and sometime soon after that, you'll see me come crawling back.

i feel like the essence of who i am is lost in the crazy that is life here.

the videos i've been posting have been me, trying with all i have, to capture the moment's where i am alive again. where i am reminded why i'm here.

but i feel like.

i'm just a girl who max didn't care enough about to stay loyal and close.

who's father hit her.

who dated the wrong guy for way to long, and let him push her too far.

who's mother is trying to buy her affection because she knows her new boyfriend trumps all us kids.

who, frankly, is a result of my mom marrying the wrong man.

and who can't be consoled by anyone here in this isolated, and lonely place.

only one more week. 

my heart aches for home right now.

it's been a long four months, but i'm reminded in the simple moments as i'm dancing with marian or talking hockey with doug, that life is beautiful, and that my purpose is much greater than i understand.

- ella faye

and it was just like the sun.

the undertow creeps in slow.

you were the best i didn't know i didn't have.

are we gonna do this, or what?

i feel like i just might as well admit that i have fallen completely head over heels with mystery boy michael.

the whimsical attitude i had about him when i wrote that first letter to him months ago still swells in my heart.

i just never thought i'd have this connection to someone. i miss him more than i knew possible.

and now i have to be back here at work.

with my stupid coworker sam. but she's actually been a lot better since i've been back this time. maybe she hates me as much as i hate her and so a week apart just refreshed her.

i don't know.

but being here is like, a constant reminder of sadness.

daniel and i broke up for real while i was here last time. i regretted that choice for a long time, and even though now I am happy about the outcome, as it lead me to Michael, i remember lying on my bed in tears trying to hang on to something i had let go of.

and then all that heartbreak with max. i don't know if i ever told you all, but he made out with the other assistant at his house while we were dating, and that really broke my heart. I felt like i'd given up Daniel stupidly, but then found renewal with Max, only to see he didn't really treat me all that well anyways.

and i moved here shortly after my dad died, i grieved here. Spent his first birthday since his passing here.   Spent the first anniversary of his death here (because Sam didn't want to give up Thanksgiving weekend off too).

this house is just filled with heartache for me. and now it's the constant reminder that I live on the other side of the country from my wonderful boyfriend.

it's no wonder i'm so full of sorrow here.
but only like, three more weeks until I can leave this house.

i love the folks, they bring me joy, but the sadness in my heart just wins.

being back in Residence will bring back my joy, i promise.

as if you could not fall in love with this backdrop.
calgary.2011

- ella faye

are you gonna kiss me or not?

i am crazy about michael.

i was so worried four months ago that i had just conjured up all his awesome in my head, but he still continues to amaze me every single day.

he is patient with me, he makes me laugh, and he comes up with the most amazing date ideas.

and although his parents are struggling with letting him be grown up, i think deep down they do like me.

i'm not even kidding, i'm the luckiest girl in the world.

and although im miserable back on the job for a full 14 hours.

in 40 days i will be back in waterloo with the man i love and the friends i long for.

my world feels at bay today.

- ella faye

i'm not bitter, but i've had better days.

here is a list of things that i now look for in a future partner after living with sam, my awful coworker:

1. someone who shares the housework. i'm sick of cleaning while someone sits their ass in front of the food network all day.

2. someone who gives me the benefit of doubt - just because something is broken, doesn't mean i broke it.

3. someone who keeps me company - instead of doing the minimal amount of work possible and then disappearing to their room.

4. someone who enjoys my baking - i make delicious cookies, even if you only ate one i'd be a happy lady.

5. someone who gives me a break sometimes when i'm having a rough day.

6. someone who doesn't make me feel abandoned.

7. someone to support me emotionally, sometimes i just need to talk things out.

i don't think i'm asking too much.

i've got what i need, just on the other side of the country.

i'm feeling jaded today. two days in a row, she's bailed on me, leaving me to take over the majority of the chores and handling the house along. she just came off of vacation, and i've been working two months straight!

oh well, only two more sleeps till i'll finally be reunited with my love.

- ella faye

i'm a ghost, haunting these halls.

sometimes it's time for me to flashback to highschool.

today was that time apparently.

we were hanging pictures in the house, after coming across a few boxes of pictures of the folks from a long time ago. along with them, is this picture of Jean Vanier.

Vanier created L'Arche, and i've noticed people in L'Arche quote his books like the bible. It's actually a little uncomfortable, because to me, Vanier isn't God, and it's weird that he's kind of treated that way. But anyways, this picture is supposed to be up in the house.

we looked around the house and found an ideal location, because it would be kind of out of the way where people wouldn't have to really see it, but leadership would be able to see it and be happy that we had put it up.

unfortunately, I had to hang over the edge of a ledge to hang it.

flashback to grade 9 hanging lights in the caf with Court and Katherine. Hanging over the ledge of the cherry picker, and hoping to God that none of the teachers came in and saw, because otherwise I'd have to come down, and move the cherry picker, when if i just took a little risk, i could totally hang that light.

or, climbing up our sketchville ladder to hang on the teasers, and being yelled at by the VP.

or whatever, whatever i ended up doing with crew.

i miss that. the team, who all spent a weird amount of time together.

taking risks and staying at the school till all hours of the night.

and even though i really kind of hate it here, sometimes i'm reminded that I will always be crazy old me, and that can be a great thing, no matter where i am.

- ella faye

fly away with me (you've got just what i need)

by some miracle, i ended up with the best roommate ever in second year.

ainsley is just the sweetest, most considerate and caring, and overall most well-rounded person i have ever met.

we had skype chats today, and it was just what i needed.

i'm not alone here.

i might be severely lacking sleep, sick, and bullied here,

but, i have such an amazing support system.

.

thank you ainsley for bringing peace to my heart.

thank you jeff z. for bringing laughter to my soul.

.

thank you mom for bringing calm to my crazy.

thank you bryan and jared for bringing silliness to my moments off adult.

.

thank you hin for bringing sanity to my mind.

thank you nathan for bringing craziness to my life.

.

thank you michael for bringing support in everything.

