Wednesday, 27 July 2011

and i'm not doing this alone.

i'm horribly terrified of bats.

i can handle snakes, spiders, dirt, power tools, fire pits, heights, vomit (and drunk people in general), no sleep, catty girls and a variety of other things,

but I can't do bats.

which is particularly interesting because the building in which I am a don, has a bat problem.

it's hard to be a good role model and take charge of a situation when the thing i am most terrified of is flying around my head and i'm doing everything i can not to pee my pants out of fear.

Fortunately, I've only had to handle a bat once this summer. And although the Incident Report expresses a casual tone of control and calmness, really, I screamed and cried while the guys I lived with chased down the bat, and finally, one resident (who i'm pretty sure is cool enough to have his own TV show) trapped it in a pillowcase with no problem - apparently he had a summer job once trapping animals - what a champ.

Bats are one of the many fears I've had to handle facing this term.

Rejection is another. People often ask me why I don't just ask mystery boy out - the answer? I'm scared. I'm a pretty embarrassing person afterall - sometimes i spit food out when I laugh at dinner, sometimes I fall on my face when just walking normally, sometimes my stories fail at being even remotely funny.

Failure is another. I'm being examined all the time as a Don, i'm scared to slip up and say the wrong thing. Am I around enough? Have I offended anyone? What if my reviews come back horrible and I lose my spot next term.

And Abandonment. Another reason I haven't asked mystery boy out - what if I lose his friendship. It's a new relationship, and it makes me happy. I don't want to take steps backwards. And the same thing with Daniel. I put my feelings on the line, and he still doesn't know, I feel like he's just leaving me out in the cold to wonder and soothe my aching heart.

But, let's bring it back to the bat. I'm not alone. Yeah, I'm scared, but I have good support around me. People who love and care about me. I'm so blessed.

I'm going to try and face my fears. I might keep Sarah and Mark on speed dial so I can call them in for backup if my heart gets broken - but I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to take risks and learn good lessons from that.

here I go.

- ella faye

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