guy friends. But at the end of the day, I really want people to like me.

So, as this is a struggle in all aspects in my life, this is also a struggle here at L'Arche. To make it even worse, there are only 4 people my age on staff, and two of them are female.

Each female also lives with one of the German boys. So, I am the beautiful, awkward fifth wheel.

This was an incredibly tough situation for me to face as I took this job. I felt so isolated and alone for the first month, spending my time off in my room watching a variety of lame tv shows (don't judge, but i managed to get myself addicted to The Real Housewives of Orange County... I was that lonely...). Then, I developed a relationship with Max, which meant I sometimes enjoyed his company on my time off, and then a friendship formed with Florian, the other german boy, who took me on that sweet adventure a couple weeks ago.

But the girls, never seemed interested.

I just accepted this fact. Although, it took some tears and angry calls to my friends back home, I learned that, I would have to spend the four months of this term without any real contact with women my age.

But then, a miracle happened.

Katie, who lives with Max, asked me to show her how to do a craft I've made. She asked me to take her into the city to get the supplies. Maybe, I was just being used for my artistic skills and my car. But in a lonely job like this, sometimes that's enough.

So we went today. The sun was out, it was 13 degrees, and we had a blast! We chatted, and laughed. It was so refreshing to just enjoy the company of another University student from my own country!

Never underestimate the value of your peers. It took me being away from them to realize how much I thrive being surrounded by people my age, or who have similar backgrounds to myself.

We live our whole lives surrounded by our peers. From kindergarten through university graduation, we have our classes, our friends, our coworkers at the mall. Even when we graduate, most of us will move on to jobs where we continue to work with our peers. Don't take them for granted! Connect with people! Make the time to enjoy the company you are given!

When I get back to Waterloo, I won't forget to enjoy the people I live with. Sometimes, the social needs to come before school! Sometimes it's good to enjoy the company we are blessed with!

- ella faye

i am a lady in spain

" if you really love someone, their bodily fluids won't seem gross to you! "

these were my wise words to my best friend courtney one afternoon.

Although initially on a topic that I won't discuss on a blog my mother could someday stumble upon, this statement has found a new meaning for me.

I have dealt with more poop and pee, snot, spit and vomit in the last four months, then I think I have cumulatively in my whole life.

Yes, it's still gross when Jay throws up at the table. Yes, it still never ceases to amaze me that Miss M picks her nose with her tongue. But, at the end of the day, it doesn't bother me all that much. I love them so much, and dealing with all sorts of gross things is just part of taking care of them.

I imagine this job is like parenting. I love the folks in my house like my family. And I don`t mind doing the gross and tiring things I do for them, because, I love them.

Seriously though, I have to love you pretty hard to deal with poop and vomit. Don`t test me.

- ella faye

sometimes i can't make it alone.

Sometimes, people walk back into your life after a long time of being gone, and they can turn way too much around in a moment.

Sometimes, it's easier to accept a hurt from long ago, then to realize just now that you were wrong long ago.

Sometimes, it's okay to lay in bed and cry all day.

But sometimes, it's better to pull yourself together and appreciate all the good you have been given.

Sometimes, it's okay to "re-fall" for someone, even if they hurt you.

Sometimes, i'd rather eat ice cream and watch criminal minds by myself than go out.

Sometimes, a good Taylor Swift song is a better friend to me than my real best friend is.

Sometimes, I laugh at the most awkward and inappropriate moments. Like at my dad's funeral.

But sometimes, that's exactly the right thing to do to ease the tension or sadness.

Sometimes, it's good to take risks that will lead to heartbreak.

Sometimes, everyone needs to treat themselves to dinner alone, it's good for the soul.

Sometimes, it's good to be super independent, and to feel like you can take on the world.

But sometimes I can't make it alone.

- ella faye

i'm in love alright (with my crazy beautiful life)

Jay, my 57 year old, four foot seven, little romeo.

The sweetest man I ever did meet.

Jay has down syndrome, and he has a heart of gold. He knows when I'm upset, and will pet my hair and repeat "twee twee twee" affectionately. Who have known something so silly could be so soothing?! He kisses my cheek and my hand, gives me big long hugs, and laughs at all my jokes.

And as if that isn't enough to make him the perfect man, he also loves Ke$ha.

