beneath sheets of paper lies my truth.

today i moved back into residence for a week.

i love this place - but it doesn't feel the same right now.

maybe it's the lack of sarah, or trevor or mike - you know? that support system? that calm place? i feel like a stranger in the building that was home only two weeks ago.

but, i'm meeting new wonderful people.

alison is a sweetheart, she is the other don for my floor, because I will be back at L'Arche in the fall. she helped me prepare for my session and she just seem fun.

and andrew is wild. i swear i'm always laughing when he's around, and he was friends with mike in the fall term, so i have that connection, you know?

jason has a heart wrenching story. he exudes strength and wisdom, and even though he might be frail, he makes me feel safe.

caitlyn is genuine and lovely. i can't exactly describe her, but i would want to say she's bright.  she has a magnetic quality that makes you feel good when she's in the room.

it's just another page. another journey.

i'm happy. i'm strong. and although i'm out of my comfort zone - i can make the best of this.

who knows - someone here might be my new safe.

- ella faye

don't let the sun be the one to change you baby (i wanna learn how to love)

thank you mom for teaching me to be strong and independent.

thanks dad for making me a critical thinker.

thank you ms. eales for the lessons in acceptance and equality,

and thank you jeff for showing me some people really can give me a fresh start.

thank you bryan for the practice in patience and understanding,

and thank you jared for keeping me a kid at heart.

-

thank you daniel for helping me learn to make tough decisions.

thank you nick for showing me what unconditional love is.

thank you kevin for revealing to me how tough i really am,

and thank you nathan for showing me it's okay to not always get what i want.

thanks sam for being an example of a stable, godly man.

thank you brandon for the lesson in mending burnt bridges.

thanks max for teaching to be realistic about who cares about my heart,

and special thanks to michael for reminding me how beautiful life is.

-

thank you tamara for letting me expose my innermost thoughts to someone.

thank you emma for being a voice of reason.

thanks courtney for teaching me to stand up for myself,

and thank you heidi for all your wisdom and time.

thank you ainsley for being an example of a true, genuine heart.

thank you jeffrey for understanding my frustration - even when no one else did.

thank you nzinga for showing me i'm always loveable.

thank you sarah for letting me trust,

and thank you keegan for teaching me to not give up.

-

i am blessed.

- ella faye

got the radio on, my old bluejeans and i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.

i know yesterday i was feeling all great and happy and light hearted,

but today i feel insecure and vulnerable.

it's weird for me, since so often i'm the queen of cocky, but i can't seem to help it today.

did i mindlessly rush into something?

do i know him as well as i should?

am i being foolish to believe this is going to work?

i had a conversation with daniel earlier this week, and i think a lot of my concerns are triggered from some of the things he said - and i thought they would just go away completely when mike got back and things settled, and yet i still feel vulnerable.

when i dated daniel, i knew he was never going to really leave me. i don't know why i knew that, i just did, i knew i would be the one to end things. it made the relationship seem so safe and secure, and i think that is large part of why i kept asking for him back.

i don't want my relationship with mike to be like my relationship with daniel was. i want it to work, but it's hard. it's hard to commit as whole-heartedly as i want when i'm so afraid of being hurt.

i know i'm being silly and overemotional. mike seems committed to this. he knows what he signed up for. he's just not one of those people who always expresses how he feels.

i need to write that out on the chalkboard like lines in elementary school.

in other news, i bought the "Snuggie Sutra" at Urban Outfitters this weekend.

as i told my brother - "just because i'm not having sex doesn't mean when i do, it shouldn't include my snuggies."

- ella faye

your love is the best sound i have ever heard.

sorry that i suck at writing in transition times in my life.

it was the same between L'Arche and school, and now it's the opposite.

i got a new car to replace the lovely Golddigger, but i will dedicate a whole post to my dearest Romeo soon, I need to get to know him a little better before i can write a post that will do him justice.

i just felt like i should give you a good old update on what is happening in my life,

things are still awesome with mike i'm pretty sure. :) he was away for a week, and i did the whole "anxious, he's going to dump me upon return" thing for a few days, but im mostly over it now, he's back, hasn't dumped me so far, and if he does, it's his loss because i rock.

in other news, i've decided for the most part, my little brother bryan is a legitimate person and we might even be friends if we weren't siblings and were closer in age. don't tell him i told you this, because that would ruin my awesome "im too cool for you" facade i pull with my brothers, but it's true. he might even be cooler if i remotely approved of his girlfriend, but he'll have to learn that lesson on his own (again i might add).

so with a combination of bryan being almost  remotely cool, my awesome sweet boyfriend, my cutie other little brother and my awesome male don team from the summer (Bjarnes, Trevor (Troy?) and the good old boss Jeff), i might not actually hate men anymore.

for the amount of time i've spent hating on guys in this blog - this is quite the revelation.

it came to me the other night when I was at a friend's house for a sort of reunion type thing. i just had a great time. it was innocent, and fun, and just perfect. i've been waiting for some easy, some nice, some great. everything is good.  i'm just so happy with where things are at right now.

i know things won't stay like this forever, but im going to soak up every moment while i can.