<3

- ella faye

you and i are painting pictures in the sky.

when i think everything around me is crashing down,

he calms my storm.

needless to say, i feel a lot better.

eight days.

which is well needed.

i'm so sick of cleaning poop out from people's finger nails.

it sounds like such an easy task,

but seriously, try getting someone who hates water to soak there hands, and who hates when you touch their fingers to hold still while you clean there nails.

l'arche assistant problemmssssss.

right now, i just fight with a damp cloth. but seriously, it's a sight to see!

me: jay, give me your hand!

jay: NOOOOOOOOO *swats me away*

me: jay, seriously, no one will want to hold your hand if you have poop in your nails,

jay: NOOOOOOOOOOO. *swats me away*

and this continues for like, 20 minutes,

and then, when its done, and he's tried to hit me and push me away,

he looks up at me with his sweet blue eyes and says

"are you okay bebebebbee?"

and it just melts my heart all over again.

my love for him is so deep, i don't even have words for it.

even though i havent touched my essay yet today,

it's a good day

- ella faye

p.s. www.mobro.co/michaeljerome 

seriously, do it.

what am i gonna do?

ain't no use defending words that you will never say.

don't get me wrong,

i'm genuinely happy in my relationship.

but, today i feel a little in over my head.

you know, sometimes, even though you pretty much spend every day with someone for four months,

you start to realize that maybe you don't really know them at all.

i don't want to question my own values to feel comfortable with his,

but i also don't want to be the person who passes something up because of something that shouldn't be a big deal at all.

i have awful timing.

i'm getting on a plane to see him in nine days.

and all i want to do is take a minute to think things through. have i been being foolish this whole time? or am i being foolish now?

with me, it's really a 50-50 shot.

- ella faye

patient anticipation

ten days.

in ten days, i will hopefully be finished this damn essay that really makes no sense to me.

and away from my stupid coworker,

and also away from the hardheaded coremembers that i've been clashing with.

and i will be back in the arms of my wonderful boyfriend.

and for a whole week, dispensing meds, missing finances and staff drama will sink to the back of my mind, and i can just enjoy the company i long for so much.

i never thought that coming back here would make me so miserable!

but i'm still learning lessons.

i mean, being here has taught me how much i appreciate my loved ones, and how much i've taken my experiences for granted.

i thought things always just worked out in the long run, and they will in time, but this term, i would say, coop has not worked out for me in the long run.

but im starting to find myself in good spirits again.

in ten days, the man i might be falling in love with will be next to me. and i'll be reminded that someone out there values me.

some things you just need to tough on through.

- ella faye

what is the use of holding back on this much?

i really shouldn't be here blogging,

but leave it to an essay that i must finish by tomorrow to encourage me to post once again.

i find that a lot has been crashing down around me.

i'm tired and lonely here, and it's not getting better. i'm stressed about getting this paper, and the next one done, before my trip out west. and my body is just over it. i'm weak and sore all the time.

also, i'm broke, aha. i've spent the little i had to spare on this wild trip to see michael in calgary. it's a sad day when you call your mom and ask her to mail you a razor because you can't shave your legs because you just can't afford to.

and mom has been so great. she has been such an amazing support, and has backed me 100%. and i'm so, so thankful for her.

but i don't know how i'd be getting by this term without my wonderful man.

you know, ever girl dreams of the guy who will do everything he can to sweep her off her feet. send her chocolates in the mail. write her the most beautiful and eloquent love letters. tell her all the things she wants to hear (and actually mean it!)

and i might have ended up with him.

now, some months down the road i'll likely be blogging about how much of a douchebag he is for breaking my heart, or how he played me all along, or how he's secretly a wanted drug dealer or something, because no one, and no relationship, is this great.

but for now, i'm enjoying every single moment. and, the most i invest now, the more ammo i will have to write epic and amazing hate blogs if he breaks my heart. so really, it's win win for you readers.

i hope you really see my effort to be posting more. i know it's not much, and my posts are subpar, but i've really got to start somewhere, right?

now go invest in something risky, it'll make a good story.

**however, please keep in mind, I will not be help accountable for the loss of money, broken hearts or any other negative consequences to following my advice.

- ella faye

such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun.

in all the heartache and sorrow that i am living here right now,

i really do find moments of pure innocence and joy.

like today, when we decided that Jay, or Jerry, or Michael Jerome, should be participating in Movember.

with blessings from his family, we started a mospace for him.

through all my tears, loneliness and misery,

i'm helping someone make a difference, who couldn't otherwise.

this little man holds such a huge part of my heart. he warms my heart so thoroughly.

so please, check out his mospace. donate, or leave a comment.

you're not only helping a great cause and encouraging a sweet man, you'll also help add that little bit of joy that keeps me going here.

you rock.

http://mobro.co/michaeljerome

- ella faye

whoa, i'm waiting for the breakdown.

i'm so sorry i haven't been blogging.

truth is, i'm so miserable here this time. i look back at my joys and excitement of the last time i lived here bring even more sorrow to my heart when i just can not seem to find the same light heart i lived before.

i thought that maybe, with my strict house leader gone things might be even better this time. i thought it would be my dream job,

but all that has happened as no one has been keeping my miserable, mean and awful coworker at bay. she's mean to me all the time. nothing i ever do here is right. and even though i do so much laundry, cleaning and care, it goes unnoticed over how anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault.

i find myself on the verge of tears on a regular basis at work. doing all i can to hold up a strong front for the folks. i want to come to you with stories, but at the end up the day, i just want to curl up in my bed and head to my safe sleepland where I can escape the misery I have to live here.

it seems no one has the guts to stand up to her, and I certainly don't. she would just victimize me more, making life here unbearable. so I'm just going to keep trekking on.

I really love the folks so much. I love caring for them, and I love the actual work aspect of my job, but its hard when I'm only every being told my flaws.

I can't wait to visit Michael in Calgary and just be in his arms. To remember what it's like to be around someone who truly values me.

Only two more months till I'm back at school, please don't give up on me!

