Thursday, 30 June 2011

baby can you hear the message i am sending? (love me like the world is ending)

i know i'm not creative,

but boys are lame.

alongside the whole keegan drama, which has not been resolved, however, I can guarantee you 100% I will not be naming any of my daughters Victoria, because the name is ruined for me by Keegan's controlling, dramatic and obnoxious girlfriend. But that doesn't say all that much as I already was not a big fan of the name, it sounds to harsh, you know?

anyways, back to what I was saying. I developed a new mystery boy. He's great, exactly the kind of guy I could see myself with. He made me happy and feel safe, and we were developing quite the friendship. But he ruined it, he said something lame. I can't give anymore details because I refuse to give identifying information as enough people who are mutual friends read this blog that they might already know who I'm talking about.

Either way, on top of that, this is super selfish I know, but a good friend of mine is happily considering getting back together with her boyfriend (flashback to me and daniel), and unfortunately, I'm not his biggest fan (flashback to everyone's opinion of me and daniel), and I'm frustrated because I don't want to see her get hurt again (flashback to exactly what she told me about me and daniel), and since things with Daniel are so fine and dandy (I wish!), I just have concern.

Speaking of Daniel, I miss him. We're on speaking terms again sometimes, but hardly on a regular basis. I just miss having that best friend, who's been through everything with me. He would give me logic and understand about this whole Keegan thing, (probably not the mystery boy because that's a more touchy subject) and then I would feel better and understand better why this happened. Then he would take me out to Starbucks for a White Chocolate Mocha and we'd play pool by my rules (which allow me to take a second try anytime I say "oh no!")

I guess I'm just a little anti-man these days. Maybe I'll just hold off of boys until I apply to be on the Bachelor and win the rich guy. My seductress ways have not been successful with the last two mystery boys, but I haven't lost faith. I know I'm beautiful, hilarious and awesome. Someone else is bound to see that soontimes!

- ella faye

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

baby, i have no story to be told.

I think I got high off coughdrops today.

I took above the recommended dose of cepacol (that's intense stuff man) and let me explain:

I went to class to give my speech, jumped right into asking questions without saying hi to the prof (he laughed at me because he knew I was nervous, but it was kinda rude), I giggled like mad, I was all highstrung, then he told me I was too nice to be a Don. I laughed and said I was a mean Don (i'm not really, but I do make sure people follow the rules), and that I've been known to be called "Elisabitch" (true story). He laughed, I laughed, but, in hindsight, probably not a good move to explain to a prof right before he grades me. I do the speech, I thought I did pretty well, but I missed some important points, oh well, life goes on. Then, about two speeches after mine, I crashed. I feel tired, have a headache and couldn't focus. It's like a throat lozenge hangover man!

Now, i'm "listening" to my uneducated, overconfident prof, who actually reduced to just throwing out words with no logical cohesiveness this class ("Logic, Leader, Spirit.. You know what I me?" "No, I don't know what you mean, make sentences please"). And then later I get to watch Ghostbusters to write a paper on it for this class. I have a lolz life today.

It's a good thing I'm too busy to care about the whole Keegan thing. I know he's upset about how I told him I was hurt, and then that maybe we should have a little space for a while. He knows I don't love his girlfriend, but I deal with all her drama and she makes him upset all the time, and I just sit and listen and try and help him make it better. But, he is supposed to be my friend and stick with me no matter what. I was in his life before her, and I will be there after her, so why does she still manage to trump me in every way possible!? Ugh. Boys are lame.

But you know what, after class I'll pop another few lozenges and I won't even care anymore!

- ella faye

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

the city's changing, cause we are changing.

right now, I am just feeling plain devastated.

remember my bff Keegan? well, he did end up letting me down.

Keegan means the world to me, and I could never have asked for a better friend. But, his girlfriend has changed everything around, and she's slowly weening me out of his life.

