i don't want any less anymore.

i'm learning to accept how vulnerable i really am.

it's being a little bit overwhelming for me.
because i've always been a tough girl.

i tried not to let anyone see me cry for a long time after dad died.
i felt like i had to prove to people that nothing can phase me,
or that i'm a strong and independent woman.

when really, that toughness turned out to be one of my biggest weaknesses.
because i hollowed out my heart trying to maintain my brave face
and i'm just working on letting my joy and passion fill it up again.

i pretend this isn't me, but i'll be honest,
the other night I went to michael's house and cried.
i cried a lot.
and it was okay, and it was normal, and it was healthy.

you know what?
i'm not okay with the fact that i don't remember the sound of my father's laugh
or how he smelled,
or what it was like to listen to him play the flute.

and it's okay that that is hard for me,
as much as I have pretended until now that it is fine.

and being able to acknowledge this as a weakness, is what makes me stronger than i have ever been.
so i am learning to embrace the beauty of that.
sadness and weakness are not the same thing,
it is too bad that people are taught they are for so much of our lives.

i am so blessed to have such wonderful people standing alongside me in this journey, and some of them don't even know how valuable they are in my life these days.

but God has my back. he knew the discoveries i'd be making, and called in exactly the right people to walk by my side as i discover and learn how to love this aspect of me,

sorry for being so ranty lately.
it's just part of who i am right now i suppose.
i hope you can find the beauty that i do in this new self discovery.

- ella faye

Christmas with Jay at L'Arche. That Man taught me a lot about unconditional love.