my body has been claimed, soul has been shipped away.

so i'll be frank,

i'm not exactly all about the "literary classics"

i just think writing and fiction has developed a lot in the last 50 years, and that as the world become more literate, more writers are created, and so there are simply more options.

there is a reason Canadian Crusoes is not on this weeks best selling list.

i have to read this freaking book for tuesday for my children's lit class, but it's honestly the most boring book i've ever tried to read. it's like pulling teeth to get myself to read it, hence why i am writing this instead of reading.

don't get me wrong, i really love reading. just not lame books about stupid kids who can't find their way out of the forest (that description honestly makes the book seem way more thrilling than it actually is)

i have so many more important things than this dumb book. i want to find a job for next term, and do readings for other classes (well, maybe that one), and socialize with the first years on my floor.

ughhh.

such is life i suppose.

well, back to reading for now i suppose. i'm definitely ordering pizza later this evening.

- ella fayye

you sound like just a Judas.

max messaged me this week.
maybe that is one of the reasons i feel so insecure these days.

why does someone who treated me the way he did at the end of our relationship care how i am doing now?

well max, i'm doing great, amazing actually. Frankly, it's your loss that you refused to kiss me goodbye, because i'm a dang good kisser.

i fell for him harder than i wanted too, and i paid the price for it. maybe i will always be concerned about my current boyfriend's friends who are female, but i trusted max and he kissed someone else.

and if you're reading this, i really do you hope you find a girl that you can commit too. someone you're crazy about, and who is worth making effort for, even when it's not easy or convenient.

my life is just as crazy as ever, and i'm glad i've returned to sharing it.

- ella fayye

i'm not bitter, but i've had better days.

here is a list of things that i now look for in a future partner after living with sam, my awful coworker:

1. someone who shares the housework. i'm sick of cleaning while someone sits their ass in front of the food network all day.

2. someone who gives me the benefit of doubt - just because something is broken, doesn't mean i broke it.

3. someone who keeps me company - instead of doing the minimal amount of work possible and then disappearing to their room.

4. someone who enjoys my baking - i make delicious cookies, even if you only ate one i'd be a happy lady.

5. someone who gives me a break sometimes when i'm having a rough day.

6. someone who doesn't make me feel abandoned.

7. someone to support me emotionally, sometimes i just need to talk things out.

i don't think i'm asking too much.

i've got what i need, just on the other side of the country.

i'm feeling jaded today. two days in a row, she's bailed on me, leaving me to take over the majority of the chores and handling the house along. she just came off of vacation, and i've been working two months straight!

oh well, only two more sleeps till i'll finally be reunited with my love.

- ella faye

ain't no use defending words that you will never say.

don't get me wrong,

i'm genuinely happy in my relationship.

but, today i feel a little in over my head.

you know, sometimes, even though you pretty much spend every day with someone for four months,

you start to realize that maybe you don't really know them at all.

i don't want to question my own values to feel comfortable with his,

but i also don't want to be the person who passes something up because of something that shouldn't be a big deal at all.

i have awful timing.

i'm getting on a plane to see him in nine days.

and all i want to do is take a minute to think things through. have i been being foolish this whole time? or am i being foolish now?

with me, it's really a 50-50 shot.

- ella faye

what is the use of holding back on this much?

i really shouldn't be here blogging,

but leave it to an essay that i must finish by tomorrow to encourage me to post once again.

i find that a lot has been crashing down around me.

i'm tired and lonely here, and it's not getting better. i'm stressed about getting this paper, and the next one done, before my trip out west. and my body is just over it. i'm weak and sore all the time.

also, i'm broke, aha. i've spent the little i had to spare on this wild trip to see michael in calgary. it's a sad day when you call your mom and ask her to mail you a razor because you can't shave your legs because you just can't afford to.

and mom has been so great. she has been such an amazing support, and has backed me 100%. and i'm so, so thankful for her.

