This morning's post seems so far behind me as tonight approaches and consumes my thoughts and mindfulness.
My stubborn nature and selfish attitudes have caused me to damage the most valuable relationship that I had in my current world.
I know I am being selfish, but one can only make so many sacrifices in a relationship with someone before they are simply accepting unhappiness in your life.
Michael just has so many things in his life, and I realize he tries so hard to be all things to all people, but he is spread too thin and over commits too much. His caring demeanor is something I love so passionately about him, but it leaves me so often feeling abandoned and rejected.
So is it so wrong to speak my mind and say that this is not something I can continue to live with for the rest of my life?
How much can love conquer in my life? Does love bring enough happiness to reject my feelings of loss an abandonment?
I read my entries about Michael in the summer where we fell in love enviously, remembering to vividly the acceptance and admiration we had for each other. We wrote each other letters religiously while we were separated for five long months, and he stood by my side through my mothers remarriage, move and through the hardships I suffered while living in his home town of Calgary this past summer.
Have I been foolish and naive for the past 14 months, believing that I might have actually found someone who could love me beyond all? Was I making an unwise choice when I opened up to him about my hurts and failures, as it would indefinitely lead to heartache?
I'm just dizzy with questions and hurt tonight. It's the worst.
I really do love him with every part if my heart. But I want to be loved in a selfish way. I know I'm being idealistic and silly, but I don't want to settle for sadness.
- ella faye