i don't want any less anymore.

i'm learning to accept how vulnerable i really am.

it's being a little bit overwhelming for me.
because i've always been a tough girl.

i tried not to let anyone see me cry for a long time after dad died.
i felt like i had to prove to people that nothing can phase me,
or that i'm a strong and independent woman.

when really, that toughness turned out to be one of my biggest weaknesses.
because i hollowed out my heart trying to maintain my brave face
and i'm just working on letting my joy and passion fill it up again.

i pretend this isn't me, but i'll be honest,
the other night I went to michael's house and cried.
i cried a lot.
and it was okay, and it was normal, and it was healthy.

you know what?
i'm not okay with the fact that i don't remember the sound of my father's laugh
or how he smelled,
or what it was like to listen to him play the flute.

and it's okay that that is hard for me,
as much as I have pretended until now that it is fine.

and being able to acknowledge this as a weakness, is what makes me stronger than i have ever been.
so i am learning to embrace the beauty of that.
sadness and weakness are not the same thing,
it is too bad that people are taught they are for so much of our lives.

i am so blessed to have such wonderful people standing alongside me in this journey, and some of them don't even know how valuable they are in my life these days.

but God has my back. he knew the discoveries i'd be making, and called in exactly the right people to walk by my side as i discover and learn how to love this aspect of me,

sorry for being so ranty lately.
it's just part of who i am right now i suppose.
i hope you can find the beauty that i do in this new self discovery.

- ella faye

Christmas with Jay at L'Arche. That Man taught me a lot about unconditional love.

you sound like just a Judas.

max messaged me this week.
maybe that is one of the reasons i feel so insecure these days.

why does someone who treated me the way he did at the end of our relationship care how i am doing now?

well max, i'm doing great, amazing actually. Frankly, it's your loss that you refused to kiss me goodbye, because i'm a dang good kisser.

i fell for him harder than i wanted too, and i paid the price for it. maybe i will always be concerned about my current boyfriend's friends who are female, but i trusted max and he kissed someone else.

and if you're reading this, i really do you hope you find a girl that you can commit too. someone you're crazy about, and who is worth making effort for, even when it's not easy or convenient.

my life is just as crazy as ever, and i'm glad i've returned to sharing it.

- ella fayye

i'm a ghost, haunting these halls.

sometimes it's time for me to flashback to highschool.

today was that time apparently.

we were hanging pictures in the house, after coming across a few boxes of pictures of the folks from a long time ago. along with them, is this picture of Jean Vanier.

Vanier created L'Arche, and i've noticed people in L'Arche quote his books like the bible. It's actually a little uncomfortable, because to me, Vanier isn't God, and it's weird that he's kind of treated that way. But anyways, this picture is supposed to be up in the house.

we looked around the house and found an ideal location, because it would be kind of out of the way where people wouldn't have to really see it, but leadership would be able to see it and be happy that we had put it up.

unfortunately, I had to hang over the edge of a ledge to hang it.

flashback to grade 9 hanging lights in the caf with Court and Katherine. Hanging over the ledge of the cherry picker, and hoping to God that none of the teachers came in and saw, because otherwise I'd have to come down, and move the cherry picker, when if i just took a little risk, i could totally hang that light.

or, climbing up our sketchville ladder to hang on the teasers, and being yelled at by the VP.

or whatever, whatever i ended up doing with crew.

i miss that. the team, who all spent a weird amount of time together.

taking risks and staying at the school till all hours of the night.

and even though i really kind of hate it here, sometimes i'm reminded that I will always be crazy old me, and that can be a great thing, no matter where i am.

