what a beautiful mess this is.

today was one of those fun kind of average days.

however, one thing amazed me today.

i blush.

i mean, anyone who knows me might think this is one of the most obvious statements i could possibly make. i have the reddest, rosiest cheeks i have ever seen, i blush to my ears, and even worse, i get more red on the right side of my face than the left. it's been one of those things i've always been super insecure about.

but for real. i noticed i do things intentionally not to blush, because i feel like it gives away too much of what is going on in my head.

today, at work, i had to pick my house mates up from their day program. i ran into the boy i'm seeing who was picking up some people as well. this is a normal occurrence, i mean, we work the same job at different houses. but how uncomfortable is it for me to not be able to make eye contact with someone who knows me so well in public. he makes me blush. and when i blush, everyone notices, and that's the last thing i need on the job sometimes.

i live my life with a giant sign all over my face that screams EMBARRASSED, ATTRACTED, SHY or whatever the circumstance may be. i feel like a cartoon with a pop up bubble over my head to let the audience know what is happening in my mind.

and although i hate it a lot. it really makes me me. my partner might hate that i avoid eye contact with him in public, but it works both ways, how flattering would it be for you to pick someone up for a date, and as soon as they see you each time they blush. he'll always know he still makes me happy. how sweet (until the day it stops, aha.)

but i'm not perfect, i mean, if i could change my blushing. i still would.
what a beautiful mess.

- ella faye