Thursday, 28 July 2011

she takes my money - when i'm in need.

i have the most awesome car to ever exist on the face of this earth,

she is the Golddigger.

She is a 2002, Dream Cruiser 1. A special edition bright Gold version of the PT cruiser, that comes equipped with gold inlay in the leather seats, "Dream Cruiser" rims and a Grammy Nominees of 2001 CD in the CD player - including the ever so fabulous clean version of "The Real Slim Shady". This car is anyone's dream car.

I have a lot of fond memories in that car - cruising around whitby with the sunroof down and Courtney and Heidi belting along to Ke$ha with me, venturing into Montreal with Max and Florian, picking my drunk friends up at the beach only to be argued with about who's water bottle I brought with me, chats with Daniel driving to and from Waterloo. She is cherished and loved by many.

Unfortunately, late at night on Saturday July 23rd, some drunk, foolish hooligans decided the Golddigger was not worth the respect of just walking on by. They climbed on top of my car and jumped on the roof - caving it in. With $4500 of damage done to my beloved car, this seems to have overcome her, and she will be moving on to car heaven in the near future. I have decided to be a responsible mother, and I am donating her parts so she can save the lives of other cars around the world. Our loss with help make other car owners exceedingly happy with news that they can now be given a much needed car transplant.

She is in stable condition, and is still with me here in Waterloo. She is accepting visits from August 6th until she is put down - the date for this is still unknown. Thank you all for your support and condolences in this time, on behalf of the Golddigger herself, and the rest of our family, we are incredibly grateful for all your love and support.

She will be missed - but her legacy will live on.

- ella faye

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

and i'm not doing this alone.

i'm horribly terrified of bats.

i can handle snakes, spiders, dirt, power tools, fire pits, heights, vomit (and drunk people in general), no sleep, catty girls and a variety of other things,

but I can't do bats.

which is particularly interesting because the building in which I am a don, has a bat problem.

it's hard to be a good role model and take charge of a situation when the thing i am most terrified of is flying around my head and i'm doing everything i can not to pee my pants out of fear.

Fortunately, I've only had to handle a bat once this summer. And although the Incident Report expresses a casual tone of control and calmness, really, I screamed and cried while the guys I lived with chased down the bat, and finally, one resident (who i'm pretty sure is cool enough to have his own TV show) trapped it in a pillowcase with no problem - apparently he had a summer job once trapping animals - what a champ.

Bats are one of the many fears I've had to handle facing this term.

Rejection is another. People often ask me why I don't just ask mystery boy out - the answer? I'm scared. I'm a pretty embarrassing person afterall - sometimes i spit food out when I laugh at dinner, sometimes I fall on my face when just walking normally, sometimes my stories fail at being even remotely funny.

Failure is another. I'm being examined all the time as a Don, i'm scared to slip up and say the wrong thing. Am I around enough? Have I offended anyone? What if my reviews come back horrible and I lose my spot next term.

And Abandonment. Another reason I haven't asked mystery boy out - what if I lose his friendship. It's a new relationship, and it makes me happy. I don't want to take steps backwards. And the same thing with Daniel. I put my feelings on the line, and he still doesn't know, I feel like he's just leaving me out in the cold to wonder and soothe my aching heart.

But, let's bring it back to the bat. I'm not alone. Yeah, I'm scared, but I have good support around me. People who love and care about me. I'm so blessed.

I'm going to try and face my fears. I might keep Sarah and Mark on speed dial so I can call them in for backup if my heart gets broken - but I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to take risks and learn good lessons from that.

here I go.

- ella faye

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

this is how the story went. i met someone, by accident.

dear mystery boy,

i've had a stressful week, so this is a better time than ever for you to ask me on a date. seriously, what is taking you so long?!

I think we should get together just us, I'll teach you to love the pokemon card game as much as I do, and I'll make you laugh at my lame jokes. I know tea isn't necessarily your drink of choice, but I'm the queen of tea, so I'll find a tea you love. And everyone likes hot chocolate so that's a good back up - even in this weather.

I know just yesterday I blogged about wanting Daniel back, and I will be honest with that, but, I'm not going to wait for him forever, so now is a good time to sweep in and scoop me up. It might take me a while to give up the past, but i'm so ready for change and a fresh start. I long for my heart to not ache anymore, and perhaps this is exactly what I need.