- ella faye

so why you looking so nervous? you know you're gonna deserve this.

it's evident that more than just the pee chair had not been cleaned since i left in April.

today, I surrendered to the pee chair.

i accept that no matter how many lysol wipes, no matter how much scrubbing and no matter how much fiddling with that zipper, that pee chair will be eternally dirty.

i sprayed her down intensely with lysol today, and man did she ever need it! i could pretty much hear it's screams in terror as it shed it's grimy skin. And yet, when I wiped her down again later it was as though we'd never had that previous encounter. i'm pretty sure the chair actually produces it's own grime!

but then, i had to take on a new challenge.

rumour had it around town there was a new source of disgust in town - the washing machine.

in a house with eight people, and a fair share incontinence, the washing machine is a happening joint in this town. the party usually starts around 8am with wake up and goes nonstop until till we hit the hay around 8 in the eveningtime.

so the buzz spread quickly when folks heard i was going to challenge this washer to a cleanliness duel.

i prepared myself for the worst; sloppy clothes, protective gloves, lysol in multiple forms and a full roll of paper towel. but i could never have been prepared enough for the challenge that lay ahead.

you see, a front loading washer like the one here, has a rubber ring around the front, to help seal the washer door closed. but, ladies and gents, water gets into the creases of such rubber ring. and sits there, and turns itself into a substance much like the way i would imagine a pokemon like Grimer to be made out of. A dark, slimy, stench filled sludge. blechh.

i scrubbed as much as i could between gags. and had a variety of weird flashbacks to a variety of previous pee chair incidents - but i kept fighting.

i did my best. i cleaned with all i had in me. and for now, i think i'm in control, we'll see how my work holds up.

it's hard, but i'm doing my best to look up today.

- ella faye

baby, please come home.

i am so lonely here.

as i sit here enjoying Cake Walk wayyy too much on my Saturday night,

my heart still aches.

i know i've been the worst blogger ever, i keep saying i'm getting out of the slumps but then not following through on my promise to improve my blogging,

but I keep just finding myself here.

sitting alone in my living room.

and feeling so, so alone.

i want more than anything to be able to crawl into my boyfriends arms and be held,
or to meet up with a friend for coffee,
or to walk up to loft to play a game of euchre.

i feel like i've taken having friends close to me for advantage my whole life.

even last term, i had max and florian. when I just needed to vent and cry or drink (don't judge until you've done this job aha) i had someone close. I know I have Scott here, and he's great, but we're at different places in life, and i'm just a passing thing. I dont know, it just doesn't feel the same I guess.

it's hard too because i don't always want to express how i feel. when michael is out with his friends, and asks how my night is going, I don't want to be like "miserable, I'm sitting here crying watching crappy reality television and eating celery sticks." No one likes a miserable texter. But hourly updates about how much fun he is having with the guys is only fuelling my loneliness fire.

sidebar: i've gone from cake walk to Jersey Shore with french voiceovers. I'm actually ashamed of myself right now.

the amount i would give to flash back and crawl into my residence bed knowing i was in a building full of people who love and support me is unreal.

i'm working on it, i am, thank you for your patience.

- ella faye

how sweet it is.

i'm so sorry that i'm so fail at blogging these days,

having a real life has done that to me i suppose.

i'm tired all the time at work too, i don't know why, but i can hardly stay awake come the evening.

this week i had to cut out leaves.

like, seriously, a hundred leaves.

i hate cutting out detailed things.

i hate cutting out anything really,

my hands actually swell up when i use scissors. i get grouchy and short tempered, it's not a good scene.

but here i was, sitting with Jane and cutting out leaves for two freaking hours.

but you know what?

it wasn't so bad.

i've been having a rougher time these days,

my heart is heavy missing the close support of my friends (and Michael) from school.

i feel left out of all that is happening at the Residence while I waste away in the little no name town that i live it.

but just simply sitting with Jane and listening to her tell me stories about her week, laughing at when I make a mistake and listening to some quiet music was so innocent and beautiful.

i love finding joy in the mundane things of life like that.

awesome.

- ella faye

in the evening, you can catch me daydreaming.

there is something awesome about food.

food is a social thing, it brings people together, it gives us nutrition, it causes some of us anxiety and others peace.

L'Arche is often centred around the table, around dinner, around food.

it's a simple concept really, since everyone in the house is out and about doing different things so often.

today i really got that.

i was making lunch for Jay, myself and my house leader Marie. Normally we just throw together sandwiches and part ways, but today i was feeling adventurous and made a lovely pasta sauce for us.

i haven't eaten lunch with any of the folks in a long time, since usually that's my only time off in the day, but today i took the time just to sit with him and my wonderful boss Marie.

i couldn't tell you what we talked about, or the silly things Jay said - which he has a tendency to do. but i can tell you i'd forgotten how much I really really love being here.

i'd been feeling so stressed and worn thin, but this meal made it up. i remember why i'm back.

and i'm back.

hopefully i'll be able to enlighten you again soon with the silly stories of my life here. i'd been a little lost, but some pasta fixed that.

get ready, life is crazy.

this is how we did shared meal time at school

- ella faye

dance with me darling, the night is falling.

i'm sitting in my kitchen,

with my momma and james, and we've all maybe had one glass of wine too many.

and life is beautiful.

today I drove Anne from our house to her sister's city.

three hours of me, and the core member i struggle with the most.

Anne and I have always clashed. I find her attention seeking behaviours extremely frustrating, and as a result, I tend to be shorter with her than I should be.

but something about checking my rearview mirror and seeing her there sleeping in the back seat just melted my heart.

i never thought i loved her, but evidently i do.

for the first time in my life, i'm realizing how much i adore the people in my life.

i'm realizing how happy i am to have the life that i do, even with my struggles.

things with michael have been so wonderful. in fact, i'm going to fly to calgary to see him in november.

i feel vulnerable, and scared, and happy.

i feel like i love the people around me,

and that i'm loved by them.

-

beauty is in innocence,

and beauty is in accepting moments of shame.

-

beauty is both in laughter and tears.

-

beauty is in the first light of day,

and the first star to appear in the night sky.

-

beauty is in my brothers playing video games,

and my mother holding hands with her new love.

-

beauty is in clothes that don't fit anymore,

and a brand new pair of shoes.

-

start noticing it.

