so, i decided sometimes i'm sick of knowing people read my blog, but never give me any feedback as to what they like/dislike about what i have to say/write.
as much as this is a space for me to use to vent, express my feelings, and share stories, it's a place for you to get to know someone, and to know you're not on your own. life is crazy for everyone, and it's nice to think someone else out there gets that.
anyways. i now have a special email just for you all, no matter where you are. questions or comments, it's your turn. you guys are important to me!
sometimes, now that i'm in my twenties, i realize some people grow up, and others don't.
this is my blog about oktoberfest.
people who don't?
my dear friend nathan. love him to bits, but seriously, maybe you don't need to try and take a girl home every time we go out! i feel like he stops appreciating our friendship whenever a girl in a slinky outfit walks by. we've been through a lot, and i will love him till the end, but i wish i felt more valuable more often in our friendship.
kevin. seriously? you introduced a girl to me as your "friends with benefits"! i feel so bad for that poor girl! not because she's hooking up with you, because i know you can be a nice guy, but i'd be so embarassed if someone ever introduced me as their "friends with benefits". One more reason i'm glad we broke up in first year!
adrian. don't apologize to me for not being friends, but refuse to admit you were an ass and believed gossip about me that wasn't true. at this point, who cares if i called you a player! if i had, said it, i'd own it by now.
sarah's friends. sarah has a new boyfriend, so what? don't awkwardly stare at him and not talk to him all night. you don't have to pick john or sarah, you should just be nice friends and get over yourselves.
kassym. don't cheat! i love you man, but don't text your ex or dance with other girls all the time if you're committing to a new relationship. sometimes you have to make hard choices, and playing two girls is the WRONG ONE. but no worries, i still love you tons even though you make bad choices.
john. no contact means no contact. don't say things to me to say to sarah. just don't talk to me about her if this is so much of an issue.
me right now. i'm feeling bitchy about people that whole night. it was super fun, but i'm sick of other peoples drama, which is why i'm venting, but i stayed calm, collected and friendly all night, in spite of the craziness.
people who do?
sarah. i'm so proud of her these days. she broke up with john, and he was a great guy, but i never thought they were as happy together as they could be. it's sad that he got hurt, but i know she did the best thing for her. and now, she is seeing someone new, and his is great. i've never seen her so happy, and he treasures her the way she deserves to be. i think i've finally met someone who isn't related to sarah, who cares about her as much as i do! it's crazy! and people have given her such a hard time for following her heart, but she has stayed true to herself, and that's awesome.
mark. he finally pick a girl i approve of. thank. you. jesus.
zeuner. i love when you stand up for yourself. i want you to be proud of who you are and your choices, and it makes me happy when you don't decide to do things just to appease other people.
miguel. i like that you're doing your own thing now. i know you didn't even go to oktoberfest, but a) being generous to give your ticket to a friend, and b) knowing your limits and when to stay in and do you (not in the literal sense, but if that is what you needed, then go for it!) that shows a lot of maturity. i'm proud of you!
me. i didn't even get mad at anyone while the night progressed! only today.
so as you can see, it was quite the crazy night for me, full of people whining, a crazy ex-boyfriend, a loser who i had to live in res with second year that i'd hoped to never see again, lots of fun dancing, beer, and good friends :)
i forgot when i excitedly posted about it how my excitement only lasts for like, 3 days, and then i just am embarassed to be carrying a sword around in public places. however, I was the last don left in the game, so i did accomplish that goal.
in other news, my floors is hilarious as ever. they're stressed with midterms and stuff, and i am too, but it makes me feel old to see them go through this milestone. i don't even really remember my first round of midterms or if i was particularly nervous. weird.
i also went to oktoberfest, but that deserves it's own post, so i'll try and get that to you tomorrow.
school is crazy for me right now, so excuse me if i'm even less consistant than usual. life is crazy.
but back to what i originally intended to blog about today.
i am desperate for a job for next term.
not in the "i'm willing to use jobmine and take a crappy job way" but in a "i'm ready to get a job that will help to further my career when i'm done school" kind of way.
i dream about it, i wake up with the sweats thinking about it (i know, more imagery than you needed)
i've never been stressed like this before. if i don't find a job, it's not that big of a deal, because i can a school term and stay here. it's not ideal financially, but in spite of my strained relationship with my mom, i know she has my back and would support me in that. but i don't want to fail, i want to be able to achieve the standard i have set for myself in this area.
and i want my floor to be proud of me! i want them to see me as success and value my thoughts and opinions about how they can succeed here at university as well! i know i can't make them all like me, and it's not my job to be their friend all the time, but i like to be liked, i think everyone does. it just scares me that i don't have control over this situation.
so, it's time for me to be vulnerable, and accept that i am not always in control of every detail of my life. it's a learning experience, but i'll get there.
well, we'll see what happens. keep rooting for me!
no matter how difficult of a time i am in, i am blessed to have the friends and relationships that i do.
my floor is an excellent example of that.
their love for gotcha makes me smile every day.