- ella faye

you and i are painting pictures in the sky.

when i think everything around me is crashing down,

he calms my storm.

needless to say, i feel a lot better.

eight days.

which is well needed.

i'm so sick of cleaning poop out from people's finger nails.

it sounds like such an easy task,

but seriously, try getting someone who hates water to soak there hands, and who hates when you touch their fingers to hold still while you clean there nails.

l'arche assistant problemmssssss.

right now, i just fight with a damp cloth. but seriously, it's a sight to see!

me: jay, give me your hand!

jay: NOOOOOOOOO *swats me away*

me: jay, seriously, no one will want to hold your hand if you have poop in your nails,

jay: NOOOOOOOOOOO. *swats me away*

and this continues for like, 20 minutes,

and then, when its done, and he's tried to hit me and push me away,

he looks up at me with his sweet blue eyes and says

"are you okay bebebebbee?"

and it just melts my heart all over again.

my love for him is so deep, i don't even have words for it.

even though i havent touched my essay yet today,

it's a good day

- ella faye

p.s. www.mobro.co/michaeljerome 

seriously, do it.

patient anticipation

ten days.

in ten days, i will hopefully be finished this damn essay that really makes no sense to me.

and away from my stupid coworker,

and also away from the hardheaded coremembers that i've been clashing with.

and i will be back in the arms of my wonderful boyfriend.

and for a whole week, dispensing meds, missing finances and staff drama will sink to the back of my mind, and i can just enjoy the company i long for so much.

i never thought that coming back here would make me so miserable!

but i'm still learning lessons.

i mean, being here has taught me how much i appreciate my loved ones, and how much i've taken my experiences for granted.

i thought things always just worked out in the long run, and they will in time, but this term, i would say, coop has not worked out for me in the long run.

but im starting to find myself in good spirits again.

in ten days, the man i might be falling in love with will be next to me. and i'll be reminded that someone out there values me.

some things you just need to tough on through.

- ella faye

what is the use of holding back on this much?

i really shouldn't be here blogging,

but leave it to an essay that i must finish by tomorrow to encourage me to post once again.

i find that a lot has been crashing down around me.

i'm tired and lonely here, and it's not getting better. i'm stressed about getting this paper, and the next one done, before my trip out west. and my body is just over it. i'm weak and sore all the time.

also, i'm broke, aha. i've spent the little i had to spare on this wild trip to see michael in calgary. it's a sad day when you call your mom and ask her to mail you a razor because you can't shave your legs because you just can't afford to.

and mom has been so great. she has been such an amazing support, and has backed me 100%. and i'm so, so thankful for her.

but i don't know how i'd be getting by this term without my wonderful man.

you know, ever girl dreams of the guy who will do everything he can to sweep her off her feet. send her chocolates in the mail. write her the most beautiful and eloquent love letters. tell her all the things she wants to hear (and actually mean it!)

and i might have ended up with him.

now, some months down the road i'll likely be blogging about how much of a douchebag he is for breaking my heart, or how he played me all along, or how he's secretly a wanted drug dealer or something, because no one, and no relationship, is this great.

but for now, i'm enjoying every single moment. and, the most i invest now, the more ammo i will have to write epic and amazing hate blogs if he breaks my heart. so really, it's win win for you readers.

i hope you really see my effort to be posting more. i know it's not much, and my posts are subpar, but i've really got to start somewhere, right?

now go invest in something risky, it'll make a good story.

**however, please keep in mind, I will not be help accountable for the loss of money, broken hearts or any other negative consequences to following my advice.

- ella faye

such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun.

in all the heartache and sorrow that i am living here right now,

i really do find moments of pure innocence and joy.

like today, when we decided that Jay, or Jerry, or Michael Jerome, should be participating in Movember.

with blessings from his family, we started a mospace for him.

through all my tears, loneliness and misery,

i'm helping someone make a difference, who couldn't otherwise.

this little man holds such a huge part of my heart. he warms my heart so thoroughly.

so please, check out his mospace. donate, or leave a comment.

you're not only helping a great cause and encouraging a sweet man, you'll also help add that little bit of joy that keeps me going here.

you rock.

http://mobro.co/michaeljerome

- ella faye

whoa, i'm waiting for the breakdown.

i'm so sorry i haven't been blogging.

