Sunday, 24 July 2011

i'll be waiting for you, when you're ready, to love me again.

so sorry i haven't been on recently.

i had hell week at school.

then so much has happened.

honestly, i want to curl up in my bed and hide from the world - which i am doing right now.

daniel came for a night this weekend - i laid everything on the line, i want him to give me another chance. but also, he's changed, and i'm scared he's not the godly young man that i fell in love with anymore. it's the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, i just want to cry all of the time, it's pretty lame.

but in my heart, i want to give it another shot, i want to make him see we could be awesome together all over again. but, he can't make up his mind. it sucks.

he told me that being with me is like coming home, because we have such a special level of comfort and understanding, but i don't think he wants to come home anymore. and if he doesn't, i'll cry, but i think i'll be okay. i'll find someone else who "gets" me, makes me laugh, will drink tea by the fire with me and who will kiss my nose.

as if this wasn't sensory over load enough for me - max messaged me today. he asked how school was going, and how i'm doing. he apologized for "not living up to my expectations" while we were camping - is that an apology for unnecessarily dumping me? - and he told me he still considered me a good friend (the friend card - nice). seriously?

i did a bad thing when i left daniel and started dating max. max is a really great guy, but i gave up the man i loved more than i've ever loved anyone for him, and all i got was heartbreak twofold. is it wrong for me to think it's not fair that i have to re-deal with both of them again in one weekend?! seriously boys, did you co-ordinate this or something? frig.

i feel like i'm just going to stay single forever. i don't know if i am willing to make myself vulnerable again. nothing went as planned with daniel, i still love him, but do i love who he used to be instead of who he is now? and max broke my heart so much. and kevin before that.

this brings me to make note of how much i love my residence. if it wasn't for my residence, i swear, i'd have given up on men as a species, and probably would be considering dropping contact with every guy in my life who isn't in my bloodline. but last night, a midst my heavy heart and watering eyes, the boys made me laugh the whole evening away. we had a camp out in front of the building, and everything from pitching tents, to late night euchre, to "never have i ever", to roasted marshmallows, these guys make my heart happy. and even though i snored and sprawled out over everyone in tent, they all said they had a great time at the camp out. i don't know if i've ever had such great guy friends with no strings.  it's honestly just so great.

so, to conclude today - my heart is heavy and sad, because so much of my past hurt is coming into play this weekend, but, the awesome people around me are making it bearable. i'm going to choose to love everyday, even though i so often feel unloved.

- ella faye

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