- ella faye

you're not where you belong.

lookie who is is comin', who? (you've got that somethin')

sorry that i suck at blogging these days,

i haven't been feeling as inspired as i used to be.

i don't know why, i still love the folks, and i still see quirks in my everyday life, but for some reason it seems to be getting lost in all the stress and craziness of the house.

but i'm going to try harder, I promise

(and at least I'm still doing better than you Em! aha)

but I did realize some hilarity in my life today,

in the form of my hickville dirt next door neighbours.

the neighbours i called the cops on when they were setting off fireworks on their front lawn underneath the phone lines.

or the neighbours that brought me an incredible amount of laughter when I got to play "how many cars do the next door neighbours actually have" last spring when the snow melted and revealed more and more hidden automobiles.

and then, last week, I drove by to see one of the children (no one is really confident how many children actually live here) on the front lawn naked climbing into one of the unusable vehicles. I might have peed myself a little I was laughing so hard, does this 13 year old kid have no pride?!

well anyways, last spring I counted 9 vehicles on their property, and this year there is less, around 5. However, a new, significantly more beat up vehicle has now made it on to the lot.

and yet, i see the dad working on this piece of junk all the time! the front is wrecked, the driver's door has been replaced and the rear bumper is a piece of abstract art, so of all the vehicles for my crazy neighbour to try and make work, why would he pick this one?

but it occurred to me was i was sitting on the couch in the living room after dinner today.

that car needs the most care - he doesn't see them as simple stupid wastes of time like I might, they're his projects, and this one needs the most attention right now.

aren't we all kind of like that?

sometimes i look at my life and think, i've been that junker, the big waste of time.

growing up being told you're useless and not worth it gets to you, and then add being hit and thrown around a bit and you've got quite the fragile young girl.

but people took the time for me, and helped fixed me up. made me the stronger and independent woman that i am today.

I don't know why people chose to invest in me, when it would have been way easier to brush me aside and take the time on people with more evident potential,

but i'm thankful that they did.

so, you go for it awkward redneck neighbour next door.

you fix that car!

- ella faye

the sun, the moon, and all their light.

Anne didn't have a great week.

I mean, she's getting older, and her life is super busy,

and she hurt her hip on Thursday and Friday she was the queen of grouch.

Sometimes life is not fair. When you are tired, lonely. lost and frustrated, the punches continue to get thrown.

There has been a lot of changes in the house, with Jay's needs changing, the staff is tired, worn down and the folks aren't all getting the same one on one attention that they used too.

Anne's life is in transition, and she didn't need a sore hip to add to the chaos.

 -

I can connect with her. Because my life is in transition right now too. Im lonely, I miss having Michael, Miguel, Kassym, Shale, Chris, Janice, Elizabeth and Trevor at a stones throw. I miss being able to walk upstairs and as for a hug when my heart is aching. I miss being able to drive home when life gets to be too much. I miss having someone to laugh with all the time.

I'm trying to be so strong here, but sometimes I feel like it was foolish to come back.

The amount I'd give to be able to play a game of euchre, or hold Michael's hand right now is ridiculous.

But, last night when I was reflecting on the week with Anne, she said she was happy.

she didn't know why, but she was.

I almost cried! I see a million reasons for her to be upset, and angry. I wouldn't blame her for a single second!

But, it was all forgotten, and she only recalled the highlights of her week.

I want to live like that. I try, but I can always improve.

I wish I could capture her beauty and innocence in that moment for you to really see an understand.

Life and L'Arche are beautiful.

- ella faye

heaven sent a hurricane.

i have some more confessions.

- 

sometimes, i wake up crying of happiness because everything just feels so right.

and sometimes i wake with a sorrowful heart, and have to choose to smile through it.

- 

sometimes,  i eavesdrop on people in starbucks,

because it reminds me how small i really am in this world, 

and how big God is to be aware of it all.

- 

sometimes i act like i think i'm the most beautiful girl in the room,

because it's nice to think someone thinks that, even if it has to be me.

- 

sometimes i go to my room and cry after hugging all my core-members good night,

because i know one of them doesn't remember me each morning, and it breaks my heart.

- 

sometimes I go to a shoe store and find the ugliest pair of shoes I can to try on,

because I think it's hilarious when the salespeople try and tell me they look great and they're a super popular shoe.

-

sometimes i just want to get married and settle down,

and sometimes just the idea of that scares the hell out of me.

- 

sometimes i whisper my true feelings about people while I lay in bed at night,

because I've convinced myself that somehow someday it will get to them and they'll understand me better.

-

sometimes I would go to a specific yoga class to get that super hot instructor,

but then I would avoid him like the plague the entire class.

- 

sometimes I seriously consider applying for the bachelor,

because I feel like it would be an awesome story for my kids (sorry michael, aha).

-

sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to joy I have in life

but I'm sure as heck happy I have it.

-

i am so, so blessed.

- ella faye

not a trace of the sun - but i don't even run from rain.

being back in Arnprior has taught me one thing.

max left more of a mark than i would like to admit.

i'm constantly reminded of the things he said and did,

and how he turned out to be the king of all douchebags.

and the whole thing makes me so incredibly grateful for Michael.

-

i've found someone who listens without trying to fix me.

who laughs with me without ever patronizing me.

who finds joy in my joys, and sorrow in my hardships.

who doesn't wish i was better at the things he is good at.

who loves my friends, and understands i'm a strong independent person. 

who accepts my history and baggage without making assumptions of what that will mean for our relationship.

who isn't trying to turn me into his ideal woman, but who is seeing me as a unique and ideal creation of God.

-

I'm not saying Max, or Daniel, or Kevin didn't do any of those things,

but I didn't realize someone out there could be all of those things.

-

Max - showed me a glimpse of how i deserved to be treated at first, but you showed your true colours at the end.

Kevin at least owned up to the fact that I wasn't right for him, so he really didn't do anything wrong, and not only do I have incredible respect for him, but I wish him all the best with the lovely and wonderful woman he has found. 

Daniel, someday I hope you learn to love someone so wholly that you can be two strong independent people. That just wasn't in our cards, we were young and foolish. All the best. 

-

I like to think Michael will be in my life for a long time. But, there are never any guarantees, and five months is a long time to date from opposite sides of the country. No matter what our outcome is, I've learned an incredible amount in the month we've shared. I'm a lucky girl. 

I guess because I never really got this love growing up, it's coming as such a shock to me. All my years of conditioning that men will always disrespect women, that I am unlovable and that I shouldn't expect gentleness and compassion from the men in my life is wearing off, and turning into a beautiful relationship with one of the best guys i've ever met.

be careful with my heart michael.

- ella faye

i wanna hold you in my arms.

i'm baaaaaccckkkkkk

right back where this whole thing started,

my L'Arche home.

Mostly the same - but a new addition, Keira.


along with all the same joys of being here, the same stressors, in fact, perhaps more so, still surround me.

but, it feels good, i feel good.

with Michael standing behind me (behind me being on the other side of the country, but still a great support system), and some great co-workers (yeah you Scott), I know I can survive another four months here.