- ella faye

lord, make me a rainbow.

sorry i havent written in so long, moving does this to me.

also, i was watching "Hoarders: Buried Alive" a couple days ago and had minor crisis,

i'm pretty sure i'm a hoarder.

i hope dear mike doesn't see this and decide i'm crazy!

but seriously, my room at home doesn't look much better than the houses these people live in!

so i decided to take on a challenge and unhoard my room, i've been throwing things out left, right and centre, and have so far in one morning filled one large black garbage bag of trash and one of clothes to donate. Seriously, I went from three drawers of tee shirts to one (but this does not include the clothes I brought home from school, which is another 3 suitcases worth of stuff.)

stuff is just stuff, i don't need so much of it!

wish me luck in my cleaning endeavours this week!

- ella faye

memories, like embers, keep us warm. you will leave me in the morning.

i guess i should tell you,

mystery boy, or mike, as i would generally refer to him as,

is now my boyfriend.

i know things moved fast, but we decided to take the plunge and DTR before he flew back to the other side of the country to do his work term for the the next four months.

it sucks that i finally get what i've been longing for for months, and then he up and leaves me here to miss him for the next term. but, i'm so happy. by officially labelling our relationship, we're going to have to work hard to make it work while he's away, and i think we will. he's so incredibly wonderful, i don't want to let this go anytime soon.

also, in res, we built an epic sand kingdom.

mike was a part of this, because he's awesome. it's nice to have so much fun with someone again.

so basically, that is what is new in my life. i'm super tired today, but i will write again soontimes.

sand kingdom building crew ftw.

- ella faye

life was on our tongues, and it tasted heavenly.

oh hey everyone.

i just have to say, this is my 100th post on this blog.

i never would have imagined back in march when I was looking for an outlet for my feelings and stories that i would create a journal read by people all over the world.

in fact, today so far, on it's own, i've had almost the same amount of hits as i did in the entire first month.

i laugh when i look at the feelings, thoughts and ideas that i had just a few months ago, and how much i've changed. also, i laugh when i realize the most commonly read posts are those to the elusive mystery boy, who managed to capture my heart is such a whole and unique way.

i smile to think of my beloved core members and how i'll be seeing them agains soon. I miss them, but i'm also really going to miss being here. I've had the best term, and met the most amazing people. This moving every four months does not fly with me!

i'm so thankful for this, for you and for my experiences.

thank you for taking time out of your day to care what i care about! i will keep enlightening you with the silly fun stories that make up my life, and i hope you will keep coming back to read them!

you rock an epic amount.

- ella faye

today was a fairytale - you were the prince.

mystery boy lived up to every expectation i had set and then some.

i don't have to worry about it having been a pity date, i can tell he's pretty into me too.

he took me mini golfing, which was super fun. I got 2 hole-in-ones because im a champion, but he still won, which is good, because i think i destroyed his pride once in residence when i beat him at Call of Duty.

we had some good talks, we both opened up a lot, which was nice. it's such a bummer this didn't happen until so close to the end of term.

he also took me on this awesome adventure. it's like, this online thing where people post where these hidden little things are and you can look up the coordinates and find them. it's like a for real treasure hunt, and there was one hidden on campus, it was the most fun.

everything about my night was perfect. i'm just amazed with him.

i unhate boys.

who would have thought.

- ella faye

you've really got me going this time.

i am not a particularly hairy person.

i have fine blonde hair, i can go almost a week without having to consider shaving my legs, and my eyebrows pretty much are as thin as they come naturally,

with the exception of those stupid stupid super fine random dark hairs that grow amidst my eyebrows.

like seriously?! wth?!

so, because i have that date tomorrow and i have to stay up till 2 am for rounds of the residence,

i decided to take on these little buggers.

i decided this was serious, none of this "cheapo tweezers" crap. I dug out my nice, quality tweezers that i keep in a hidden location because i lose tweezers like it's my job.

after a legit amount of pinched skin, one visit from trevor and half an episode of wipe out, i realized this was a hopeless cause.

time to break out the big leagues, facial wax.

i like to keep some on backup in case i ever have a moustache or eyebrow emergency.

i lather on that wax like it's bodywash after hot yoga, with perfect eyebrows in sight. afterall, eyebrows can make or break a date, right?

and, my brows have a great shape, better than they have all term as i've let them "run wild" for the term, which probably no one noticed but me because they are so measly to begin with, but those stupid little hairs are still there.

not.cool.

i mean, they're pretty much growing out of my eyelid! this is not natural!

please, if you have a solution to this issue, this would be a good time to share. i'm an eyebrow maintenance baby and need some guidance through this hard time.

this is seriously stuff man. screw my exam later today, i have eyebrows to maintain!

on a side note: i might need a jesus intervention on this exam. it's likely going to be pretty rough.

anyways, i hope you enjoyed this "for the most part non related to boys blogpost" back by popular demand.

check out those beautiful natural brows on 10 year old me!