He was supposed to come and visit me overnight this weekend, just for the one evening. I don't get to see him often, and I was really looking forward to a visit. But, he just texted me saying even though Vicki had initially agreed, she had changed her mind and now it's a no go.

I just wish I could have my best friend back. This is so lame.

Sorry for being a bum today, tomorrow will be better, Sarah is dropping by to see me, and Chris will watch the Bachelorette with me. It'll be nice to invest time in friends who invest it back.

Sometimes these lessons get learned the hard way. lamelamelamelamelame.

love and miss these girlies.

- ella faye

Monday, 27 June 2011

it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.

Member that time, when I said I would improve my work ethic?

I didn't happen,

Well, It kinda has, I mean, I have been working really hard on my speech due Wednesday, about why I disagree with the use of and how come students should avoid using it when alternate methods are offered.

I think I'm totally on a roll, and I think I make a really convincing argument.

However, that doesn't help the fact that I have a monster midterm tomorrow and I haven't even cracked the textbook. lamelamelamelamelame.

But. I want to tell you a completely silly and ridiculous story that made my day yesterday.

Andrea wasn't the only person baptized yesterday, and one little girl who may have changed my life.

In her story about her life, and how she came to follow God, she mentioned being totally terrified of geese.

I had to let out a little laugh as she said this, and a friend of mine said to me "It's like she's reading an insert from your blog!" (you can see the post he was referencing here)

This girl could not have been older than 13, and she was talking about her fear of geese, and how when she prayed once, the geese just all peaced out and she could walk where ever she was going in peace.

Super lame and hilarious story, with super huge meaning. I love it, it's like the story of my life.

I am not alone, in my fear of geese, or, anything else for that matter.

And God has control of even the most minor details of my life, because even the most trivial things can be a big deal in my life.

I am so, so blessed. Also, I'm super glad this fear of geese thing is being brought to light.

If the fear of geese is affecting your everyday life, click here for a great guide on how to avoid attacks from geese. this is serious people. follow these instructions, so far this year, I have not had any dangerous encounters.

now, back to studying!

- ella faye

Sunday, 26 June 2011

you make me feel like i am home again.

oh heyyy.

so, it's another stressful week for me, with a test on tuesday and my speech on thursday, my stress level is a little high these days.

which is exactly why i needed my wonderful biffle jeff and my outstanding roommate Ainsley to come visit me this weekend. and to celebrate the baptism of a dear friend of mine Andrea. 

First, Jeff visited me to celebrate his nineteenth birthday. After shopping for club wear with Megan, making cute decorate mugs and playing a couple of mean games of euchre (which we won, obviously) he and I decided it was time to hit up the nightclub. We danced the night away, and it was super funtimes.

What I loved is that we just danced, innocently and wildly. We were not looking to "hook up" or attention from anyone, and we were not trying to behave as though we were anything more than friends. It was just pure, sweet and unhindered fun. A part from the fact he kept falling off the couch in my room waking me up through the night, his visit was perfect, and I miss him already!

then I was presently surprised by a visit from my old roommate Ainsley, who listened to me rant about boys and made me tea for when I got up in the morning. She soothes my soul and makes my world peaceful, I was glad to have her around.

Then, this morning, my friend Andrea was baptized. Afterwards we celebrated at her house, where her hilarious Romanian mother fed me so much food that I might have actually stretched out my stomach. It was so so so delicious though, I am currently looking into being adopted by her family.

I'm so thankful to be surrounded with so many people that I love so much. I have no shortage of love or laughter in my life, and I really can't help but feel overwhelmed with this blessing.

I haven't had an easy life, and I'm by no means going through an easy time, but I can recognize the support that surrounds me each and every day of my life, and I don't want to overlook this incredible gift.

I may not have a father to celebrate last sunday, but I have the most wonderful friends to celebrate everyday.

This include you! This blog has become a huge part of my life and I'm thankful for you for taking interest in my thoughts and feelings. You rock, and you bring a smile to my face each time you check my page.