truth is, i'm so miserable here this time. i look back at my joys and excitement of the last time i lived here bring even more sorrow to my heart when i just can not seem to find the same light heart i lived before.

i thought that maybe, with my strict house leader gone things might be even better this time. i thought it would be my dream job,

but all that has happened as no one has been keeping my miserable, mean and awful coworker at bay. she's mean to me all the time. nothing i ever do here is right. and even though i do so much laundry, cleaning and care, it goes unnoticed over how anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault.

i find myself on the verge of tears on a regular basis at work. doing all i can to hold up a strong front for the folks. i want to come to you with stories, but at the end up the day, i just want to curl up in my bed and head to my safe sleepland where I can escape the misery I have to live here.

it seems no one has the guts to stand up to her, and I certainly don't. she would just victimize me more, making life here unbearable. so I'm just going to keep trekking on.

I really love the folks so much. I love caring for them, and I love the actual work aspect of my job, but its hard when I'm only every being told my flaws.

I can't wait to visit Michael in Calgary and just be in his arms. To remember what it's like to be around someone who truly values me.

Only two more months till I'm back at school, please don't give up on me!

- ella faye

so why you looking so nervous? you know you're gonna deserve this.

it's evident that more than just the pee chair had not been cleaned since i left in April.

today, I surrendered to the pee chair.

i accept that no matter how many lysol wipes, no matter how much scrubbing and no matter how much fiddling with that zipper, that pee chair will be eternally dirty.

i sprayed her down intensely with lysol today, and man did she ever need it! i could pretty much hear it's screams in terror as it shed it's grimy skin. And yet, when I wiped her down again later it was as though we'd never had that previous encounter. i'm pretty sure the chair actually produces it's own grime!

but then, i had to take on a new challenge.

rumour had it around town there was a new source of disgust in town - the washing machine.

in a house with eight people, and a fair share incontinence, the washing machine is a happening joint in this town. the party usually starts around 8am with wake up and goes nonstop until till we hit the hay around 8 in the eveningtime.

so the buzz spread quickly when folks heard i was going to challenge this washer to a cleanliness duel.

i prepared myself for the worst; sloppy clothes, protective gloves, lysol in multiple forms and a full roll of paper towel. but i could never have been prepared enough for the challenge that lay ahead.

you see, a front loading washer like the one here, has a rubber ring around the front, to help seal the washer door closed. but, ladies and gents, water gets into the creases of such rubber ring. and sits there, and turns itself into a substance much like the way i would imagine a pokemon like Grimer to be made out of. A dark, slimy, stench filled sludge. blechh.

i scrubbed as much as i could between gags. and had a variety of weird flashbacks to a variety of previous pee chair incidents - but i kept fighting.

i did my best. i cleaned with all i had in me. and for now, i think i'm in control, we'll see how my work holds up.

it's hard, but i'm doing my best to look up today.

- ella faye

baby, please come home.

i am so lonely here.

as i sit here enjoying Cake Walk wayyy too much on my Saturday night,

my heart still aches.

i know i've been the worst blogger ever, i keep saying i'm getting out of the slumps but then not following through on my promise to improve my blogging,

but I keep just finding myself here.

sitting alone in my living room.

and feeling so, so alone.

i want more than anything to be able to crawl into my boyfriends arms and be held,
or to meet up with a friend for coffee,
or to walk up to loft to play a game of euchre.

i feel like i've taken having friends close to me for advantage my whole life.

even last term, i had max and florian. when I just needed to vent and cry or drink (don't judge until you've done this job aha) i had someone close. I know I have Scott here, and he's great, but we're at different places in life, and i'm just a passing thing. I dont know, it just doesn't feel the same I guess.

it's hard too because i don't always want to express how i feel. when michael is out with his friends, and asks how my night is going, I don't want to be like "miserable, I'm sitting here crying watching crappy reality television and eating celery sticks." No one likes a miserable texter. But hourly updates about how much fun he is having with the guys is only fuelling my loneliness fire.

sidebar: i've gone from cake walk to Jersey Shore with french voiceovers. I'm actually ashamed of myself right now.

the amount i would give to flash back and crawl into my residence bed knowing i was in a building full of people who love and support me is unreal.

i'm working on it, i am, thank you for your patience.