I know right?! Seriously, I should marry him!

This morning, after breakfast, I was sitting in the music room with Jay, and Max, my German temporary significant other was visiting us. I heard the opening for Blow, by Ke$ha, and of course, I got excited.

For those of you who don't know me as well, I want to be Ke$ha. I mean, if I could drop out of school with the guarantee that I can flaunt my body and sing talk to some catchy tunes to make me enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, I'd take that opportunity in a heartbeat.

Also, I love how she empowers women. It's not your typical "Stop objectifying women approach!" she's all, "if you're going objectify me that's fine, but I'm going to objectify men!" - which her song Blah, Blah, Blah was perfect for.

Anyways, so Max roles his eyes at me, because he's all ACDC and Led Zeppelin (don't judge me, but I had to look up how to spell Zeppelin), and I'm all Ke$ha and Sara Bareilles. But then, Jay stands up, and starts swinging his hips.

I mean, this man, is dancing. Like full on, hip swinging, hands in the air, feet shuffling, dancing. The man has trouble standing up from the couch without help, and is scared to walk through door frames, but he was dancing better than I ever could!

It was so light hearted and refreshing, I actually began to laugh out loud!

It's so important to grab hold of the pure, simple and raw moments that make our lives so beautiful. Stop looking so hard for things to "entertain" you, and enjoy the beauty God has already blessed your life with. You'd be surprised at the random moments when it comes out. Make sure not to miss them!

- ella faye

you're only scared to break my heart.

Where is the line between being modest and pure, and  being a stiff prude?

Where is the line between being self confident and cocky?

Where is the line between falling in love, and loving the moment you're in?

Where is the line between growing up, and moving on?

How does anyone find balance in this world?

- ella faye

open up your mind to see like me.

Lesson learned today.

You're not supposed to eat your necklace.

I mean, I wasn't actually going too, it's funny the things you do without thinking about it, and the reaction it stirs in people who see things from a different point of view.

Can you imagine taking everything literally?! Seeing your friend chew on their necklace, and actually being concerned that they are about to eat their jewelery! I wish I could zap myself into my housemates' brains sometimes, and see the world through their perspective.

Working with the folks has really helped me to understand things differently, and even though there are moments like this that still surprise me, I have to say, the three months I have been working here has really changed me.

The folks I work with are different. They live differently, and they see things differently. But, you and I are different too. You might interpret someone as cocky, where someone else might see them as insecure and trying to make up for it. You might laugh when something is uncomfortable to you, while someone else sees that as ignorant. We live our lives full of miscommunications, it's no wonder life is so confusing! I mean, we know that in our heads, but I just don't think we give each other the benefit of the doubt enough. We can never judge someone else's intentions, and really, it's their intentions that should count the most.

If I could back to September, there are a lot of things I would do over. Assuming people understood where I was coming from with different ideas and actions led to a lot of hurt and upset, and lost me two people I valued and respected a lot. I mean, I still stand by the fact that my actions weren't entirely wrong, but i can see how it seemed my intentions were hurtful, which they weren't. Now I live with the burden everyday of knowing I caused a tremendous amount of hurt without even meaning too.

I guess it's up to them now to take my apology and accept it. But seriously, it's amazing how differently people think. I wish it was easier to not to assume someone thinks the way I do because we both look "normal". No one is normal, and sometimes, the things my housemates think up make way more logical and simpler sense than I could have ever conjured up.

Like seriously, she saw me pick up my necklace and put it in my mouth! No wonder she reacted the way she did! Lesson Learned.

- ella faye

when time and confusion collide, i hold it all when i hold you.

I made an oops.

As I begin my last three weeks at work, it occurs to me I over-invested.

I fell in love with the folks in my house, I really grew close with my team, I made some friends that I wish I could keep near to me forever, and I fell for a boy.

In three weeks, I pack up my life. And some of these people, I will probably never see again in my life, including this boy.

So now what do I do? Do I spend as much time as I can with him in the next couple weeks and enjoy it while it lasts, or do I push away as fast as I can so I can't fall any deeper into this mess.

I wish there was a guide to my life, to help me figure these things out.

Also, in reference to my earlier post about animal tracks, they were wild turkey tracks, pretty awesome eh?

Wish me luck on this wild adventure of letting go!

- ella faye