the worst thing about losing one parent,
is that you really lose them both, because nothing is ever the same again.
this thing happens as your get older,
where you realize your parents are people, and therefore aren't perfect.
sometimes its tough to swallow, because you live for so long trying to model after them,
and now, i look back and realize i want to be nothing like either of my parents.
so i have to think about who i want to be for real, and go my own way.
i plan on being a stronger, more respectful and caring person than i was taught to be. i plan on loving my children wholeheartedly - which means making decisions i won't necessarily like to protect them. if my husband ever harms my children, I will walk out that day, instead of keeping them in an unsafe house for years as they grow up.
people tell me i have the best mom all the time, and i have moments where i whole heatedly agree. but people don't realize that i was hit, slapped, called a bitch, punched and thrown around in my house, and was too young to protect myself. i needed a protector, and i never had one.
is it wrong for me to be upset that she had the chance to protect me and never did?
in school, children get taught that if you stand by and let the bully reign, you're just as bad as the bully yourself. you need to stand up for people, and get help if you need it. i just wish someone had stood up for me so my life could've gone a little more smoothly.
so now i'm at that difficult crossroads in my life, where, i'm going to have to be independent, because i can't handle so many poor decisions being made for me.
who knows, i might drop of university and live in my car, but i'll learn, and i bet i'd get some freaking hilarious blogposts out of that. i'm 20, that's pretty much an adult, and part of that means realizing i don't have to be okay with things that just aren't.
everything is learning.
- ella faye