- ella faye

the sun, the moon, and all their light.

Anne didn't have a great week.

I mean, she's getting older, and her life is super busy,

and she hurt her hip on Thursday and Friday she was the queen of grouch.

Sometimes life is not fair. When you are tired, lonely. lost and frustrated, the punches continue to get thrown.

There has been a lot of changes in the house, with Jay's needs changing, the staff is tired, worn down and the folks aren't all getting the same one on one attention that they used too.

Anne's life is in transition, and she didn't need a sore hip to add to the chaos.

 -

I can connect with her. Because my life is in transition right now too. Im lonely, I miss having Michael, Miguel, Kassym, Shale, Chris, Janice, Elizabeth and Trevor at a stones throw. I miss being able to walk upstairs and as for a hug when my heart is aching. I miss being able to drive home when life gets to be too much. I miss having someone to laugh with all the time.

I'm trying to be so strong here, but sometimes I feel like it was foolish to come back.

The amount I'd give to be able to play a game of euchre, or hold Michael's hand right now is ridiculous.

But, last night when I was reflecting on the week with Anne, she said she was happy.

she didn't know why, but she was.

I almost cried! I see a million reasons for her to be upset, and angry. I wouldn't blame her for a single second!

But, it was all forgotten, and she only recalled the highlights of her week.

I want to live like that. I try, but I can always improve.

I wish I could capture her beauty and innocence in that moment for you to really see an understand.

Life and L'Arche are beautiful.

- ella faye

lord, make me a rainbow.

sorry i havent written in so long, moving does this to me.

also, i was watching "Hoarders: Buried Alive" a couple days ago and had minor crisis,

i'm pretty sure i'm a hoarder.

i hope dear mike doesn't see this and decide i'm crazy!

but seriously, my room at home doesn't look much better than the houses these people live in!

so i decided to take on a challenge and unhoard my room, i've been throwing things out left, right and centre, and have so far in one morning filled one large black garbage bag of trash and one of clothes to donate. Seriously, I went from three drawers of tee shirts to one (but this does not include the clothes I brought home from school, which is another 3 suitcases worth of stuff.)

stuff is just stuff, i don't need so much of it!

wish me luck in my cleaning endeavours this week!

- ella faye

memories, like embers, keep us warm. you will leave me in the morning.

i guess i should tell you,

mystery boy, or mike, as i would generally refer to him as,

is now my boyfriend.

i know things moved fast, but we decided to take the plunge and DTR before he flew back to the other side of the country to do his work term for the the next four months.

it sucks that i finally get what i've been longing for for months, and then he up and leaves me here to miss him for the next term. but, i'm so happy. by officially labelling our relationship, we're going to have to work hard to make it work while he's away, and i think we will. he's so incredibly wonderful, i don't want to let this go anytime soon.

also, in res, we built an epic sand kingdom.

mike was a part of this, because he's awesome. it's nice to have so much fun with someone again.

so basically, that is what is new in my life. i'm super tired today, but i will write again soontimes.

sand kingdom building crew ftw.

- ella faye

so petrified - i'm so scared to step into this ride.

i am more nervous for this date than i am for the exam i have that same day.

nothing has happened with him since then - we had a nice chat about random things yesterday, but nothing earth shaking.

he makes me nervous - who am i?!

this is so unlike me! i'm usually pretty calm and collected about boys. i've been on like, a million first dates (yes, i realize i'm exaggerating, but it's a pretty high number), but i don't know that i've ever wanted to impress someone so bad before.