I like going on walks, and picnics, and I like playing pool (even though I suck). I also like - shopping at thrift stores, dairy queen, live music of anykind, gelato and disney, in case you need date ideas. if you're too scared to ask me face to face, i'd even take a facebook date invite.

Give me a fresh start, something to look forward too. I promise I'm worth giving a shot. Yes, I snore and sleep talk, I trip a lot, I say "Up yours","Don't Judge me" and "This is true" way too often, I'm way worse than I'll admit at euchre, pokemon is super important to me, and I'm I a bit of a sketchy past, but I''m still awesome. I'm friggen hilarious, I make the most delicious cookies and I'm super understanding. I make a great friend, support and confidant. I hope you can overlook my flaws.

I'm great and you're great. Also, my boss Jeff thinks you're great. Just sayin'

You're running out of time. What is up with that?!

- ella faye

Sunday, 24 July 2011

i'll be waiting for you, when you're ready, to love me again.

so sorry i haven't been on recently.

i had hell week at school.

then so much has happened.

honestly, i want to curl up in my bed and hide from the world - which i am doing right now.

daniel came for a night this weekend - i laid everything on the line, i want him to give me another chance. but also, he's changed, and i'm scared he's not the godly young man that i fell in love with anymore. it's the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, i just want to cry all of the time, it's pretty lame.

but in my heart, i want to give it another shot, i want to make him see we could be awesome together all over again. but, he can't make up his mind. it sucks.

he told me that being with me is like coming home, because we have such a special level of comfort and understanding, but i don't think he wants to come home anymore. and if he doesn't, i'll cry, but i think i'll be okay. i'll find someone else who "gets" me, makes me laugh, will drink tea by the fire with me and who will kiss my nose.

as if this wasn't sensory over load enough for me - max messaged me today. he asked how school was going, and how i'm doing. he apologized for "not living up to my expectations" while we were camping - is that an apology for unnecessarily dumping me? - and he told me he still considered me a good friend (the friend card - nice). seriously?

i did a bad thing when i left daniel and started dating max. max is a really great guy, but i gave up the man i loved more than i've ever loved anyone for him, and all i got was heartbreak twofold. is it wrong for me to think it's not fair that i have to re-deal with both of them again in one weekend?! seriously boys, did you co-ordinate this or something? frig.

i feel like i'm just going to stay single forever. i don't know if i am willing to make myself vulnerable again. nothing went as planned with daniel, i still love him, but do i love who he used to be instead of who he is now? and max broke my heart so much. and kevin before that.

this brings me to make note of how much i love my residence. if it wasn't for my residence, i swear, i'd have given up on men as a species, and probably would be considering dropping contact with every guy in my life who isn't in my bloodline. but last night, a midst my heavy heart and watering eyes, the boys made me laugh the whole evening away. we had a camp out in front of the building, and everything from pitching tents, to late night euchre, to "never have i ever", to roasted marshmallows, these guys make my heart happy. and even though i snored and sprawled out over everyone in tent, they all said they had a great time at the camp out. i don't know if i've ever had such great guy friends with no strings.  it's honestly just so great.

so, to conclude today - my heart is heavy and sad, because so much of my past hurt is coming into play this weekend, but, the awesome people around me are making it bearable. i'm going to choose to love everyday, even though i so often feel unloved.

- ella faye

Saturday, 16 July 2011

don't you surrender anything.

my exboyfriend had a son today.

and i love this little boy dearly.

nick was my first love, and i let him go for rational reasons rather than emotional ones.

i just wanted to write a little letter for baby jaelen because i can't contain my happiness about his presence on this earth. what a beautiful little blessing.



i am not your parent, aunt, or grandma. i don't share any genes with you in fact.  i'm just a girl who once loved your father whole heartedly, and am super excited to see this part of his life develop.

you have been eagerly waited for. your dad has wanted you for as long as i can remember (which is a long, long time), and from what he tells me, you are even more precious and wonderful than he had ever imagined possible.

you look like him - which is silly because babies don't usually look like either parent they just look like little lumps, even though everyone says otherwise - but you actually do. i hope you have his heart of gold, his passion, his dedication and his great laugh too. your dad is a pretty cool guy, i must say.

 i don't really know your mom, but she sure is beautiful. and, since i know your dad is so great, i'm sure she rocks too. i know you will bring them happiness, joy, and just be generally awesome from today until forever.

