missing me, is it even a possibility?

every romantic relationship as a winner and a loser.

i think it's safe to say, i've been fortunate in that, for the most part, I've been the winner.

and it isn't even always the "dumper" who is the winner, it's really whoever is the happiest, moves on to the better thing and has more success in their future.

I know how vain and shallow this is. but i stand by the truth in this statement.

that being said, i'm about 97% sure that I will be the loser in my current relationship with my hot german friend.

i mean, i think it's safe to say that i've dated my fair share of douche bags. (note - if you are my ex-boyfriend, and you are reading this, i'm sure this does not apply to you.) i've also dated some great guys who just were very much the wrong fit for me (assume you belong in this group ex-boyfriend readers).

but, everytime, it hasn't worked out because a) i was being treated poorly, or b) i get so clingy and needy that I feel like i've lost my independence and then I freak out and get scared of commitment and then leave.

for the first time, i feel independent, wonderful and valued all at once. i by no means need him, i don't feel miserable if we go a few days without seeing each other, and i don't get jealous at all of his relationships with other girls. I just like having him around, and I like that he likes having me around (also, he's an amazing kisser. baha, this is super important to me. it's hard to live up to how great I am, and I wouldn't want to downgrade).

don't get me wrong, i am not going all "he's the one for me" on you. he's super high maintenance, gets mucho grouchy when he's hungry and can be a big lazy bum. but i just love the quality of our relationship. I like the relaxed feeling we have. i love being treated well, and being listened too.

now that i know what I  can have, my level of pickiness has skyrocketed. I, for the first time, feel like i deserve someone who is wonderful , who supports me to be wonderful, and who I can be wonderful with as a partner. i can't go back to the emotionally draining relationships of my past. I can move forward to a happier future.

I don't know that i'll ever build up the nerve to tell him (Florian, don't even think about it), but Max has taught me a lesson in how to adore myself, and how to seek out people who will respect me as much as I deserve to be respected. and he's a hero for that.

thanks max. you're "hot, hilarious and awesome."

"we're awesome"

- ella faye