but i don't know how i'd be getting by this term without my wonderful man.

you know, ever girl dreams of the guy who will do everything he can to sweep her off her feet. send her chocolates in the mail. write her the most beautiful and eloquent love letters. tell her all the things she wants to hear (and actually mean it!)

and i might have ended up with him.

now, some months down the road i'll likely be blogging about how much of a douchebag he is for breaking my heart, or how he played me all along, or how he's secretly a wanted drug dealer or something, because no one, and no relationship, is this great.

but for now, i'm enjoying every single moment. and, the most i invest now, the more ammo i will have to write epic and amazing hate blogs if he breaks my heart. so really, it's win win for you readers.

i hope you really see my effort to be posting more. i know it's not much, and my posts are subpar, but i've really got to start somewhere, right?

now go invest in something risky, it'll make a good story.

**however, please keep in mind, I will not be help accountable for the loss of money, broken hearts or any other negative consequences to following my advice.

- ella faye

baby, please come home.

i am so lonely here.

as i sit here enjoying Cake Walk wayyy too much on my Saturday night,

my heart still aches.

i know i've been the worst blogger ever, i keep saying i'm getting out of the slumps but then not following through on my promise to improve my blogging,

but I keep just finding myself here.

sitting alone in my living room.

and feeling so, so alone.

i want more than anything to be able to crawl into my boyfriends arms and be held,
or to meet up with a friend for coffee,
or to walk up to loft to play a game of euchre.

i feel like i've taken having friends close to me for advantage my whole life.

even last term, i had max and florian. when I just needed to vent and cry or drink (don't judge until you've done this job aha) i had someone close. I know I have Scott here, and he's great, but we're at different places in life, and i'm just a passing thing. I dont know, it just doesn't feel the same I guess.

it's hard too because i don't always want to express how i feel. when michael is out with his friends, and asks how my night is going, I don't want to be like "miserable, I'm sitting here crying watching crappy reality television and eating celery sticks." No one likes a miserable texter. But hourly updates about how much fun he is having with the guys is only fuelling my loneliness fire.

sidebar: i've gone from cake walk to Jersey Shore with french voiceovers. I'm actually ashamed of myself right now.

the amount i would give to flash back and crawl into my residence bed knowing i was in a building full of people who love and support me is unreal.

i'm working on it, i am, thank you for your patience.

- ella faye

how sweet it is.

i'm so sorry that i'm so fail at blogging these days,

having a real life has done that to me i suppose.

i'm tired all the time at work too, i don't know why, but i can hardly stay awake come the evening.

this week i had to cut out leaves.

like, seriously, a hundred leaves.

i hate cutting out detailed things.

i hate cutting out anything really,

my hands actually swell up when i use scissors. i get grouchy and short tempered, it's not a good scene.

but here i was, sitting with Jane and cutting out leaves for two freaking hours.

but you know what?

it wasn't so bad.

i've been having a rougher time these days,

my heart is heavy missing the close support of my friends (and Michael) from school.

i feel left out of all that is happening at the Residence while I waste away in the little no name town that i live it.

but just simply sitting with Jane and listening to her tell me stories about her week, laughing at when I make a mistake and listening to some quiet music was so innocent and beautiful.

i love finding joy in the mundane things of life like that.

awesome.

- ella faye

in the evening, you can catch me daydreaming.

there is something awesome about food.

food is a social thing, it brings people together, it gives us nutrition, it causes some of us anxiety and others peace.

