Friday, 30 September 2011

dance with me darling, the night is falling.

i'm sitting in my kitchen,

with my momma and james, and we've all maybe had one glass of wine too many.

and life is beautiful.

today I drove Anne from our house to her sister's city.

three hours of me, and the core member i struggle with the most.

Anne and I have always clashed. I find her attention seeking behaviours extremely frustrating, and as a result, I tend to be shorter with her than I should be.

but something about checking my rearview mirror and seeing her there sleeping in the back seat just melted my heart.

i never thought i loved her, but evidently i do.

for the first time in my life, i'm realizing how much i adore the people in my life.

i'm realizing how happy i am to have the life that i do, even with my struggles.

things with michael have been so wonderful. in fact, i'm going to fly to calgary to see him in november.

i feel vulnerable, and scared, and happy.

i feel like i love the people around me,

and that i'm loved by them.


beauty is in innocence,

and beauty is in accepting moments of shame.


beauty is both in laughter and tears.


beauty is in the first light of day,

and the first star to appear in the night sky.


beauty is in my brothers playing video games,

and my mother holding hands with her new love.


beauty is in clothes that don't fit anymore,

and a brand new pair of shoes.


start noticing it.

- ella faye

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

lookie who is is comin', who? (you've got that somethin')

sorry that i suck at blogging these days,

i haven't been feeling as inspired as i used to be.

i don't know why, i still love the folks, and i still see quirks in my everyday life, but for some reason it seems to be getting lost in all the stress and craziness of the house.

but i'm going to try harder, I promise

(and at least I'm still doing better than you Em! aha)

but I did realize some hilarity in my life today,

in the form of my hickville dirt next door neighbours.

the neighbours i called the cops on when they were setting off fireworks on their front lawn underneath the phone lines.

or the neighbours that brought me an incredible amount of laughter when I got to play "how many cars do the next door neighbours actually have" last spring when the snow melted and revealed more and more hidden automobiles.

and then, last week, I drove by to see one of the children (no one is really confident how many children actually live here) on the front lawn naked climbing into one of the unusable vehicles. I might have peed myself a little I was laughing so hard, does this 13 year old kid have no pride?!

well anyways, last spring I counted 9 vehicles on their property, and this year there is less, around 5. However, a new, significantly more beat up vehicle has now made it on to the lot.

and yet, i see the dad working on this piece of junk all the time! the front is wrecked, the driver's door has been replaced and the rear bumper is a piece of abstract art, so of all the vehicles for my crazy neighbour to try and make work, why would he pick this one?

but it occurred to me was i was sitting on the couch in the living room after dinner today.

that car needs the most care - he doesn't see them as simple stupid wastes of time like I might, they're his projects, and this one needs the most attention right now.

aren't we all kind of like that?

sometimes i look at my life and think, i've been that junker, the big waste of time.

growing up being told you're useless and not worth it gets to you, and then add being hit and thrown around a bit and you've got quite the fragile young girl.

but people took the time for me, and helped fixed me up. made me the stronger and independent woman that i am today.

I don't know why people chose to invest in me, when it would have been way easier to brush me aside and take the time on people with more evident potential,

but i'm thankful that they did.

so, you go for it awkward redneck neighbour next door.

you fix that car!

- ella faye

Monday, 19 September 2011

the sun, the moon, and all their light.

Anne didn't have a great week.

I mean, she's getting older, and her life is super busy,

and she hurt her hip on Thursday and Friday she was the queen of grouch.

Sometimes life is not fair. When you are tired, lonely. lost and frustrated, the punches continue to get thrown.

There has been a lot of changes in the house, with Jay's needs changing, the staff is tired, worn down and the folks aren't all getting the same one on one attention that they used too.

Anne's life is in transition, and she didn't need a sore hip to add to the chaos.


I can connect with her. Because my life is in transition right now too. Im lonely, I miss having Michael, Miguel, Kassym, Shale, Chris, Janice, Elizabeth and Trevor at a stones throw. I miss being able to walk upstairs and as for a hug when my heart is aching. I miss being able to drive home when life gets to be too much. I miss having someone to laugh with all the time.

I'm trying to be so strong here, but sometimes I feel like it was foolish to come back.

The amount I'd give to be able to play a game of euchre, or hold Michael's hand right now is ridiculous.

But, last night when I was reflecting on the week with Anne, she said she was happy.

she didn't know why, but she was.

I almost cried! I see a million reasons for her to be upset, and angry. I wouldn't blame her for a single second!

But, it was all forgotten, and she only recalled the highlights of her week.

I want to live like that. I try, but I can always improve.

I wish I could capture her beauty and innocence in that moment for you to really see an understand.

Life and L'Arche are beautiful.