i realize this isn't going to progress into anything, afterall, we go on our work terms in like, 2 weeks, and won't see each other for four months, and, I don't even know if he's that into me, he might be taking me on a pity date. I mean, afterall, I did have to lay everything on the line for him to ask me, he might have just done it to not hurt my feelings, which wouldn't have been that hurt if he said he wasn't into me, but he doesn't know that for sure.

and he's just such a nice guy. i sure hope this isn't some ploy to get off easy and not hurt me, because this would hurt me more.

right now, i'm the kind of girl i hate. i'm caught up in an idea, and i will likely get hurt, if not now, in a couple weeks. and i know i'm so cliche and lame to say he's worth it, but i'm going to stick by that statement. I've never really met someone like him, and I wouldn't want to say I passed up a great opportunity.

I'm stealing my friend Jeff's love motto - "Fall hard now and deal with heartbreak later"

it's scary. i'm nervous, anxious, terrified.

excited, giddy, happy.

i'm all over the map these days.

new risk-taking ella is insane. with the stress this is causing, i don't know if i can handle it! aha.

- ella faye

silence reveals where we really are.

so this super cute, nice guy in my residence made a bet with me.

and for those of you who know me well, I don't lose bets (within reason).

i have to run 5km.

i might actually die before i win this, but i'm seriously going to try until my death. i hate losing that much.

i really, really hate running - a lot.

but, i am learning something,

the more i run, the closer i find myself drawing to God - how random!

i pump up my worship playlist (with the exception of this morning's run - which I did significantly worse at...) and just go for it, i think the idea of honouring God take the focus of my pain.

this dare is seriously enhancing my worship time - i know, it's nuts.

but it's pretty awesome. i might not win over mystery boy by improving my athleticism (although it is an ulterior motive), i might not lose all the extra weight i gained after my dad died (but it sure isn't hurting that goal), and i might not even win the dare, but I know i'm benefitting.

also, a girl in my program is running with me.  it's nice. she's someone i really wouldn't have guessed in first year i'd end up friends with - after, i'd never been drunk and they had messy monday - freaky fridays (or something along those lines, aha) on her residence floor. but she's pretty hilarious and awesome. and it even works out because although she's a significantly better runner, my legs are twice as long, so my slow pace works out for her.

silly mike doesn't even know how much i'm gaining from this dare. i'm pretty sure i'll win two fold (watching him come to my hot yoga class when I win will be one more benefit). it's funny how things work out like that sometimes, what a great couple of surprises.

now - studying for my exam on saturday. i love you all, but this blog might be the downfall of my marks this term :P

- ella faye

she takes my money - when i'm in need.

i have the most awesome car to ever exist on the face of this earth,

she is the Golddigger.

She is a 2002, Dream Cruiser 1. A special edition bright Gold version of the PT cruiser, that comes equipped with gold inlay in the leather seats, "Dream Cruiser" rims and a Grammy Nominees of 2001 CD in the CD player - including the ever so fabulous clean version of "The Real Slim Shady". This car is anyone's dream car.

I have a lot of fond memories in that car - cruising around whitby with the sunroof down and Courtney and Heidi belting along to Ke$ha with me, venturing into Montreal with Max and Florian, picking my drunk friends up at the beach only to be argued with about who's water bottle I brought with me, chats with Daniel driving to and from Waterloo. She is cherished and loved by many.

Unfortunately, late at night on Saturday July 23rd, some drunk, foolish hooligans decided the Golddigger was not worth the respect of just walking on by. They climbed on top of my car and jumped on the roof - caving it in. With $4500 of damage done to my beloved car, this seems to have overcome her, and she will be moving on to car heaven in the near future. I have decided to be a responsible mother, and I am donating her parts so she can save the lives of other cars around the world. Our loss with help make other car owners exceedingly happy with news that they can now be given a much needed car transplant.

She is in stable condition, and is still with me here in Waterloo. She is accepting visits from August 6th until she is put down - the date for this is still unknown. Thank you all for your support and condolences in this time, on behalf of the Golddigger herself, and the rest of our family, we are incredibly grateful for all your love and support.