L'Arche is often centred around the table, around dinner, around food.

it's a simple concept really, since everyone in the house is out and about doing different things so often.

today i really got that.

i was making lunch for Jay, myself and my house leader Marie. Normally we just throw together sandwiches and part ways, but today i was feeling adventurous and made a lovely pasta sauce for us.

i haven't eaten lunch with any of the folks in a long time, since usually that's my only time off in the day, but today i took the time just to sit with him and my wonderful boss Marie.

i couldn't tell you what we talked about, or the silly things Jay said - which he has a tendency to do. but i can tell you i'd forgotten how much I really really love being here.

i'd been feeling so stressed and worn thin, but this meal made it up. i remember why i'm back.

and i'm back.

hopefully i'll be able to enlighten you again soon with the silly stories of my life here. i'd been a little lost, but some pasta fixed that.

get ready, life is crazy.

this is how we did shared meal time at school

- ella faye

dance with me darling, the night is falling.

i'm sitting in my kitchen,

with my momma and james, and we've all maybe had one glass of wine too many.

and life is beautiful.

today I drove Anne from our house to her sister's city.

three hours of me, and the core member i struggle with the most.

Anne and I have always clashed. I find her attention seeking behaviours extremely frustrating, and as a result, I tend to be shorter with her than I should be.

but something about checking my rearview mirror and seeing her there sleeping in the back seat just melted my heart.

i never thought i loved her, but evidently i do.

for the first time in my life, i'm realizing how much i adore the people in my life.

i'm realizing how happy i am to have the life that i do, even with my struggles.

things with michael have been so wonderful. in fact, i'm going to fly to calgary to see him in november.

i feel vulnerable, and scared, and happy.

i feel like i love the people around me,

and that i'm loved by them.

-

beauty is in innocence,

and beauty is in accepting moments of shame.

-

beauty is both in laughter and tears.

-

beauty is in the first light of day,

and the first star to appear in the night sky.

-

beauty is in my brothers playing video games,

and my mother holding hands with her new love.

-

beauty is in clothes that don't fit anymore,

and a brand new pair of shoes.

-

start noticing it.

- ella faye

the sun, the moon, and all their light.

Anne didn't have a great week.

I mean, she's getting older, and her life is super busy,

and she hurt her hip on Thursday and Friday she was the queen of grouch.

Sometimes life is not fair. When you are tired, lonely. lost and frustrated, the punches continue to get thrown.

There has been a lot of changes in the house, with Jay's needs changing, the staff is tired, worn down and the folks aren't all getting the same one on one attention that they used too.

Anne's life is in transition, and she didn't need a sore hip to add to the chaos.

 -

I can connect with her. Because my life is in transition right now too. Im lonely, I miss having Michael, Miguel, Kassym, Shale, Chris, Janice, Elizabeth and Trevor at a stones throw. I miss being able to walk upstairs and as for a hug when my heart is aching. I miss being able to drive home when life gets to be too much. I miss having someone to laugh with all the time.

I'm trying to be so strong here, but sometimes I feel like it was foolish to come back.

The amount I'd give to be able to play a game of euchre, or hold Michael's hand right now is ridiculous.

But, last night when I was reflecting on the week with Anne, she said she was happy.

she didn't know why, but she was.

I almost cried! I see a million reasons for her to be upset, and angry. I wouldn't blame her for a single second!

But, it was all forgotten, and she only recalled the highlights of her week.

I want to live like that. I try, but I can always improve.

I wish I could capture her beauty and innocence in that moment for you to really see an understand.

Life and L'Arche are beautiful.

- ella faye

heaven sent a hurricane.

i have some more confessions.

- 

sometimes, i wake up crying of happiness because everything just feels so right.

and sometimes i wake with a sorrowful heart, and have to choose to smile through it.

- 

sometimes,  i eavesdrop on people in starbucks,

because it reminds me how small i really am in this world, 

and how big God is to be aware of it all.

- 

sometimes i act like i think i'm the most beautiful girl in the room,

because it's nice to think someone thinks that, even if it has to be me.

- 

sometimes i go to my room and cry after hugging all my core-members good night,

because i know one of them doesn't remember me each morning, and it breaks my heart.

- 

sometimes I go to a shoe store and find the ugliest pair of shoes I can to try on,

because I think it's hilarious when the salespeople try and tell me they look great and they're a super popular shoe.

