i'm walking in a fire (when i walk into you)

oh hey.

so i got out of gotcha, finally.

i forgot when i excitedly posted about it how my excitement only lasts for like, 3 days, and then i just am embarassed to be carrying a sword around in public places. however, I was the last don left in the game, so i did accomplish that goal.

in other news, my floors is hilarious as ever. they're stressed with midterms and stuff, and i am too, but it makes me feel old to see them go through this milestone. i don't even really remember my first round of midterms or if i was particularly nervous. weird.

i also went to oktoberfest, but that deserves it's own post, so i'll try and get that to you tomorrow.

school is crazy for me right now, so excuse me if i'm even less consistant than usual. life is crazy.

but back to what i originally intended to blog about today.

i am desperate for a job for next term.

not in the "i'm willing to use jobmine and take a crappy job way" but in a "i'm ready to get a job that will help to further my career when i'm done school" kind of way.

i dream about it, i wake up with the sweats thinking about it (i know, more imagery than you needed)

i've never been stressed like this before. if i don't find a job, it's not that big of a deal, because i can a school term and stay here. it's not ideal financially, but in spite of my strained relationship with my mom, i know she has my back and would support me in that. but i don't want to fail, i want to be able to achieve the standard i have set for myself in this area.

and i want my floor to be proud of me! i want them to see me as success and value my thoughts and opinions about how they can succeed here at university as well! i know i can't make them all like me, and it's not my job to be their friend all the time, but i like to be liked, i think everyone does. it just scares me that i don't have control over this situation.

so, it's time for me to be vulnerable, and accept that i am not always in control of every detail of my life. it's a learning experience, but i'll get there.

well, we'll see what happens. keep rooting for me!

- ella faye