here are my words of wisdom - grow up slowly, play always, have a faux-hawk at least once in your life - girls really like that (i don't understand it, but seriously, it's like hair magic), always remember that no one keeps their pride forever, so live with no shame as soon as you can, take risks, respect your parents, laugh at yourself, don't buy a gold car (try a neutral), when you love a girl make sure you write her love letters often, watch cartoons every saturday, learn to tie your shoes as soon as you can in case velcro goes out of grade 1 style, give everyone highfives, don't put everything in your mouth, chew on your toes lots because you'll lose that flexibility and most importantly, make you sure tell every single person you meet how awesome your dad's friend Ella is.

i can't wait to actually meet you. i'll teach you cool things like how to make fart sounds with your armpit and some awesome your momma jokes.

welcome to our world jaelen, i wish all the best for you.

happy birthday.

- ella faye

Friday, 15 July 2011

in every life we have some trouble.

the worst thing about losing one parent,

is that you really lose them both, because nothing is ever the same again.

this thing happens as your get older,

where you realize your parents are people, and therefore aren't perfect.

sometimes its tough to swallow, because you live for so long trying to model after them,

and now, i look back and realize i want to be nothing like either of my parents.

so i have to think about who i want to be for real, and go my own way.

i plan on being a stronger, more respectful and caring person than i was taught to be. i plan on loving my children wholeheartedly - which means making decisions i won't necessarily like to protect them. if my husband ever harms my children, I will walk out that day,  instead of keeping them in an unsafe house for years as they grow up.

people tell me i have the best mom all the time, and i have moments where i whole heatedly agree. but people don't realize that i was hit, slapped, called a bitch, punched and thrown around in my house, and was too young to protect myself. i needed a protector, and i never had one.

is it wrong for me to be upset that she had the chance to protect me and never did?

in school, children get taught that if you stand by and let the bully reign, you're just as bad as the bully yourself. you need to stand up for people, and get help if you need it. i just wish someone had stood up for me so my life could've gone a little more smoothly.

so now i'm at that difficult crossroads in my life, where, i'm going to have to be independent, because i can't handle so many poor decisions being made for me.

who knows, i might drop of university and live in my car, but i'll learn, and i bet i'd get some freaking hilarious blogposts out of that. i'm 20, that's pretty much an adult, and part of that means realizing i don't have to be okay with things that just aren't.

everything is learning.
- ella faye

Thursday, 14 July 2011

whoa, i'm waiting for the breakdown (nothing feels good when it's under the gun)

i didn't realize when my dad died.

that my mom would forget about us as her children, and the things that are important to us.

that we loved our dad, despite his flaws, and that he still part of us, and so is his family.

that we don't need a new dad, but that we do need her investment in our lives still.

that my hometown is still my home, and i want it to stay that way.

that she'd love her new boyfriend the most, and that i'd get shafted.

it's been a crappy day.

- ella faye

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

it's reckless to laugh, pointless to decide.

an express pass into my brain today...


when is it right to hold on with all i've got, 

and when is it right to just let it go?


when should I follow my heart,

and when should I follow my head?


what defines love,

and what defines commitment?


when do you know to take a risk,

as opposed to playing it safe?


when do I know to stay strong,

and when is it okay just to cry?


when is a kiss just an action,

when so often it is a message?


what defines a soul,

what defines passion?


when do i know i need to make sacrifices,

as opposed to making sure i take care of myself?

why not?

how come?

- ella faye

somewhere we went wrong.

just for the record.

in spite of everything -

i was the last person to kiss you before braces,

the first to kiss you with braces -

the last to kiss you with braces -

and the first to kiss you once they were gone.

i said i'd stick it out and i will.

- ella faye

Sunday, 10 July 2011

don't forget.

please, remember me.

or, better alternative - just keep me in your life.

but just in case, remember my gold hair in the summer,

and the flecks of orange and yellow in my eyes.

remember my laugh,

and the softness of my skin.

remember my childish fear of aquariums,

and the way I so often smell like vanilla.

remember how I used to kiss you ears,

and always wanted to look at baby shoes, because they're just so darn cute.

remember jumping on the trampoline in the rain,

and the gentle breaths i'd let out when I fell asleep in your arms.

but most of all, if you absolutely have to let me go, remember that i love you with my whole heart, and no matter where life takes us, you will always be in my heart.

