i don't mean it, i still really care about him, and i know he is a great guy, but it's how i feel in this moment.
i went camping with max and flo this weekend, and although max and I had a couple of bumps towards the end of our relationship, i thought he genuinely had cared for me so that there still must be some sort of connection and comfort so it'd be okay.
boy was i wrong.
he evidently from the beginning wanted little to do with me. this was a struggle for me. I wanted to feel special and cared for and have that safe comfortable feeling we'd once had. so on the last night i laid out all my feelings on the line, and he was great. I thought we were on the same page, with some explaining and compromising from both parties. I woke up feeling like, hey, i know things won't work with him, but at least it'll be happy memories.
so, as i said my final goodbye today, i asked for one last goodbye kiss. i didn't think it was being so unreasonable, I mean, I'm never going to see him again, and I have such genuine and admirable feelings towards him. But, I was plainly rejected.
My last memory of max, for the rest of my life, will be trying to hold back tears, and him just looking into my eyes as though he didn't even care about how he was breaking my heart.
after crying my way home, and a good chat with my best friend Sarah, I established two possible reasons for his behaviour.
1) he's a giant, heartless player, who considered my feelings a silly game since the moment we started dating, and wanted to play one last move before we said goodbye.
2) maybe he just doesn't want to get hurt, so by keeping in control of the situation, his feelings get protected.
but, either way, he was being a jerk or a coward.
and either way, i ended up hurt.
the irony is, he was telling me the other day that i shouldn't keep people in my life who hurt me. that it's okay to let people go if it's a bad situation for me.
i don't think either of us knew i'd have to apply it to him the very next day.
i fell for a german boy who broke my heart, and he didn't even need too. he could have gone home to germany letting me believe he cared about me, and that he wasn't letting go of me because he wanted too, but because circumstances made him. Instead, I got a big dose of "you're nothing special."
today is a sad day, but i'll move on, i'll find someone new and i'll hopefully have a better story about the next boy.
|i never would have guessed it, but we all get blindsided sometimes.|
- ella faye