I'd forgotten the simplicity of life with the folks, and the beauty of how they perceive things.

we had retreat this past weekend, where we took all our folks to a retreat centre for the night to take a mini vacation.

it was beautiful,

I was sitting with Barrie, a coremember from Max's old house, and some other folks and assistants on Sunday morning, and they were talking about some of the core-members who had moved on from L'Arche to either nursing homes or who'd passes away.

Barrie, an endearing man who has a habit of repeating things, was talking about a friend who had passed on.

"He passed on, he passed away, that guy? he passed away."

and then he goes,

"he's in a box now."

the look on poor Keira's face was precious. death is sacred and taboo for her, and the idea of calling a coffin a box was mortifying for the dear lady.

I'd forgotten the little things like this, that just make me do anything to hold in my laughter.

Barrie was right, he is in a box now, but Keira immediately corrected him and explained for people, it was called a coffin.

how silly right?! why do we need a special name for the box we get buried in? it's no secret what it is! aha, i just had to laugh at how straight forward the folks can be sometimes.

it's good to be back.

i'm sure i'll have many stories to tell in coming days,

i mean, the pee chair is still here, and i have some unfinished business with it.



- ella faye

beneath sheets of paper lies my truth.

today i moved back into residence for a week.

i love this place - but it doesn't feel the same right now.

maybe it's the lack of sarah, or trevor or mike - you know? that support system? that calm place? i feel like a stranger in the building that was home only two weeks ago.

but, i'm meeting new wonderful people.

alison is a sweetheart, she is the other don for my floor, because I will be back at L'Arche in the fall. she helped me prepare for my session and she just seem fun.

and andrew is wild. i swear i'm always laughing when he's around, and he was friends with mike in the fall term, so i have that connection, you know?

jason has a heart wrenching story. he exudes strength and wisdom, and even though he might be frail, he makes me feel safe.

caitlyn is genuine and lovely. i can't exactly describe her, but i would want to say she's bright.  she has a magnetic quality that makes you feel good when she's in the room.

it's just another page. another journey.

i'm happy. i'm strong. and although i'm out of my comfort zone - i can make the best of this.

who knows - someone here might be my new safe.

- ella faye

don't let the sun be the one to change you baby (i wanna learn how to love)

thank you mom for teaching me to be strong and independent.

thanks dad for making me a critical thinker.

thank you ms. eales for the lessons in acceptance and equality,

and thank you jeff for showing me some people really can give me a fresh start.

thank you bryan for the practice in patience and understanding,

and thank you jared for keeping me a kid at heart.

-

thank you daniel for helping me learn to make tough decisions.

thank you nick for showing me what unconditional love is.

thank you kevin for revealing to me how tough i really am,

and thank you nathan for showing me it's okay to not always get what i want.

thanks sam for being an example of a stable, godly man.

thank you brandon for the lesson in mending burnt bridges.

thanks max for teaching to be realistic about who cares about my heart,

and special thanks to michael for reminding me how beautiful life is.

-

thank you tamara for letting me expose my innermost thoughts to someone.

thank you emma for being a voice of reason.

thanks courtney for teaching me to stand up for myself,

and thank you heidi for all your wisdom and time.

thank you ainsley for being an example of a true, genuine heart.

thank you jeffrey for understanding my frustration - even when no one else did.

thank you nzinga for showing me i'm always loveable.

thank you sarah for letting me trust,

and thank you keegan for teaching me to not give up.

-

i am blessed.

- ella faye

got the radio on, my old bluejeans and i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.

i know yesterday i was feeling all great and happy and light hearted,

but today i feel insecure and vulnerable.

it's weird for me, since so often i'm the queen of cocky, but i can't seem to help it today.

did i mindlessly rush into something?

do i know him as well as i should?

am i being foolish to believe this is going to work?

i had a conversation with daniel earlier this week, and i think a lot of my concerns are triggered from some of the things he said - and i thought they would just go away completely when mike got back and things settled, and yet i still feel vulnerable.

when i dated daniel, i knew he was never going to really leave me. i don't know why i knew that, i just did, i knew i would be the one to end things. it made the relationship seem so safe and secure, and i think that is large part of why i kept asking for him back.

i don't want my relationship with mike to be like my relationship with daniel was. i want it to work, but it's hard. it's hard to commit as whole-heartedly as i want when i'm so afraid of being hurt.

i know i'm being silly and overemotional. mike seems committed to this. he knows what he signed up for. he's just not one of those people who always expresses how he feels.

i need to write that out on the chalkboard like lines in elementary school.

in other news, i bought the "Snuggie Sutra" at Urban Outfitters this weekend.

as i told my brother - "just because i'm not having sex doesn't mean when i do, it shouldn't include my snuggies."

- ella faye

your love is the best sound i have ever heard.

sorry that i suck at writing in transition times in my life.

it was the same between L'Arche and school, and now it's the opposite.

i got a new car to replace the lovely Golddigger, but i will dedicate a whole post to my dearest Romeo soon, I need to get to know him a little better before i can write a post that will do him justice.

i just felt like i should give you a good old update on what is happening in my life,

things are still awesome with mike i'm pretty sure. :) he was away for a week, and i did the whole "anxious, he's going to dump me upon return" thing for a few days, but im mostly over it now, he's back, hasn't dumped me so far, and if he does, it's his loss because i rock.

in other news, i've decided for the most part, my little brother bryan is a legitimate person and we might even be friends if we weren't siblings and were closer in age. don't tell him i told you this, because that would ruin my awesome "im too cool for you" facade i pull with my brothers, but it's true. he might even be cooler if i remotely approved of his girlfriend, but he'll have to learn that lesson on his own (again i might add).

so with a combination of bryan being almost  remotely cool, my awesome sweet boyfriend, my cutie other little brother and my awesome male don team from the summer (Bjarnes, Trevor (Troy?) and the good old boss Jeff), i might not actually hate men anymore.

for the amount of time i've spent hating on guys in this blog - this is quite the revelation.

it came to me the other night when I was at a friend's house for a sort of reunion type thing. i just had a great time. it was innocent, and fun, and just perfect. i've been waiting for some easy, some nice, some great. everything is good.  i'm just so happy with where things are at right now.

i know things won't stay like this forever, but im going to soak up every moment while i can.