I'm proud of myself for being able to look at the positives in my life, in spite of the stressors and hurts that are still so present.

thank you so, so much.

- ella faye

Thursday, 23 June 2011

this territory goes uncharted.

don't get me wrong,

i love kids.

but I've found as I've gotten older that I don't know what to do with them.

this is my dilemma with Emma and Owen, my potential future step-brother and step-sister. 

They're fine kids, Emma loves barbies and music and can sing along to every Rihanna and Selena Gomez song, and Owen "pwns n00bs" at video games.  (that's right guys, I know the "lingo" bahaha)

But, I know what is okay and what isn't with my brothers. I can watch youtube videos with Bry and not worry about the level of appropriateness, he is in highschool afterall (I was corrupted by then, and if he wasn't before, he is now thanks to me), and Jared has quick wit and a sharp tongue. I know I can tease ad insult him and he will take it like a champ (and then proceed to come up with a remark to get me back when I least expect it.)

I don't feel like I can tease and taunt Emma and Owen, after all, they are pretty much still strangers.

I feel like I just sit around and look at them. It's like, when a 13 year old boy gets to hold someone's baby and it totally freaks them out and they just hold it like it's a small grotesque alien. With the exception that I don't hold Emma and Owen, I just awkwardly stand and look at them.

Maybe I'm a robot, and can't intake this new information! Or, what if my life is like the Truman Show, and this is all planned out, and they picked awkward children that I won't ever be able to figure out. Maybe they don't like my mom and will try and get rid of her through me. Maybe they love my mom but will try and eliminate her real children! Maybe they love me and will cling to me and I will have to forfeit my whole social life to make them happy! Maybe I should start looking up Barbie and Selena Gomez so I have some sort of Idea what to talk about, I mean, I'm already working on my COD skills, so that one is covered for Owen.

Okay, deep breaths, I know I'm being ridiculous. I just don't even know how to handle this new family dynamic! Seriously, I always wanted a sister, and now I'm freaking terrified of her. 

Right now, my life movie would be titled "awkward attack of the potentially alien siblings."

I think it has potential, this could be the next blockbuster!

the Kuna community in Panama 2007

- ella faye

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

i'm not drowning (there's no one here to save)

it's funny to me that people get so wiled up about certain topics.

gay rights
women in ministry

religion and culture clash so strongly in some of these topics that it can ruin friendships, cause riots and break hearts.

(sidenote: excuse me as I get back up on my pedestal)

don't get me wrong. I love God, consummately, with my whole being. I've lived through heart break, abuse, near poverty, the death of a parent and a lot of prejudice. I don't think for one second I've made it through on my own strength, because many times I have felt overwhelmed and torn down.

But, I also think it's not my role to judge. God kinda speaks about how he's the only one who can judge people, so like, is it even my job to care what other people think? I don't really think so.

Which is why I find philosophical debates both interesting and frustrating. I don't mind speaking out on my own opinion, which is hardly the norm for my church group, but also I don't think shocking or controversial, but I also don't like being told I'm not a "good enough christian" or "living my life for God".

It hurts my feelings! I don't think the people who know me doubt my faith, or doubt my love for God, so why should they care if we don't totally agree!

I've been told on a few occasions that mindsets like mine that go against the literal translation of certain bible verses is what cause division in the church, which hurts me so deeply. I don't want to see division in the church, it's tragic! I  can accept that everyone is different, and can accept that fact. I don't think it's my way of going against the grain that causes division, I think it's the mindset that everyone needs to agree because a certain translation is "right" and there can be no other interpretations of that.

My world is shades of grey. I'm not perfect, and so I can't say what is right and wrong. I hardly know what's right and wrong for me all the time, never mind for other people!

I'm sorry if that's an upset, or if you judge me for it, but do my opinions effect your everyday life? If people had never asked me, they'd have never even known!

I just feel like there is so many huge issues in the world that I'm sure we generally agree on.

World Poverty.
Child Slavery.
Family Violence.