- ella faye

Friday, 8 July 2011

you've got everything i want - you've got sharp and sparkling pleasure.

dear super cute boy that i wrote too earlier.

you keep making me like you.

and because of that, you suck.

i'd appreciate if you'd be less nice for a day or two. give me at least one reason not to long for your attention.

i'd go out of my way to have you notice me the way i'd like. give me a clue. send me a sign. or just turn into a giant total douchebag so i know to decide you suck.

i know i have other options, but i couldn't take them up whole heartedly knowing this was a maybe.

so stop being a giant wuss and either be super lame, or super awesome.

preferably the latter.



- ella faye

p.s. seriously, you know we'd be awesome. just take a chance on me!

Thursday, 7 July 2011

i got guilt on my hands - i need to give myself a second chance.

please don't judge me for the following post.

if you are a judgemental person, stop reading here.

this is your last warning, you can not have any negative thoughts or feelings towards me as a result of the following post.

i went to bomber wednesday with carrie again, with the promise that I would not make out with a stranger.


we ran into a bunch of friends from residence in first year, celebrating someone's birthday. we also ran into like, 5 people from my speech communications class, which is weird, because there is only like 20 people in the class, and Carrie, a girl from residence named Amanda and I are also all in this little class.

so Amanda made a dare to me - to kiss one of the people from our speech communications class before the end of the night.

naturally, i accepted the challenge.

naturally, i won the dare.

i'm super super competitive, and sometimes it clouds my judgement.

i felt guilty when I came home, i mean, this isn't the person who I want to be.

but alas, it happened, and it makes a pretty sweet story. I just am super not looking forward to class on monday.

so please don't judge me, i judge myself enough. and seriously, this is the last time this happens.

this isn't the type of person that i want to be! from hereon in i'm getting some more class!

- ella faye

p.s. bryan, don't tell mom. thanks, i owe you one.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

birds and bees and songs like these.

pre-script. the post this morning was actually for yesterday but i wanted to make sure flo could tell everyone first.

i love summer term.

as the school term comes to an end, it amazes me how much i've loved doing school in the summer. 

it's like school, except beach volleyball every day, sunshine and happiness. 

so far i've: significantly improved my volleyball and videogame skills, gotten a sweet tan, become an unofficial euchre champion, had a sweet bonfire night, watched a drunk girl pee on the road in front of my residence, owned and failed some trivia questions at trivia night, celebrated a friends nineteenth birthday, owned a couple midterms, had a couple of papers and midterms own me, met some awesome people, kissed a stranger, not kissed anyone in res (although, much to my dismay baha), made friends, let go of some harmful relationships, eaten a ton of junk food and freezies, gone camping with some hot germans, seen an old favourite band in concert, spent an allnighter in the hospital, played a crazy amount of the sims, and just generally been awesome.

you should be so super crazy jealous of my life.

cause you want, what you want, and it's natural baby.

- ella faye

except for number one, write love. gamble everything.

let me tell you about one of my favourite people on the face of the earth.

florian kamhuber.

he has not had the best experience in the last few months. first, having to become a champion staff person and taking over a lot of responsibility when his boss was sick - then suffering from a concussion - then being diagnosed with post concussion syndrome - then having to make the decision to go home to germany because his sick leave would take up most of his time here in canada - then having to tell people.

he is just the sweetest, most genuine guy I think i've ever met. He's just so awesome. I'm heartbroken that I won't be able to spend time going on adventures with him in september. I'm sad that our last goodbye anded up being our last goodbye. I'm sad that he's going through such a rough time!

he's one of those people who deserve everything good to happen to them in life, because he just puts so much effort into making other people happy.

we used to watch 1000waystodie together, and just laugh and laugh at the ridiculous stories this show provides. and he likes martinis not beer. and he's a good cook, makes a mean pasta salad (like seriously, one of the best pasta salads i've ever eaten) and he's just generally all around amazing.

i'm super lucky to have met him, in fact, my life is probably better than yours solely on his part aha. but honestly, i wish i could meet more people like flo.

selfishly, i'm upset because i'm scared of being lonely when i return to L'Arche in the fall. I know i will still have other coworkers that I love, but I was nice to have someone with the same time off as me to go on adventures with. I was counting on him to help bridge the gap between me and the new staff to help me make new friends there. Now, there are no guarantees. My first month at L'arche was so incredibly lonely and miserable. My biggest fear is to go through that all again, and I know it's super selfish, but I wish Flo would still be there to help me out.

I know he's making the best choice, and I totally don't blame him! but I will miss him super much. I don't know if L'Arche can top him (no offence to my future potential friends who will potentially have his job).

