watch the stars, they're ours.

first thing is first,


michael and i worked everything out. that boy really is the love of my life, and he and i discussed ways to make sure i am not feeling abandoned. he really is the love of my life.

in other news, i'm going paintballing for the first time tomorrow, and I am scared shitless. let me tell you a list of things that i hate a lot.

1. Getting Hurt
2. Getting Sick
3. Being Slimy
4. Exercise
5. Creamed Corn
6. Blisters
7. When boys get super competitive and forget that I have feelings
8. Those creepy guys who stand around the outside of a dance floor at a club
9. Lasagna Night in the Caf

So obviously, Paintballing doesn't really appeal to me. Also, I'm poor. But at least it'll be an experience

So anyways, please pray your brain out that I survive the weekend. Also, since I abandoned homework all day because I was having an emotional day, so that also needs to happen.

bahhhhh. i'm so nervous.

I will make sure I fill you in about how my day goes tomorrow, assuming i make it through.

take care

- ella faye

so sing it out with me, and then let it go.

i am thankful for friends.

in the midst of my heart break and devastation, i have had the most amazing support systems.

i might be eating ridiculous amounts of junk food, but my heart ache is being consoled.

i might even add, that my friends are making sacrifices to make time for me when i am in a time of trial.

something that my boyfriend can not even accomplish these days.

my friend meg helped me clarify today that it's not that michael isn't trying to make time for me, it's that he's spreading himself too thin. michael can not let anyone down, but that let's me down.

it's not that it's i need him to make more breaks for me in his busy schedule, i need him to give some things up completely to make me a priority. i need him to give me freedom to have him close when i need, instead of texting him saying i'm having an awful day and need him to visit me, and getting booked into an appointment like slot of time at his nearest convenience.

but i can't make him want that. i can only pine after him.

ughhhhhh.

life is annoying sometime.

- ella faye

i do love him lots still.

and so i wait for you.

This morning's post seems so far behind me as tonight approaches and consumes my thoughts and mindfulness.

My stubborn nature and selfish attitudes have caused me to damage the most valuable relationship that I had in my current world.

I know I am being selfish, but one can only make so many sacrifices in a relationship with someone before they are simply accepting unhappiness in your life.

Michael just has so many things in his life, and I realize he tries so hard to be all things to all people, but he is spread too thin and over commits too much. His caring demeanor is something I love so passionately about him, but it leaves me so often feeling abandoned and rejected.

So is it so wrong to speak my mind and say that this is not something I can continue to live with for the rest of my life?

How much can love conquer in my life? Does love bring enough happiness to reject my feelings of loss an abandonment?

I read my entries about Michael in the summer where we fell in love enviously, remembering to vividly the acceptance and admiration we had for each other. We wrote each other letters religiously while we were separated for five long months, and he stood by my side through my mothers remarriage, move and through the hardships I suffered while living in his home town of Calgary this past summer.

Have I been foolish and naive for the past 14 months, believing that I might have actually found someone who could love me beyond all? Was I making an unwise choice when I opened up to him about my hurts and failures, as it would indefinitely lead to heartache?

I'm just dizzy with questions and hurt tonight. It's the worst.

I really do love him with every part if my heart. But I want to be loved in a selfish way. I know I'm being idealistic and silly, but I don't want to settle for sadness.

- ella faye

and morning came, and it felt like truth.

i've been reading anne of green gables,

and although i haven't finished, and don't know if i will,

i learned a lot.

anne talks so much of kindred spirits and bosom friends, and i always thought it was this romantic unrealistic idea of just knowing when you belong in a friendship with someone. i questioned her relationship with diana, because i didn't know if i could fiercely love someone so passionately without having romantic feelings for them.

but i learned l.m.montgomery was really onto something today.

i casual chat with a friend turned into a heart warming and beautiful experience.

i shared so many things that i never thought i might ever be able to voice to another human being.

my body is tired, and i have to wake up early,

but my soul is full.

- ella faye

It's a slow fire-burn

I am currently sitting in my developmental psychology class, and it is really ironic how much I can relate the content to my life.

We're discussing the amazing amount of innate knowledge it takes for someone to simply go through the motion of walking. The prof keeps using the image of a symphony, as so many muscles and neurons are required to be in use to do something so many people do each and every day.

Well isn't this just like anything else in my life? I have to work so many details and things together in order to succeed at something that someone else might think would be so simple.

I'm a daughter, a girlfriend,  a sister, a friend, a cousin, a student, a confidant, a don, a employee, a mediator, a teacher, and am actively seeking employment.

And it's all a balance. It's a day by day process where each choice that I make influences all the other aspects of my life.

And I love it.

Yeah, I'm tired. Sometimes I feel burnt out, but my life is full of love, laughter, experiences and joy. And what more could I ask for ?

Sometimes I think university students get way too caught up in the "right now" and in turn become selfish and ignorant to what life really holds.

We have so much and we are blessed to be here. There are big concerns like people who need help overcoming mental illness, or people teased because of their sexuality, or not having needs met because of a disability because society ignores them, so how much does your ten percent science test really matter? I doesn't, because life and people are what really should matter.

And I am not judging anyone, because I do this all the time. How can I watch someone make a women'srights joke on tv but I cry when someone calls me a bad don?