- ella faye

lord, make me a rainbow.

sorry i havent written in so long, moving does this to me.

also, i was watching "Hoarders: Buried Alive" a couple days ago and had minor crisis,

i'm pretty sure i'm a hoarder.

i hope dear mike doesn't see this and decide i'm crazy!

but seriously, my room at home doesn't look much better than the houses these people live in!

so i decided to take on a challenge and unhoard my room, i've been throwing things out left, right and centre, and have so far in one morning filled one large black garbage bag of trash and one of clothes to donate. Seriously, I went from three drawers of tee shirts to one (but this does not include the clothes I brought home from school, which is another 3 suitcases worth of stuff.)

stuff is just stuff, i don't need so much of it!

wish me luck in my cleaning endeavours this week!

- ella faye

memories, like embers, keep us warm. you will leave me in the morning.

i guess i should tell you,

mystery boy, or mike, as i would generally refer to him as,

is now my boyfriend.

i know things moved fast, but we decided to take the plunge and DTR before he flew back to the other side of the country to do his work term for the the next four months.

it sucks that i finally get what i've been longing for for months, and then he up and leaves me here to miss him for the next term. but, i'm so happy. by officially labelling our relationship, we're going to have to work hard to make it work while he's away, and i think we will. he's so incredibly wonderful, i don't want to let this go anytime soon.

also, in res, we built an epic sand kingdom.

mike was a part of this, because he's awesome. it's nice to have so much fun with someone again.

so basically, that is what is new in my life. i'm super tired today, but i will write again soontimes.

sand kingdom building crew ftw.

- ella faye

life was on our tongues, and it tasted heavenly.

oh hey everyone.

i just have to say, this is my 100th post on this blog.

i never would have imagined back in march when I was looking for an outlet for my feelings and stories that i would create a journal read by people all over the world.

in fact, today so far, on it's own, i've had almost the same amount of hits as i did in the entire first month.

i laugh when i look at the feelings, thoughts and ideas that i had just a few months ago, and how much i've changed. also, i laugh when i realize the most commonly read posts are those to the elusive mystery boy, who managed to capture my heart is such a whole and unique way.

i smile to think of my beloved core members and how i'll be seeing them agains soon. I miss them, but i'm also really going to miss being here. I've had the best term, and met the most amazing people. This moving every four months does not fly with me!

i'm so thankful for this, for you and for my experiences.

thank you for taking time out of your day to care what i care about! i will keep enlightening you with the silly fun stories that make up my life, and i hope you will keep coming back to read them!

you rock an epic amount.

- ella faye

today was a fairytale - you were the prince.

mystery boy lived up to every expectation i had set and then some.

i don't have to worry about it having been a pity date, i can tell he's pretty into me too.

he took me mini golfing, which was super fun. I got 2 hole-in-ones because im a champion, but he still won, which is good, because i think i destroyed his pride once in residence when i beat him at Call of Duty.

we had some good talks, we both opened up a lot, which was nice. it's such a bummer this didn't happen until so close to the end of term.

he also took me on this awesome adventure. it's like, this online thing where people post where these hidden little things are and you can look up the coordinates and find them. it's like a for real treasure hunt, and there was one hidden on campus, it was the most fun.

everything about my night was perfect. i'm just amazed with him.

i unhate boys.

who would have thought.

- ella faye

you've really got me going this time.

i am not a particularly hairy person.

i have fine blonde hair, i can go almost a week without having to consider shaving my legs, and my eyebrows pretty much are as thin as they come naturally,

with the exception of those stupid stupid super fine random dark hairs that grow amidst my eyebrows.

like seriously?! wth?!

so, because i have that date tomorrow and i have to stay up till 2 am for rounds of the residence,

i decided to take on these little buggers.

i decided this was serious, none of this "cheapo tweezers" crap. I dug out my nice, quality tweezers that i keep in a hidden location because i lose tweezers like it's my job.

after a legit amount of pinched skin, one visit from trevor and half an episode of wipe out, i realized this was a hopeless cause.

time to break out the big leagues, facial wax.

i like to keep some on backup in case i ever have a moustache or eyebrow emergency.

i lather on that wax like it's bodywash after hot yoga, with perfect eyebrows in sight. afterall, eyebrows can make or break a date, right?

and, my brows have a great shape, better than they have all term as i've let them "run wild" for the term, which probably no one noticed but me because they are so measly to begin with, but those stupid little hairs are still there.

not.cool.

i mean, they're pretty much growing out of my eyelid! this is not natural!

please, if you have a solution to this issue, this would be a good time to share. i'm an eyebrow maintenance baby and need some guidance through this hard time.

this is seriously stuff man. screw my exam later today, i have eyebrows to maintain!

on a side note: i might need a jesus intervention on this exam. it's likely going to be pretty rough.

anyways, i hope you enjoyed this "for the most part non related to boys blogpost" back by popular demand.

check out those beautiful natural brows on 10 year old me!

- ella faye

he smiles, it's like the radio.

sometimes i'm pretty sure my life is like, the Truman Show.

That movie messed me up man.

everything is sorta falling into place - cold feet about mystery boy or not.

my term is coming to a close.

i'm happy.

i feel in control.

it's unfortunate that as soon as mystery boy becomes more of a chance, Daniel gets back in touch with me.

but he hasn't made up his mind, and so I can't wait around, you know?

plus, mystery boy makes me so happy, he's who i want a chance with right now anyways.

(side bar: i'm feeling less anxious about this whole thing than I was earlier this morning)

I just feel like everything is too good to be true, or too wild and crazy to even believe.

like seriously, a movie on my life would be freaking hilarious.

I drive a smashed up gold PT cruiser, I have the most dramatic romantic life, my family it nuts, and i say the dumbest things that always set me up to be insulted. I'm pretty sure I'd be te romantic comedy of the year.

My exciting life probably explains why you are reading this right now actually, aha.

but seriously, where do I get funding for this shit :P MTV would seriously profit off making me the new reality tv show on their network. I'm way cooler than Jersey Shore (Mad respect for Snooki though, also, I didn't mean to offend anyone with that comment).

Anyways, I'm off for more studytimes. One more day till I'm free from exams!

"Erotic Aerobics Night - Just a day in my life."

- ella faye

i heart ?

i'm getting cold feet about this whole mystery boy thing.

i'm not used to not being chased. does this all mean he's not that into me?

i don't want to get hurt, but i also don't want to miss a good opportunity.

why won't he give me some sort of sure fire sign that all is well? we haven't even discussed what's happening when/if we go out this weekend, is he avoiding solidifying plans on purpose.

ughhh.

i hate boys.