I get so frustrated at the idea that we all agree on these things, but do nothing about it, while people picket and fight against letting two women get married in a church. What wasted energy!


I guess Im just feeling passionate these days. I want to love everyone, I want no one to hurt, and I want to make a big difference in some of the issues I'm passionate about. But, I also want support from my friends, family and church in the process - whether or not we always agree on the same things.

- ella faye

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

i could get back on the right track, but only if you'd be convinced.

Sorry once again,

being in school and trying to blog is super hard.

so much happened over the weekend:

friday - i went to Sarah's to evaluate his brother's new girlfriend

she gets the pass, a little quiet for me, but Sarah and I can be intimidating.
she doesn't eat ice cream, which is weird, but whatever floats her boat.
she made a pretty good euchre partner, this is promising,
she's not into facial hair, i get it but have different taste.

saturday - went to my mom's bf's house

met his kids
i'm too awkward around them, i've never had a sister before, i don't know how to react to her
and i have two brothers, so i handle the son better, but serious, he's a debby downer.

then, sarah's grad party

partying on a two drink limit, nbd. (donning restrains these things)
anytime with Sarah is a good time
more euchre
nathan kept talking pokemon to me, major turn on, what a tease.
jairaj's mom = hottest mom ever (sorry mom).

sunday - brought my macbook in for a repair and they gave me a new one

then, medieval times with the fam (and Jame's (mom's bf) fam, and my Aunt Cheryl's fam)
super cheesy and fun
red and yellow knight - ughh soooo cute.
i wanted to give him my number, but totally chickened out.

monday - work work work

an essay and an assignment both due that i hadn't started
started and finished them both
went to trivia night at the bomber,
i knew one of the answers but the boys didn't believe me.

then deep convos with john, trevor and chris, more about that tomorrow,

so i hope you understand why i didn't write. i hope to pull it all together soontimes.

"hold me without touch."

- ella faye

Friday, 17 June 2011

everything is burning out.

I hate letting myself down.

I did that this week.

I got so overwhelmed with everything going on in my life, that I let something really important slip from my mind, and it blew up in my face big time.

I just hate that!

I generally hold myself to a pretty high standard. I know what I'm capable of, and I know it's a lot. But sometimes I just take too much on, get frazzled and then proceed to crash and burn.

That happened this week.

I mean, I was already falling behind, having been away from campus for 5 days for that camping trip, and then some personal issues I had to sort out in my head afterwards, as we know. Then, this week I spent a collective 9 hours in the Emergency waiting room as a result of two hospital visits with friends (both of which are fine). My brain feels fried, I'm exhausted and emotional, and father's day is this weekend. Need I say more?

And now, I'm making big mistakes that are effecting other people. I'm so frustrated.


Well, I could rant for days, but I still have to read those friggen books and write that damn essay for monday.

sorry for my attitude today! I just need to pull my shit together!

i'm a wreck.

- ella faye

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

3 bucks. 2 bags. 1 me.

Oh heyyyyy.

Sorry I haven't been writing a lot, it's been crazy essay/midterm/donning/videogames time in my life, and to be honest, I haven't been feeling entirely creatively inspired.

I feel a little overwhelmed these days, I have so much happening and I always feel like my list of things to do is entirely too long. I'm trying to read these two books to write a paper on from my criminology class. I feel like it's just too impossible. I only have another 200 pages to read, and I've done that in one day before, but for some reason it seems so far over my head this week. The paper is only 5 pages, applying sociological theories to these books, which I think should only take a solid 3 hours of writing, but for some reason, this term, it seems impossible.

I don't get stressed about school, and I wouldn't say I'm stressed about this, I just feel overwhelmed. Maybe I'm just out of the swing of things, but I know what I'm capable of, and I know I can do this. So why does it seem so far from reach?! This is just so unlike me!