-

sometimes i just want to get married and settle down,

and sometimes just the idea of that scares the hell out of me.

- 

sometimes i whisper my true feelings about people while I lay in bed at night,

because I've convinced myself that somehow someday it will get to them and they'll understand me better.

-

sometimes I would go to a specific yoga class to get that super hot instructor,

but then I would avoid him like the plague the entire class.

- 

sometimes I seriously consider applying for the bachelor,

because I feel like it would be an awesome story for my kids (sorry michael, aha).

-

sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to joy I have in life

but I'm sure as heck happy I have it.

-

i am so, so blessed.

- ella faye

beneath sheets of paper lies my truth.

today i moved back into residence for a week.

i love this place - but it doesn't feel the same right now.

maybe it's the lack of sarah, or trevor or mike - you know? that support system? that calm place? i feel like a stranger in the building that was home only two weeks ago.

but, i'm meeting new wonderful people.

alison is a sweetheart, she is the other don for my floor, because I will be back at L'Arche in the fall. she helped me prepare for my session and she just seem fun.

and andrew is wild. i swear i'm always laughing when he's around, and he was friends with mike in the fall term, so i have that connection, you know?

jason has a heart wrenching story. he exudes strength and wisdom, and even though he might be frail, he makes me feel safe.

caitlyn is genuine and lovely. i can't exactly describe her, but i would want to say she's bright.  she has a magnetic quality that makes you feel good when she's in the room.

it's just another page. another journey.

i'm happy. i'm strong. and although i'm out of my comfort zone - i can make the best of this.

who knows - someone here might be my new safe.

- ella faye

don't let the sun be the one to change you baby (i wanna learn how to love)

thank you mom for teaching me to be strong and independent.

thanks dad for making me a critical thinker.

thank you ms. eales for the lessons in acceptance and equality,

and thank you jeff for showing me some people really can give me a fresh start.

thank you bryan for the practice in patience and understanding,

and thank you jared for keeping me a kid at heart.

-

thank you daniel for helping me learn to make tough decisions.

thank you nick for showing me what unconditional love is.

thank you kevin for revealing to me how tough i really am,

and thank you nathan for showing me it's okay to not always get what i want.

thanks sam for being an example of a stable, godly man.

thank you brandon for the lesson in mending burnt bridges.

thanks max for teaching to be realistic about who cares about my heart,

and special thanks to michael for reminding me how beautiful life is.

-

thank you tamara for letting me expose my innermost thoughts to someone.

thank you emma for being a voice of reason.

thanks courtney for teaching me to stand up for myself,

and thank you heidi for all your wisdom and time.

thank you ainsley for being an example of a true, genuine heart.

thank you jeffrey for understanding my frustration - even when no one else did.

thank you nzinga for showing me i'm always loveable.

thank you sarah for letting me trust,

and thank you keegan for teaching me to not give up.

-

i am blessed.

- ella faye

got the radio on, my old bluejeans and i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.

i know yesterday i was feeling all great and happy and light hearted,

but today i feel insecure and vulnerable.

it's weird for me, since so often i'm the queen of cocky, but i can't seem to help it today.

did i mindlessly rush into something?

do i know him as well as i should?

am i being foolish to believe this is going to work?

i had a conversation with daniel earlier this week, and i think a lot of my concerns are triggered from some of the things he said - and i thought they would just go away completely when mike got back and things settled, and yet i still feel vulnerable.

when i dated daniel, i knew he was never going to really leave me. i don't know why i knew that, i just did, i knew i would be the one to end things. it made the relationship seem so safe and secure, and i think that is large part of why i kept asking for him back.

i don't want my relationship with mike to be like my relationship with daniel was. i want it to work, but it's hard. it's hard to commit as whole-heartedly as i want when i'm so afraid of being hurt.

i know i'm being silly and overemotional. mike seems committed to this. he knows what he signed up for. he's just not one of those people who always expresses how he feels.

i need to write that out on the chalkboard like lines in elementary school.

in other news, i bought the "Snuggie Sutra" at Urban Outfitters this weekend.

as i told my brother - "just because i'm not having sex doesn't mean when i do, it shouldn't include my snuggies."