- ella faye

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

heaven sent a hurricane.

i have some more confessions.

sometimes, i wake up crying of happiness because everything just feels so right.

and sometimes i wake with a sorrowful heart, and have to choose to smile through it.

sometimes,  i eavesdrop on people in starbucks,

because it reminds me how small i really am in this world, 

and how big God is to be aware of it all.

sometimes i act like i think i'm the most beautiful girl in the room,

because it's nice to think someone thinks that, even if it has to be me.

sometimes i go to my room and cry after hugging all my core-members good night,

because i know one of them doesn't remember me each morning, and it breaks my heart.

sometimes I go to a shoe store and find the ugliest pair of shoes I can to try on,

because I think it's hilarious when the salespeople try and tell me they look great and they're a super popular shoe.


sometimes i just want to get married and settle down,

and sometimes just the idea of that scares the hell out of me.

sometimes i whisper my true feelings about people while I lay in bed at night,

because I've convinced myself that somehow someday it will get to them and they'll understand me better.


sometimes I would go to a specific yoga class to get that super hot instructor,

but then I would avoid him like the plague the entire class.

sometimes I seriously consider applying for the bachelor,

because I feel like it would be an awesome story for my kids (sorry michael, aha).


sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to joy I have in life

but I'm sure as heck happy I have it.


i am so, so blessed.

- ella faye

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

not a trace of the sun - but i don't even run from rain.

being back in Arnprior has taught me one thing.

max left more of a mark than i would like to admit.

i'm constantly reminded of the things he said and did,

and how he turned out to be the king of all douchebags.

and the whole thing makes me so incredibly grateful for Michael.


i've found someone who listens without trying to fix me.

who laughs with me without ever patronizing me.

who finds joy in my joys, and sorrow in my hardships.

who doesn't wish i was better at the things he is good at.

who loves my friends, and understands i'm a strong independent person. 

who accepts my history and baggage without making assumptions of what that will mean for our relationship.

who isn't trying to turn me into his ideal woman, but who is seeing me as a unique and ideal creation of God.


I'm not saying Max, or Daniel, or Kevin didn't do any of those things,

but I didn't realize someone out there could be all of those things.


Max - showed me a glimpse of how i deserved to be treated at first, but you showed your true colours at the end.

Kevin at least owned up to the fact that I wasn't right for him, so he really didn't do anything wrong, and not only do I have incredible respect for him, but I wish him all the best with the lovely and wonderful woman he has found. 

Daniel, someday I hope you learn to love someone so wholly that you can be two strong independent people. That just wasn't in our cards, we were young and foolish. All the best. 


I like to think Michael will be in my life for a long time. But, there are never any guarantees, and five months is a long time to date from opposite sides of the country. No matter what our outcome is, I've learned an incredible amount in the month we've shared. I'm a lucky girl. 

I guess because I never really got this love growing up, it's coming as such a shock to me. All my years of conditioning that men will always disrespect women, that I am unlovable and that I shouldn't expect gentleness and compassion from the men in my life is wearing off, and turning into a beautiful relationship with one of the best guys i've ever met.

be careful with my heart michael.

- ella faye

Monday, 12 September 2011

i wanna hold you in my arms.

i'm baaaaaccckkkkkk

right back where this whole thing started,

my L'Arche home.

Mostly the same - but a new addition, Keira.

along with all the same joys of being here, the same stressors, in fact, perhaps more so, still surround me.

but, it feels good, i feel good.

with Michael standing behind me (behind me being on the other side of the country, but still a great support system), and some great co-workers (yeah you Scott), I know I can survive another four months here.

I'd forgotten the simplicity of life with the folks, and the beauty of how they perceive things.

we had retreat this past weekend, where we took all our folks to a retreat centre for the night to take a mini vacation.

it was beautiful,

I was sitting with Barrie, a coremember from Max's old house, and some other folks and assistants on Sunday morning, and they were talking about some of the core-members who had moved on from L'Arche to either nursing homes or who'd passes away.

Barrie, an endearing man who has a habit of repeating things, was talking about a friend who had passed on.

"He passed on, he passed away, that guy? he passed away."

and then he goes,

"he's in a box now."

the look on poor Keira's face was precious. death is sacred and taboo for her, and the idea of calling a coffin a box was mortifying for the dear lady.

I'd forgotten the little things like this, that just make me do anything to hold in my laughter.

Barrie was right, he is in a box now, but Keira immediately corrected him and explained for people, it was called a coffin.

how silly right?! why do we need a special name for the box we get buried in? it's no secret what it is! aha, i just had to laugh at how straight forward the folks can be sometimes.

it's good to be back.

i'm sure i'll have many stories to tell in coming days,

i mean, the pee chair is still here, and i have some unfinished business with it.

- ella faye