- ella faye

he smiles, it's like the radio.

sometimes i'm pretty sure my life is like, the Truman Show.

That movie messed me up man.

everything is sorta falling into place - cold feet about mystery boy or not.

my term is coming to a close.

i'm happy.

i feel in control.

it's unfortunate that as soon as mystery boy becomes more of a chance, Daniel gets back in touch with me.

but he hasn't made up his mind, and so I can't wait around, you know?

plus, mystery boy makes me so happy, he's who i want a chance with right now anyways.

(side bar: i'm feeling less anxious about this whole thing than I was earlier this morning)

I just feel like everything is too good to be true, or too wild and crazy to even believe.

like seriously, a movie on my life would be freaking hilarious.

I drive a smashed up gold PT cruiser, I have the most dramatic romantic life, my family it nuts, and i say the dumbest things that always set me up to be insulted. I'm pretty sure I'd be te romantic comedy of the year.

My exciting life probably explains why you are reading this right now actually, aha.

but seriously, where do I get funding for this shit :P MTV would seriously profit off making me the new reality tv show on their network. I'm way cooler than Jersey Shore (Mad respect for Snooki though, also, I didn't mean to offend anyone with that comment).

Anyways, I'm off for more studytimes. One more day till I'm free from exams!

"Erotic Aerobics Night - Just a day in my life."

- ella faye

i heart ?

i'm getting cold feet about this whole mystery boy thing.

i'm not used to not being chased. does this all mean he's not that into me?

i don't want to get hurt, but i also don't want to miss a good opportunity.

why won't he give me some sort of sure fire sign that all is well? we haven't even discussed what's happening when/if we go out this weekend, is he avoiding solidifying plans on purpose.

ughhh.

i hate boys.

- ella faye

so petrified - i'm so scared to step into this ride.

i am more nervous for this date than i am for the exam i have that same day.

nothing has happened with him since then - we had a nice chat about random things yesterday, but nothing earth shaking.

he makes me nervous - who am i?!

this is so unlike me! i'm usually pretty calm and collected about boys. i've been on like, a million first dates (yes, i realize i'm exaggerating, but it's a pretty high number), but i don't know that i've ever wanted to impress someone so bad before.

i realize this isn't going to progress into anything, afterall, we go on our work terms in like, 2 weeks, and won't see each other for four months, and, I don't even know if he's that into me, he might be taking me on a pity date. I mean, afterall, I did have to lay everything on the line for him to ask me, he might have just done it to not hurt my feelings, which wouldn't have been that hurt if he said he wasn't into me, but he doesn't know that for sure.

and he's just such a nice guy. i sure hope this isn't some ploy to get off easy and not hurt me, because this would hurt me more.

right now, i'm the kind of girl i hate. i'm caught up in an idea, and i will likely get hurt, if not now, in a couple weeks. and i know i'm so cliche and lame to say he's worth it, but i'm going to stick by that statement. I've never really met someone like him, and I wouldn't want to say I passed up a great opportunity.

I'm stealing my friend Jeff's love motto - "Fall hard now and deal with heartbreak later"

it's scary. i'm nervous, anxious, terrified.

excited, giddy, happy.

i'm all over the map these days.

new risk-taking ella is insane. with the stress this is causing, i don't know if i can handle it! aha.

- ella faye

i shake and i smile, as you said...

so i grew a pair and told mystery boy how i feel.

i now have a date to be excited about this weekend.

i feel like a giddy ten year old. even if it never amounts to anything - i can no longer say i didn't try.

:)

- ella faye

silence reveals where we really are.

so this super cute, nice guy in my residence made a bet with me.

and for those of you who know me well, I don't lose bets (within reason).

i have to run 5km.

i might actually die before i win this, but i'm seriously going to try until my death. i hate losing that much.

i really, really hate running - a lot.

but, i am learning something,

the more i run, the closer i find myself drawing to God - how random!

i pump up my worship playlist (with the exception of this morning's run - which I did significantly worse at...) and just go for it, i think the idea of honouring God take the focus of my pain.

this dare is seriously enhancing my worship time - i know, it's nuts.

but it's pretty awesome. i might not win over mystery boy by improving my athleticism (although it is an ulterior motive), i might not lose all the extra weight i gained after my dad died (but it sure isn't hurting that goal), and i might not even win the dare, but I know i'm benefitting.

also, a girl in my program is running with me.  it's nice. she's someone i really wouldn't have guessed in first year i'd end up friends with - after, i'd never been drunk and they had messy monday - freaky fridays (or something along those lines, aha) on her residence floor. but she's pretty hilarious and awesome. and it even works out because although she's a significantly better runner, my legs are twice as long, so my slow pace works out for her.

silly mike doesn't even know how much i'm gaining from this dare. i'm pretty sure i'll win two fold (watching him come to my hot yoga class when I win will be one more benefit). it's funny how things work out like that sometimes, what a great couple of surprises.

now - studying for my exam on saturday. i love you all, but this blog might be the downfall of my marks this term :P

- ella faye