- ella faye

your love is the best sound i have ever heard.

sorry that i suck at writing in transition times in my life.

it was the same between L'Arche and school, and now it's the opposite.

i got a new car to replace the lovely Golddigger, but i will dedicate a whole post to my dearest Romeo soon, I need to get to know him a little better before i can write a post that will do him justice.

i just felt like i should give you a good old update on what is happening in my life,

things are still awesome with mike i'm pretty sure. :) he was away for a week, and i did the whole "anxious, he's going to dump me upon return" thing for a few days, but im mostly over it now, he's back, hasn't dumped me so far, and if he does, it's his loss because i rock.

in other news, i've decided for the most part, my little brother bryan is a legitimate person and we might even be friends if we weren't siblings and were closer in age. don't tell him i told you this, because that would ruin my awesome "im too cool for you" facade i pull with my brothers, but it's true. he might even be cooler if i remotely approved of his girlfriend, but he'll have to learn that lesson on his own (again i might add).

so with a combination of bryan being almost  remotely cool, my awesome sweet boyfriend, my cutie other little brother and my awesome male don team from the summer (Bjarnes, Trevor (Troy?) and the good old boss Jeff), i might not actually hate men anymore.

for the amount of time i've spent hating on guys in this blog - this is quite the revelation.

it came to me the other night when I was at a friend's house for a sort of reunion type thing. i just had a great time. it was innocent, and fun, and just perfect. i've been waiting for some easy, some nice, some great. everything is good.  i'm just so happy with where things are at right now.

i know things won't stay like this forever, but im going to soak up every moment while i can.

- ella faye

life was on our tongues, and it tasted heavenly.

oh hey everyone.

i just have to say, this is my 100th post on this blog.

i never would have imagined back in march when I was looking for an outlet for my feelings and stories that i would create a journal read by people all over the world.

in fact, today so far, on it's own, i've had almost the same amount of hits as i did in the entire first month.

i laugh when i look at the feelings, thoughts and ideas that i had just a few months ago, and how much i've changed. also, i laugh when i realize the most commonly read posts are those to the elusive mystery boy, who managed to capture my heart is such a whole and unique way.

i smile to think of my beloved core members and how i'll be seeing them agains soon. I miss them, but i'm also really going to miss being here. I've had the best term, and met the most amazing people. This moving every four months does not fly with me!

i'm so thankful for this, for you and for my experiences.

thank you for taking time out of your day to care what i care about! i will keep enlightening you with the silly fun stories that make up my life, and i hope you will keep coming back to read them!

you rock an epic amount.

- ella faye

i heart ?

i'm getting cold feet about this whole mystery boy thing.

i'm not used to not being chased. does this all mean he's not that into me?

i don't want to get hurt, but i also don't want to miss a good opportunity.

why won't he give me some sort of sure fire sign that all is well? we haven't even discussed what's happening when/if we go out this weekend, is he avoiding solidifying plans on purpose.

ughhh.

i hate boys.

- ella faye

it's reckless to laugh, pointless to decide.

an express pass into my brain today...

-

when is it right to hold on with all i've got, 

and when is it right to just let it go?

-

when should I follow my heart,

and when should I follow my head?

-

what defines love,

and what defines commitment?

-

when do you know to take a risk,

as opposed to playing it safe?

-

when do I know to stay strong,

and when is it okay just to cry?

-

when is a kiss just an action,

when so often it is a message?

-

what defines a soul,

what defines passion?

-

when do i know i need to make sacrifices,

as opposed to making sure i take care of myself?

- 

why not?

how come?

- ella faye