Maybe it's just how different everything in my life is. I'm donning, I'm in school for the summer, I'm single, Sarah isn't in Renison with me, so I'm having to make new friends, my mom is kind of MIA with her new boyfriend, my whole life is entirely flipped around from where it was a year ago. I'm doing everything differently now, because I'm different now.

I guess I'll get back to reading now. Maybe my work ethic is better than I thought it was.

Two years ago, I was a "dirty napkin" in Beauty and the Beast.
I never thought so much would have changed! 

- ella faye

Monday, 13 June 2011

i don't do sadness. not even a little bit, (i just don't need it in my life).

my name is ella.

and i'm a Call of Duty addict.

also, the Sims.

and it seems like L.A. Noire is becoming an issue too.

but it's okay,

because girls who play video games are sexy.

I feel like a new, stronger woman now! I've moved on from last week's boy problems, I'm giving myself a fresh start, and I like shooting zombies.

Over the weekend, I spent more time playing video games then  I did sleeping, studying, eating or playing cards.

#3 from last post - check.

next on my list.

Kan Jam.

My friend Janice and I are entering our residence's Kan Jam Tournament. I suck and she's never played, but we're going to wear awesome costumes, laugh a lot, and make wild fools of ourselves.

I think people need to enjoy life more. We take everything so seriously all the time, but why!?

My goal for the rest of the summer is to laugh as much as humanly possible. I'm over sad. I'm over heartbreak. I'm ready for lots of laughing.

Kan Jam with Janice will provide this.

So will celebrating my friend Jeff's 19th birthday (we're hilarious dancers).

So is having Sarah come visit me on weekends, and I think meeting her brother's new girlfriend with her will be a riot.

Also, getting better than all the boys at COD,

and planning sweet, awesome and amazing floor/college events for the residents.

My energy is going to be well used for the rest of the summer.

Bring. It. On.

summer '07. jess and i being awesome.

- ella faye

Friday, 10 June 2011

i'd rather sleep my whole life away, than have you keep me from dreaming.

I know  I said I'd give stories about camping,

but it still makes me sad.

so instead, i'll tell you about my dodgeball game today.

So, remember how I explained how amazing I am at volleyball?

Well i'm equally good at dodgeball,

with the exception, that I dress up in full on, tight and bright.

I've got my neon knee highs, blue shortshorts, BIEBER FEVER tee shirt, and the classic headband across my forehead. I'm the definition of sexy.

I did not catch the dodgeball once. Nor did I ever get anyone else. But I rocked my style and team spirit, and was the last woman standing TWICE (wayyyy to intense for me, i might have nightmares about it.)

I'm proud of myself.

I accept that I'm by no means athletic, but I see the fun in things, even when I'm not very good.

Sometimes I'm too embarrassed to step out of my comfort zone, but I'm working on overcoming it.

Step one: Volleyball

Step two: Dodgeball

Step three: Video Games?

I'll never improve if I never try, right?

"i'll be strong. and if not now, it won't be long."

- ella faye

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

and give me the proof that you really care.

Today i feel a lot better. i feel cried out and tired, but my friends have risen up around me and been awesome. I won two games of Euchre last night with my epic euchre partner Kassym (but don't worry Jeff, we are no where near as good as team Jesabeth was!). I chatted with my friend Trevor, who always makes me laugh (usually at myself but he has his moments too) and settled down in bed to a good episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

I guess since my heart feels a little bit lighter, I might as well share some of the highlights of my trip.

I loved how much Florian loved the trip. He was just amazed when we got to the campsite, and wanted to look at/take pictures of everything. Sometimes I forget how beautiful Ontario can be, and it was nice to be reminded.

I might have been camping with two smart, creative, innovative and handy guys, but apparently, the concept of a camping stove is above and beyond all of us, and the guy from the site next door. With put a lot of time and effort into making this stove happen, and it just wouldn't! I have to laugh at the thought of how clueless we are. Max almost had it working at one point, but alas, we were in the end defeated and had to cook everything over the fire all weekend. It all turned out okay, but we lost a fair amount of food into the firepit below. Oh well :)

On Sunday, we hiked the Barron Canyon trail. Breathtaking and amazing. But I will follow this up with a full blogpost another day.