- ella faye

so petrified - i'm so scared to step into this ride.

i am more nervous for this date than i am for the exam i have that same day.

nothing has happened with him since then - we had a nice chat about random things yesterday, but nothing earth shaking.

he makes me nervous - who am i?!

this is so unlike me! i'm usually pretty calm and collected about boys. i've been on like, a million first dates (yes, i realize i'm exaggerating, but it's a pretty high number), but i don't know that i've ever wanted to impress someone so bad before.

i realize this isn't going to progress into anything, afterall, we go on our work terms in like, 2 weeks, and won't see each other for four months, and, I don't even know if he's that into me, he might be taking me on a pity date. I mean, afterall, I did have to lay everything on the line for him to ask me, he might have just done it to not hurt my feelings, which wouldn't have been that hurt if he said he wasn't into me, but he doesn't know that for sure.

and he's just such a nice guy. i sure hope this isn't some ploy to get off easy and not hurt me, because this would hurt me more.

right now, i'm the kind of girl i hate. i'm caught up in an idea, and i will likely get hurt, if not now, in a couple weeks. and i know i'm so cliche and lame to say he's worth it, but i'm going to stick by that statement. I've never really met someone like him, and I wouldn't want to say I passed up a great opportunity.

I'm stealing my friend Jeff's love motto - "Fall hard now and deal with heartbreak later"

it's scary. i'm nervous, anxious, terrified.

excited, giddy, happy.

i'm all over the map these days.

new risk-taking ella is insane. with the stress this is causing, i don't know if i can handle it! aha.

- ella faye

i shake and i smile, as you said...

so i grew a pair and told mystery boy how i feel.

i now have a date to be excited about this weekend.

i feel like a giddy ten year old. even if it never amounts to anything - i can no longer say i didn't try.

:)

- ella faye

silence reveals where we really are.

so this super cute, nice guy in my residence made a bet with me.

and for those of you who know me well, I don't lose bets (within reason).

i have to run 5km.

i might actually die before i win this, but i'm seriously going to try until my death. i hate losing that much.

i really, really hate running - a lot.

but, i am learning something,

the more i run, the closer i find myself drawing to God - how random!

i pump up my worship playlist (with the exception of this morning's run - which I did significantly worse at...) and just go for it, i think the idea of honouring God take the focus of my pain.

this dare is seriously enhancing my worship time - i know, it's nuts.

but it's pretty awesome. i might not win over mystery boy by improving my athleticism (although it is an ulterior motive), i might not lose all the extra weight i gained after my dad died (but it sure isn't hurting that goal), and i might not even win the dare, but I know i'm benefitting.

also, a girl in my program is running with me.  it's nice. she's someone i really wouldn't have guessed in first year i'd end up friends with - after, i'd never been drunk and they had messy monday - freaky fridays (or something along those lines, aha) on her residence floor. but she's pretty hilarious and awesome. and it even works out because although she's a significantly better runner, my legs are twice as long, so my slow pace works out for her.

silly mike doesn't even know how much i'm gaining from this dare. i'm pretty sure i'll win two fold (watching him come to my hot yoga class when I win will be one more benefit). it's funny how things work out like that sometimes, what a great couple of surprises.

now - studying for my exam on saturday. i love you all, but this blog might be the downfall of my marks this term :P

- ella faye

she takes my money - when i'm in need.

i have the most awesome car to ever exist on the face of this earth,

she is the Golddigger.

She is a 2002, Dream Cruiser 1. A special edition bright Gold version of the PT cruiser, that comes equipped with gold inlay in the leather seats, "Dream Cruiser" rims and a Grammy Nominees of 2001 CD in the CD player - including the ever so fabulous clean version of "The Real Slim Shady". This car is anyone's dream car.

I have a lot of fond memories in that car - cruising around whitby with the sunroof down and Courtney and Heidi belting along to Ke$ha with me, venturing into Montreal with Max and Florian, picking my drunk friends up at the beach only to be argued with about who's water bottle I brought with me, chats with Daniel driving to and from Waterloo. She is cherished and loved by many.

Unfortunately, late at night on Saturday July 23rd, some drunk, foolish hooligans decided the Golddigger was not worth the respect of just walking on by. They climbed on top of my car and jumped on the roof - caving it in. With $4500 of damage done to my beloved car, this seems to have overcome her, and she will be moving on to car heaven in the near future. I have decided to be a responsible mother, and I am donating her parts so she can save the lives of other cars around the world. Our loss with help make other car owners exceedingly happy with news that they can now be given a much needed car transplant.

She is in stable condition, and is still with me here in Waterloo. She is accepting visits from August 6th until she is put down - the date for this is still unknown. Thank you all for your support and condolences in this time, on behalf of the Golddigger herself, and the rest of our family, we are incredibly grateful for all your love and support.

She will be missed - but her legacy will live on.

- ella faye

and i'm not doing this alone.

i'm horribly terrified of bats.

i can handle snakes, spiders, dirt, power tools, fire pits, heights, vomit (and drunk people in general), no sleep, catty girls and a variety of other things,

but I can't do bats.

which is particularly interesting because the building in which I am a don, has a bat problem.

it's hard to be a good role model and take charge of a situation when the thing i am most terrified of is flying around my head and i'm doing everything i can not to pee my pants out of fear.

Fortunately, I've only had to handle a bat once this summer. And although the Incident Report expresses a casual tone of control and calmness, really, I screamed and cried while the guys I lived with chased down the bat, and finally, one resident (who i'm pretty sure is cool enough to have his own TV show) trapped it in a pillowcase with no problem - apparently he had a summer job once trapping animals - what a champ.

Bats are one of the many fears I've had to handle facing this term.

Rejection is another. People often ask me why I don't just ask mystery boy out - the answer? I'm scared. I'm a pretty embarrassing person afterall - sometimes i spit food out when I laugh at dinner, sometimes I fall on my face when just walking normally, sometimes my stories fail at being even remotely funny.

Failure is another. I'm being examined all the time as a Don, i'm scared to slip up and say the wrong thing. Am I around enough? Have I offended anyone? What if my reviews come back horrible and I lose my spot next term.

And Abandonment. Another reason I haven't asked mystery boy out - what if I lose his friendship. It's a new relationship, and it makes me happy. I don't want to take steps backwards. And the same thing with Daniel. I put my feelings on the line, and he still doesn't know, I feel like he's just leaving me out in the cold to wonder and soothe my aching heart.