Life and love are beautiful, but difficult. And my time this term, which has been full of changing and overwhelming experiences, has taught me this. I'm looking forward to growing in who I am, and who I can be.

- Ella Faye

she's the muse.

for those of you who don't know,

i am still an RA, aha.

i am once again donning an all girls floor, crazy eh?
i'm wayyyy too awkward for this gig, i'm fortunate that my boss can see beyond that.

it's funny for me this year,
because my whole floor is way cooler than i am.

like, WAY cooler,
cause although i love me, and i embrace all my nerdisms,
i'm kind of a big loser.
an awesome loser,
but still a loser.

i'm awkwardly in awe of how awesome and cool all my girls are,
i'm like an awkward proud momma over here,
just not a hot momma,
like a "mom jeans and 80s glasses" momma,
you know?

either way, i think it'll be awesome,
because they're awesome,
so maybe some of their cool will rub off.

it's going to be a great year.

- ella faye

New Years Eve - Who Knew I'd End Up Here?!

i don't want any less anymore.

i'm learning to accept how vulnerable i really am.

it's being a little bit overwhelming for me.
because i've always been a tough girl.

i tried not to let anyone see me cry for a long time after dad died.
i felt like i had to prove to people that nothing can phase me,
or that i'm a strong and independent woman.

when really, that toughness turned out to be one of my biggest weaknesses.
because i hollowed out my heart trying to maintain my brave face
and i'm just working on letting my joy and passion fill it up again.

i pretend this isn't me, but i'll be honest,
the other night I went to michael's house and cried.
i cried a lot.
and it was okay, and it was normal, and it was healthy.

you know what?
i'm not okay with the fact that i don't remember the sound of my father's laugh
or how he smelled,
or what it was like to listen to him play the flute.

and it's okay that that is hard for me,
as much as I have pretended until now that it is fine.

and being able to acknowledge this as a weakness, is what makes me stronger than i have ever been.
so i am learning to embrace the beauty of that.
sadness and weakness are not the same thing,
it is too bad that people are taught they are for so much of our lives.

i am so blessed to have such wonderful people standing alongside me in this journey, and some of them don't even know how valuable they are in my life these days.

but God has my back. he knew the discoveries i'd be making, and called in exactly the right people to walk by my side as i discover and learn how to love this aspect of me,

sorry for being so ranty lately.
it's just part of who i am right now i suppose.
i hope you can find the beauty that i do in this new self discovery.

- ella faye

Christmas with Jay at L'Arche. That Man taught me a lot about unconditional love.

a tongue like yours should be burned and branded.

also p.s. ex boyfriends (namely max and kevin) this one is for you. you never have to worry about me forgetting about us.

]\\

- ella faye

my body has been claimed, soul has been shipped away.

so i'll be frank,

i'm not exactly all about the "literary classics"

i just think writing and fiction has developed a lot in the last 50 years, and that as the world become more literate, more writers are created, and so there are simply more options.

there is a reason Canadian Crusoes is not on this weeks best selling list.

i have to read this freaking book for tuesday for my children's lit class, but it's honestly the most boring book i've ever tried to read. it's like pulling teeth to get myself to read it, hence why i am writing this instead of reading.

don't get me wrong, i really love reading. just not lame books about stupid kids who can't find their way out of the forest (that description honestly makes the book seem way more thrilling than it actually is)

i have so many more important things than this dumb book. i want to find a job for next term, and do readings for other classes (well, maybe that one), and socialize with the first years on my floor.

ughhh.

such is life i suppose.

well, back to reading for now i suppose. i'm definitely ordering pizza later this evening.

- ella fayye

you sound like just a Judas.

max messaged me this week.
maybe that is one of the reasons i feel so insecure these days.

why does someone who treated me the way he did at the end of our relationship care how i am doing now?

well max, i'm doing great, amazing actually. Frankly, it's your loss that you refused to kiss me goodbye, because i'm a dang good kisser.

i fell for him harder than i wanted too, and i paid the price for it. maybe i will always be concerned about my current boyfriend's friends who are female, but i trusted max and he kissed someone else.

and if you're reading this, i really do you hope you find a girl that you can commit too. someone you're crazy about, and who is worth making effort for, even when it's not easy or convenient.

my life is just as crazy as ever, and i'm glad i've returned to sharing it.

- ella fayye

shooting stars, falling leaves.

as i relaunch my blog (yes, Jeff, likely because of you), i felt i should start with this poem i was given by a friend. my heart aches these days, and sometimes you need a reminder of the beauty of what love and life is. 

Every Girl Looks For

the Mr. Darcy to her Miss Elizabeth (someone to disagree with)

the Romeo to her Juliet (someone to runaway with)

the Ned to her Chuck (someone to love after death)

the Jack to her Rose (someone to die in the ocean with)

the Billy to her Penny (someone to share frozen yogurt with)

the Peter to her Wendy (someone to fly away with)

the Ron to her Hermione (someone to bicker with)

the Noah to her Allie (someone to never give up on)

the Booth to her Brennan (someone to be partners with)

the Wall-E to her Eve (someone to save the human-race with)

the Johnny to her Baby (someone to dance with)

the Castle to her Beckett (someone to solve mysteries with)

the Gilbert to her Anne (someone to compete with)

the Ross to her Rachel (someone to laugh with)

but when it comes right down to it,

all i need is you

a poem by Shannon Hawke

- ella faye