"dee" always makes me laugh, because she is just crazy. the other day she walked to my door, collapsed halfway in my room and halfway in the hall and exclaimed breathlessly how happy she was to have finished her first ever university essay. i laughed at her and asked her where her sword for gotcha was, and she looked at me in terror, stood up, and without a word booked it back to her room to return to safety. i never would have guessed that she'd grow so attached to her plastic pirate sword.
and "rawn"is super competitive. she bbms me every time she gets someone out of the game, and i swear i can feel her excitement through my phone before I've even read the message. she could very well win this game with her passion for wiping out all the boys still left in the game.
i see girls walking to the washroom with their sword in hand, hear them plotting schemes to tag out other people, and brag to their friends how exciting it is to be a part of this game, and that's the purpose of these sorts of things. it's bringing people together and bringing laughter and excitement to people's lives and time here in residence.
i didn't tell my floor that yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death, and i'm glad, because instead of being cautious around me all day like some people do, they reminded me that no matter what hardships i've experienced, that i'm so blessed to be afforded the experiences i have, and to be surrounded by the people here.
i know my daddy is watching out for me, there is proof every day in little things like that.
let me tell you a bit about my dad, cause i miss him:
dad was super charismatic, and i think i got a lot of that from him.
he was also super persuasive, and could make you see any side of an argument.
he really loved Tim Horton's French Vanilla Cappuccinos, and the Bacon and Egg McMuffin from McDonalds, and we'd always stop for one or the other when we were out.
he never missed a single play i was ever a part of, and he is the only person in the world who did that for me.
he loved fixing things, or at least trying too.
he had a terrible fashion sense.
he always followed through for things, even if he was up until 3 am with me helping me finish an assignment or if he had to drive things to school for me the next day.
he struggled with mental illness, but once you could see past it, he was extremely loving and passionate.
he always wanted to help everyone whichever way he could.
he used to play the flute with me in the basement and i always loved the way it sounded.
he was really really picky when it came to naming my brothers and i.
when i was upset, he'd always tell me to squeeze his hand as hard as i could until i felt better, even into adulthood.
when i was little, he'd always take me for breakfast on weekends for "daddy-daughter time"
he's the only other person on the planet who really loved my dog, Buster, other than me. But dad loved Buster the most without a doubt.
he had a form for guys who wanted to date me to fill out, and he'd interview them, but really, it was just him giving me time to decide what I wanted, and if I wanted to bail out before it was official, he would deny the guy for me.
his favourite movie was "A Walk to Remember", but he'd always deny it. (He'd also text me whenever he found it on TV no matter where I was)
he took me to the woodworking show like, a million times. And I complained about it, but I loved it.
he had yahtzee on his phone and he always let me play it secretly in church.
he always encouraged me to challenge myself and to fight for what i believe in.
he was the cool dad in my friend group, and we could always count on him to pick us up from a party we shouldn't have been at or from a bad day without getting told on.
he taught me how to drive, and in turn, to face some of my biggest fears.
he loved my brothers and i a lot, and he was really proud of us.
no one is a perfect person, and dad wasn't even close. but beyond the things he struggled with that changed the way he thought or acted sometimes, he was a sweet loving and supportive dad. and can you ask for too much more?
mom tells me i got ripped off in life because of him, but i think it's the opposite. i think he think he taught me to love myself before loving other people, to speak my mind, to fight for what is heavy on my heart and to see people for their true self, no matter how much someone's circumstances mars how they may be seen.
i had a busy busy weekend, and i'm sorry i couldn't tell you all about it earlier.
i just hate changes i guess, and i don't want to bring the world down by whining about how my mom makes poor choices because of her insecurities, and puts the blame on anyone but her new husband, who is an idiot and a sham, because his lies and need to be right all the time make her feel protected. I just wish she wouldn't set herself up for failure. I want her to be happy, and I want her to make wise choices to obtain that happiness.
on top of all of that,
today is the 2nd anniversary of my dad's death.
i swear it feels like i got the call yesterday, i remember it so well.
and sometimes i get mad, when people whine about juvenile things when i know how much things like this hurt. i see other people around me who i care about going through incredibly difficult things too right now in my life, and it makes me so frustrated how people think it's such a huge deal if they didn't like the dinner options or if someone unintentionally hurts someone else's feelings.
i know next week, that'll be me all over again, mad about little things, it's normal, and it's human.