But, let's bring it back to the bat. I'm not alone. Yeah, I'm scared, but I have good support around me. People who love and care about me. I'm so blessed.

I'm going to try and face my fears. I might keep Sarah and Mark on speed dial so I can call them in for backup if my heart gets broken - but I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to take risks and learn good lessons from that.

here I go.

- ella faye

this is how the story went. i met someone, by accident.

dear mystery boy,

i've had a stressful week, so this is a better time than ever for you to ask me on a date. seriously, what is taking you so long?!

I think we should get together just us, I'll teach you to love the pokemon card game as much as I do, and I'll make you laugh at my lame jokes. I know tea isn't necessarily your drink of choice, but I'm the queen of tea, so I'll find a tea you love. And everyone likes hot chocolate so that's a good back up - even in this weather.

I know just yesterday I blogged about wanting Daniel back, and I will be honest with that, but, I'm not going to wait for him forever, so now is a good time to sweep in and scoop me up. It might take me a while to give up the past, but i'm so ready for change and a fresh start. I long for my heart to not ache anymore, and perhaps this is exactly what I need.

I like going on walks, and picnics, and I like playing pool (even though I suck). I also like - shopping at thrift stores, dairy queen, live music of anykind, gelato and disney, in case you need date ideas. if you're too scared to ask me face to face, i'd even take a facebook date invite.

Give me a fresh start, something to look forward too. I promise I'm worth giving a shot. Yes, I snore and sleep talk, I trip a lot, I say "Up yours","Don't Judge me" and "This is true" way too often, I'm way worse than I'll admit at euchre, pokemon is super important to me, and I'm I a bit of a sketchy past, but I''m still awesome. I'm friggen hilarious, I make the most delicious cookies and I'm super understanding. I make a great friend, support and confidant. I hope you can overlook my flaws.

I'm great and you're great. Also, my boss Jeff thinks you're great. Just sayin'

You're running out of time. What is up with that?!

- ella faye

i'll be waiting for you, when you're ready, to love me again.

so sorry i haven't been on recently.

i had hell week at school.

then so much has happened.

honestly, i want to curl up in my bed and hide from the world - which i am doing right now.

daniel came for a night this weekend - i laid everything on the line, i want him to give me another chance. but also, he's changed, and i'm scared he's not the godly young man that i fell in love with anymore. it's the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, i just want to cry all of the time, it's pretty lame.

but in my heart, i want to give it another shot, i want to make him see we could be awesome together all over again. but, he can't make up his mind. it sucks.

he told me that being with me is like coming home, because we have such a special level of comfort and understanding, but i don't think he wants to come home anymore. and if he doesn't, i'll cry, but i think i'll be okay. i'll find someone else who "gets" me, makes me laugh, will drink tea by the fire with me and who will kiss my nose.

as if this wasn't sensory over load enough for me - max messaged me today. he asked how school was going, and how i'm doing. he apologized for "not living up to my expectations" while we were camping - is that an apology for unnecessarily dumping me? - and he told me he still considered me a good friend (the friend card - nice). seriously?

i did a bad thing when i left daniel and started dating max. max is a really great guy, but i gave up the man i loved more than i've ever loved anyone for him, and all i got was heartbreak twofold. is it wrong for me to think it's not fair that i have to re-deal with both of them again in one weekend?! seriously boys, did you co-ordinate this or something? frig.

i feel like i'm just going to stay single forever. i don't know if i am willing to make myself vulnerable again. nothing went as planned with daniel, i still love him, but do i love who he used to be instead of who he is now? and max broke my heart so much. and kevin before that.

this brings me to make note of how much i love my residence. if it wasn't for my residence, i swear, i'd have given up on men as a species, and probably would be considering dropping contact with every guy in my life who isn't in my bloodline. but last night, a midst my heavy heart and watering eyes, the boys made me laugh the whole evening away. we had a camp out in front of the building, and everything from pitching tents, to late night euchre, to "never have i ever", to roasted marshmallows, these guys make my heart happy. and even though i snored and sprawled out over everyone in tent, they all said they had a great time at the camp out. i don't know if i've ever had such great guy friends with no strings.  it's honestly just so great.

so, to conclude today - my heart is heavy and sad, because so much of my past hurt is coming into play this weekend, but, the awesome people around me are making it bearable. i'm going to choose to love everyday, even though i so often feel unloved.

- ella faye

don't you surrender anything.

my exboyfriend had a son today.

and i love this little boy dearly.

nick was my first love, and i let him go for rational reasons rather than emotional ones.

i just wanted to write a little letter for baby jaelen because i can't contain my happiness about his presence on this earth. what a beautiful little blessing.

-

jaelen,

i am not your parent, aunt, or grandma. i don't share any genes with you in fact.  i'm just a girl who once loved your father whole heartedly, and am super excited to see this part of his life develop.

you have been eagerly waited for. your dad has wanted you for as long as i can remember (which is a long, long time), and from what he tells me, you are even more precious and wonderful than he had ever imagined possible.

you look like him - which is silly because babies don't usually look like either parent they just look like little lumps, even though everyone says otherwise - but you actually do. i hope you have his heart of gold, his passion, his dedication and his great laugh too. your dad is a pretty cool guy, i must say.

 i don't really know your mom, but she sure is beautiful. and, since i know your dad is so great, i'm sure she rocks too. i know you will bring them happiness, joy, and just be generally awesome from today until forever.

here are my words of wisdom - grow up slowly, play always, have a faux-hawk at least once in your life - girls really like that (i don't understand it, but seriously, it's like hair magic), always remember that no one keeps their pride forever, so live with no shame as soon as you can, take risks, respect your parents, laugh at yourself, don't buy a gold car (try a neutral), when you love a girl make sure you write her love letters often, watch cartoons every saturday, learn to tie your shoes as soon as you can in case velcro goes out of grade 1 style, give everyone highfives, don't put everything in your mouth, chew on your toes lots because you'll lose that flexibility and most importantly, make you sure tell every single person you meet how awesome your dad's friend Ella is.

i can't wait to actually meet you. i'll teach you cool things like how to make fart sounds with your armpit and some awesome your momma jokes.

welcome to our world jaelen, i wish all the best for you.

happy birthday.

- ella faye