There was a lot of mosquitos. My whole body is spotted and sore. It adds to my current grouchy factor. I have tried: burning them, toothpaste, making an X with my nails. If you have other remedies, please, please, please, i'm begging you, let me know.

I have some other stories too, but I figured I'd just give you a brief over view of my trip. Check out Florian's blog and pictures HERE! You can read his stories and see his pictures (if you open it in Chrome, it'll translate, otherwise go to Sehen for pictures!)

I promise, I have some awesome stories, I just need to wait for the joy that I lost on Monday to replenish itself, and it will soon. I may have been knocked down, but I'm a strong, tough, wonderful woman, and I deserve to find someone who never wants to break my heart.

It may suck now, but I will learn and grow.

watch out, he'll charm you.

- ella faye

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

i still can't believe that you would walk away.

today feels like yesterday.

i'm still super sad. i'm going through all the break up stages. putting the clothes i took from him away, taking down pictures, listening to angry taylor swift songs.

i need some ben and jerry's a good chick flick. Sarah is coming over this weekend and I think she'll help heal my heart a little. I'm just at a loss for words at how upset I am that everything turned out so miserably. In my head, it would be a relatively happy ending, I feel so disappointed.

In other news, I'm getting back into the swing of things with class and stuff.

I should write a funny and uplifting story because yesterday's blog was so sad, but I just don't feel up for it. Sorry.

why would you want to break a perfectly good heart?

- ella faye

i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale

so, right now, i just want to take back everything good i've ever said about max.

i don't mean it, i still really care about him, and i know he is a great guy, but it's how i feel in this moment.

i went camping with max and flo this weekend, and although max and I had a couple of bumps towards the end of our relationship, i thought he genuinely had cared for me so that there still must be some sort of connection and comfort so it'd be okay.

boy was i wrong.

he evidently from the beginning wanted little to do with me. this was a struggle for me. I wanted to feel special and cared for and have that safe comfortable feeling we'd once had. so on the last night i laid out all my feelings on the line, and he was great. I thought we were on the same page, with some explaining and compromising from both parties. I woke up feeling like, hey, i know things won't work with him, but at least it'll be happy memories.

so, as i said my final goodbye today, i asked for one last goodbye kiss. i didn't think it was being so unreasonable, I mean, I'm never going to see him again, and I have such genuine and admirable feelings towards him. But, I was plainly rejected.

My last memory of max, for the rest of my life, will be trying to hold back tears, and him just looking into my eyes as though he didn't even care about how he was breaking my heart.

after crying my way home, and a good chat with my best friend Sarah, I established two possible reasons for his behaviour.

1) he's a giant, heartless player, who considered my feelings a silly game since the moment we started dating, and wanted to play one last move before we said goodbye.


2) maybe he just doesn't want to get hurt, so by keeping in control of the situation, his feelings get protected.

but, either way, he was being a jerk or a coward.

and either way, i ended up hurt.

the irony is, he was telling me the other day that i shouldn't keep people in my life who hurt me. that it's okay to let people go if it's a bad situation for me.

i don't think either of us knew i'd have to apply it to him the very next day.

i fell for a german boy who broke my heart, and he didn't even need too. he could have gone home to germany letting me believe he cared about me, and that he wasn't letting go of me because he wanted too, but because circumstances made him. Instead, I got a big dose of "you're nothing special."

today is a sad day, but i'll move on, i'll find someone new and i'll hopefully have a better story about the next boy.

i never would have guessed it, but we all get blindsided sometimes.

- ella faye

Monday, 6 June 2011

stood there and watched you walk away.

i have too much in my head to be a reasonable blogger today,

but it's been too long.

so taylor swift will enlighten you with a brief summary of what's in my head.

- ella faye