She will be missed - but her legacy will live on.

- ella faye

and i'm not doing this alone.

i'm horribly terrified of bats.

i can handle snakes, spiders, dirt, power tools, fire pits, heights, vomit (and drunk people in general), no sleep, catty girls and a variety of other things,

but I can't do bats.

which is particularly interesting because the building in which I am a don, has a bat problem.

it's hard to be a good role model and take charge of a situation when the thing i am most terrified of is flying around my head and i'm doing everything i can not to pee my pants out of fear.

Fortunately, I've only had to handle a bat once this summer. And although the Incident Report expresses a casual tone of control and calmness, really, I screamed and cried while the guys I lived with chased down the bat, and finally, one resident (who i'm pretty sure is cool enough to have his own TV show) trapped it in a pillowcase with no problem - apparently he had a summer job once trapping animals - what a champ.

Bats are one of the many fears I've had to handle facing this term.

Rejection is another. People often ask me why I don't just ask mystery boy out - the answer? I'm scared. I'm a pretty embarrassing person afterall - sometimes i spit food out when I laugh at dinner, sometimes I fall on my face when just walking normally, sometimes my stories fail at being even remotely funny.

Failure is another. I'm being examined all the time as a Don, i'm scared to slip up and say the wrong thing. Am I around enough? Have I offended anyone? What if my reviews come back horrible and I lose my spot next term.

And Abandonment. Another reason I haven't asked mystery boy out - what if I lose his friendship. It's a new relationship, and it makes me happy. I don't want to take steps backwards. And the same thing with Daniel. I put my feelings on the line, and he still doesn't know, I feel like he's just leaving me out in the cold to wonder and soothe my aching heart.

But, let's bring it back to the bat. I'm not alone. Yeah, I'm scared, but I have good support around me. People who love and care about me. I'm so blessed.

I'm going to try and face my fears. I might keep Sarah and Mark on speed dial so I can call them in for backup if my heart gets broken - but I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to take risks and learn good lessons from that.

here I go.

- ella faye

heal over someday.

happy canada day y'all.

i wish i was out celebrating, however, i'm on duty so i'm here.

and sometimes, being alone just makes me sad.

i still struggle with how easily the guys in my life have just broken my heart without even caring. like seriously, Kevin dumps me, Daniel abandons me, Max rejects me and Keegan gives up on me. It's incredibly frustrating. I feel so lonely, and it's sucky and lame, and on top of that, i'm stuck in the building for Canada day, alone.

It doesn't always help that my girlfriends are few and far between. Girls don't usually like me all that much (i'm a pretty intimidating person), and the ones I do have are in toronto/whitby/quebec/ottawa for the weekend. it's one of those days where i just wake up sad, my soul is sad today. most days aren't like this for me, but it's days where i'd call my dad or we'd have normally spent together that are particularly hard.

he wasn't always a perfect dad, but he always took the time to talk when I needed it, and today I'd definitely have called him. he loved Canada day. Last year he came and saw me sing to advertise my play. He was super embarrassed because my costume was hardly clothing, but he took it like a champ anyways. for all the frustration, yelling and hurtful things, he was the most supportive parent when it came to the things I was passionate about. He never missed a show, no matter how small and insignificant my role, and now I don't really get that as much.

I mean, my mom is great. But she's a busy lady. I feel like her time is so stretched between all her other commitments that I can't always ask her to give up time for me. Dad really only had work and me, since Bryan and Jared weren't as involved in school as I was. He still showed up for their stuff, but there was just less of it.

I know God has a plan. I know he has someone to come and be a partner and a companion for me. I know he didn't abandon me. I know great things are going to come from my bad experiences. Today I just really wish someone would crawl into my bed and hold me and let me cry. Listen to my stories about my dad, the good ones and the bad ones, and then make me tea and play a thoughtless card game.

But, because that's not an option today, I'm just going to put a brave face on and celebrate our awesome country.

- ella faye