Since I know you're reading this Flo. You rock. You're hot, hilarious and awesome, and I look forward to visiting you back home. Don't forget me, and have safe travels!

- ella faye

Monday, 4 July 2011

make a list of everything you need - leave it empty.

i spent my Canada day - for the most part - inside my res building, working on an assignment due at midnight, with a bad cold, and a champion sunburn. 

it had moments, where it was exactly as lame as it sounds.

I was on duty as a don, so I couldn't leave the property, but in the afternoon, Bjorn covered for me so I could go to the Canada day fair with my awesome bff Nzinga. 

We had a super fun time! I raced in a potato sac race (and lost, oh well), I raced some like, 4 year old little girl in an obstacle course - i obviously let her win - who's mom was cheering for me more than her daughter, it was serious lolz. I got a sweet henna tattoo of Charmeleon and I ate a delicious freezee (more delicious when free, and on Canada day). 

then, I took my sunburnt self back to residence to hold down the fort while everyone else partied it up. Some of the residents (the most awesome ones in res this term, i might add) stayed back and played cards with me upon return from fireworks, and Chris even battled pokemon cards with me (awesome) and the college was quiet and peaceful. it turned out to be an okay Canada day despite my rough morning.

now I have sweet tan lines. charmeleon tattooed on my body. a reputation for being a pokemon master and a unique canada day story. 

i think my canada day was probably better than yours. just sayin'.

- ella faye

Sunday, 3 July 2011

our hearts speak in whispers.

dear cute boy that i totally have a thing for,

you're really nice. you make me laugh and i like that.

you're also super cute. you have especially nice eyes. but i'm sure girls tell you that all the time.

i like being around you because you make me feel comfortable, even though you make fun of me sometimes.

i think you should have a thing for me back. i know i'm awkward and clumsy, and sometimes i say the wrong thing, and i'm too loud, and i have a funny laugh. but i'm nice, i have a good heart, i'll make you laugh and i'm a really great kisser. i think we'd make a super good team.

i can't tell if you're just a super nice guy, or if you'd consider me back. please just ask me out for coffee so I know if you like me. i promise i'll say yes so nothing to worry about.

i'm getting impatient because i'd be super sad if someone nabbed you up if you were thinking you didn't stand a chance with me. i know you're a pretty busy guy and you don't know if you'd have time for someone, but i'm a pretty busy person myself - one more reason we'd be awesome.

so, cute boy that i totally have a thing for, sweep me off my feet.

i'm so ready, and i think this'd be and awesome thing.

- ella faye

Friday, 1 July 2011

heal over someday.

happy canada day y'all.

i wish i was out celebrating, however, i'm on duty so i'm here.

and sometimes, being alone just makes me sad.

i still struggle with how easily the guys in my life have just broken my heart without even caring. like seriously, Kevin dumps me, Daniel abandons me, Max rejects me and Keegan gives up on me. It's incredibly frustrating. I feel so lonely, and it's sucky and lame, and on top of that, i'm stuck in the building for Canada day, alone.

It doesn't always help that my girlfriends are few and far between. Girls don't usually like me all that much (i'm a pretty intimidating person), and the ones I do have are in toronto/whitby/quebec/ottawa for the weekend. it's one of those days where i just wake up sad, my soul is sad today. most days aren't like this for me, but it's days where i'd call my dad or we'd have normally spent together that are particularly hard.

he wasn't always a perfect dad, but he always took the time to talk when I needed it, and today I'd definitely have called him. he loved Canada day. Last year he came and saw me sing to advertise my play. He was super embarrassed because my costume was hardly clothing, but he took it like a champ anyways. for all the frustration, yelling and hurtful things, he was the most supportive parent when it came to the things I was passionate about. He never missed a show, no matter how small and insignificant my role, and now I don't really get that as much.

I mean, my mom is great. But she's a busy lady. I feel like her time is so stretched between all her other commitments that I can't always ask her to give up time for me. Dad really only had work and me, since Bryan and Jared weren't as involved in school as I was. He still showed up for their stuff, but there was just less of it.

I know God has a plan. I know he has someone to come and be a partner and a companion for me. I know he didn't abandon me. I know great things are going to come from my bad experiences. Today I just really wish someone would crawl into my bed and hold me and let me cry. Listen to my stories about my dad, the good ones and the bad ones, and then make me tea and play a thoughtless card game.

But, because that's not an option today, I'm just going to put a brave face on and celebrate our awesome country.

- ella faye