but today my heart aches, and it's a kind of ache i can't really even explain.
and my mom just wants me to not care because she couldn't understand my dad for the good person he was inside.
today, i don't care if she broke up with you and is dating someone new. i don't care if you don't like lunch. and i don't care if the SLC is too far for you to walk too.
but i do care if you're heart is aching like mine. if you have, thought you were going to, or are facing the possibility of losing someone you love, or your own. because people don't talk about it enough. and because sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish and be upset that this is happening or has happened.
i know i rambled on, and didn't make much sense today, but i'm okay with that. and you should be too.
i'll be normal and whiney again soon, no worries.
i love you daddy.
you'd be proud of me these days, i've done a lot in the last 2 years.
one of the things i look forward too every year as a residence don is Gotcha. an epic game of tag where you are hunting while being hunted.
the premise of the game is that you have a safety item, this year it's a pirate sword. so long as i am holding my safety item, i am safe, because someone in the residence (i have no idea who) is hunting me to catch me without it.
i am also hunting someone, and as a don, i have the advantage of knowing who most of the people in the building are, and if i don't, i have access to everyone's photos through the college. it's awesome.
this gets freaking intense. people have followed people home, to the gym, to work. people camp out outside other people's rooms and follow them to classes. this is the real deal, and it's something that i think makes residence life so amazing.
as i'm nearing the end of my university experience, i'm really appreciating how important it is to have a balance of fun and work. i mean, i've never worked too too hard, and i've always valued fun, but now, knowing I only have another year left, i just want to soak in all the experiences that i can. people lied when they say high school is the best years of your lives, because this is way, way better.
- ella faye
p.s. best line i've heard so far in gotcha as people try and find out who the person they are hunting is? "Excuse me, how many of the guys on your floor are white?"
jason, thank you for teaching me to open up the ugly sides of me and own them as part of who i am.
meg, thank you for making me laugh in my hardest moments.
jeffrey, thank you for enjoying little things with me.
ainsley, thank you for warming my heart with your gentle spirit. also, for inspiring me everyday.
keegan, thank you for holding on.
nathan, thank you for teaching me i'm worth fighting for.
sarah, thank you for always supporting me, and listening so well to my hardships.
luc, thank you for always having fun with me.
nick and miguel, thank you for keeping me grounded.
kaitlyn, thank you for being the sister i never got.
nancy, thank you for always seeing the good in me, and for fighting for me when i needed it.
treetop, thank you for making my job worth it.
scott and heather, thank you for bringing the joy back into my life.
cassie, thank you for showing me i have value to someone.
john, thank you for being such a great example of what a friend should be.
michael, thank you for loving me unconditionally.
you are all examples of how good god is.
- ella faye
kaitlyn. man i miss that girl.
p.s. 150 posts :) thats why this one is extra meaningful.
we went, and there were like 40 people in our group so we had the whole game to ourselves. I was on Team Animal, because I have a longstanding reputation with the Dons of Animal, and we were playing against the other all boys floor, FUBAR.
my adrenaline was pumping, people were yelling, i was being pelted at all angles. it was insane. all day i was like "man, this is awesome, i want to paintball all the time!"
everyone was all camoflauged out, crawling in the grass, screaming in pain. i particularly liked the scenario where we had to take some dynamite and load a gun in the other teams base. we didn't win, but the landscaping was awesome, and it was super intense. it was like Star Wars Battlefront except it was real life, not in space, and only humans, also no space battles, and i friggen hate space battles, so that was awesome. also, i didn't have to remember to move my head with my body, which is an issue for me when I play video games, but in real life, my body does that naturally so it was a lot less frustrating.
but, today, i have different feelings. my whole body feels like it has a charlie horse. i am finding purple welts on all areas of my body, and my muscles want me to die. everything i was worried about camp true. also, the paint looks like dried sperm all over my clothes that i wore because it was goopy and white. i know was it is but i'm still judging myself a little bit.
also, when i clothes my eyes i relive feeling so scared as we called the beginning of the game, and wanting to hide but running towards angry, armed FUBARians.
so, i am having very conflicted emotions about my experience yesterday. maybe i'll just have to go again sometime and see if i still enjoy it in the moment knowing what the next days feels like. i still have lots of free passes, so maybe i can convince another group of people to make a trip out.
either way, i still don't know why paintballing became a big thing. i think i definitely like lazer quest better, because it's like paintballing without the pain in glow in the dark, and making anything less painful and glow-in-the-dark improves it, obviously. who doesn't love glow-in-the-dark things!?
well, that's that for now, i'd better be off to do real work for school, since i spent all day yesterday shooting aimlessly at FUBAR.
- ella faye
team animal dons FTW. (even though we lost, we're still really good looking and awesome)