in the night light, we still shine bright.

no matter how difficult of a time i am in, i am blessed to have the friends and relationships that i do.

my floor is an excellent example of that.

their love for gotcha makes me smile every day.

"dee" always makes me laugh, because she is just crazy. the other day she walked to my door, collapsed halfway in my room and halfway in the hall and exclaimed breathlessly how happy she was to have finished her first ever university essay. i laughed at her and asked her where her sword for gotcha was, and she looked at me in terror, stood up, and without a word booked it back to her room to return to safety. i never would have guessed that she'd grow so attached to her plastic pirate sword.

and "rawn"is super competitive. she bbms me every time she gets someone out of the game, and i swear i can feel her excitement through my phone before I've even read the message. she could very well win this game with her passion for wiping out all the boys still left in the game.

i see girls walking to the washroom with their sword in hand, hear them plotting schemes to tag out other people, and brag to their friends how exciting it is to be a part of this game, and that's the purpose of these sorts of things. it's bringing people together and bringing laughter and excitement to people's lives and time here in residence. 

i didn't tell my floor that yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death, and i'm glad, because instead of being cautious around me all day like some people do, they reminded me that no matter what hardships i've experienced, that i'm so blessed to be afforded the experiences i have, and to be surrounded by the people here.

i know my daddy is watching out for me, there is proof every day in little things like that.

- ella faye

such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun.

in all the heartache and sorrow that i am living here right now,

i really do find moments of pure innocence and joy.

like today, when we decided that Jay, or Jerry, or Michael Jerome, should be participating in Movember.

with blessings from his family, we started a mospace for him.

through all my tears, loneliness and misery,

i'm helping someone make a difference, who couldn't otherwise.

this little man holds such a huge part of my heart. he warms my heart so thoroughly.

so please, check out his mospace. donate, or leave a comment.

you're not only helping a great cause and encouraging a sweet man, you'll also help add that little bit of joy that keeps me going here.

you rock.

http://mobro.co/michaeljerome

- ella faye

how sweet it is.

i'm so sorry that i'm so fail at blogging these days,

having a real life has done that to me i suppose.

i'm tired all the time at work too, i don't know why, but i can hardly stay awake come the evening.

this week i had to cut out leaves.

like, seriously, a hundred leaves.

i hate cutting out detailed things.

i hate cutting out anything really,

my hands actually swell up when i use scissors. i get grouchy and short tempered, it's not a good scene.

but here i was, sitting with Jane and cutting out leaves for two freaking hours.

but you know what?

it wasn't so bad.

i've been having a rougher time these days,

my heart is heavy missing the close support of my friends (and Michael) from school.

i feel left out of all that is happening at the Residence while I waste away in the little no name town that i live it.

but just simply sitting with Jane and listening to her tell me stories about her week, laughing at when I make a mistake and listening to some quiet music was so innocent and beautiful.

i love finding joy in the mundane things of life like that.

awesome.

- ella faye

in the evening, you can catch me daydreaming.

there is something awesome about food.

food is a social thing, it brings people together, it gives us nutrition, it causes some of us anxiety and others peace.

L'Arche is often centred around the table, around dinner, around food.

it's a simple concept really, since everyone in the house is out and about doing different things so often.

today i really got that.

i was making lunch for Jay, myself and my house leader Marie. Normally we just throw together sandwiches and part ways, but today i was feeling adventurous and made a lovely pasta sauce for us.

i haven't eaten lunch with any of the folks in a long time, since usually that's my only time off in the day, but today i took the time just to sit with him and my wonderful boss Marie.

i couldn't tell you what we talked about, or the silly things Jay said - which he has a tendency to do. but i can tell you i'd forgotten how much I really really love being here.

i'd been feeling so stressed and worn thin, but this meal made it up. i remember why i'm back.

and i'm back.

hopefully i'll be able to enlighten you again soon with the silly stories of my life here. i'd been a little lost, but some pasta fixed that.

get ready, life is crazy.

this is how we did shared meal time at school

- ella faye

dance with me darling, the night is falling.

i'm sitting in my kitchen,

with my momma and james, and we've all maybe had one glass of wine too many.

and life is beautiful.

today I drove Anne from our house to her sister's city.

three hours of me, and the core member i struggle with the most.

Anne and I have always clashed. I find her attention seeking behaviours extremely frustrating, and as a result, I tend to be shorter with her than I should be.

but something about checking my rearview mirror and seeing her there sleeping in the back seat just melted my heart.

i never thought i loved her, but evidently i do.

for the first time in my life, i'm realizing how much i adore the people in my life.

i'm realizing how happy i am to have the life that i do, even with my struggles.

things with michael have been so wonderful. in fact, i'm going to fly to calgary to see him in november.

i feel vulnerable, and scared, and happy.

i feel like i love the people around me,

and that i'm loved by them.

-

beauty is in innocence,

and beauty is in accepting moments of shame.

-

beauty is both in laughter and tears.

-

beauty is in the first light of day,

and the first star to appear in the night sky.

-

beauty is in my brothers playing video games,

and my mother holding hands with her new love.

-

beauty is in clothes that don't fit anymore,

and a brand new pair of shoes.

-

start noticing it.

- ella faye

heaven sent a hurricane.

i have some more confessions.

- 

sometimes, i wake up crying of happiness because everything just feels so right.

and sometimes i wake with a sorrowful heart, and have to choose to smile through it.

- 

sometimes,  i eavesdrop on people in starbucks,

because it reminds me how small i really am in this world, 

and how big God is to be aware of it all.

- 

sometimes i act like i think i'm the most beautiful girl in the room,

because it's nice to think someone thinks that, even if it has to be me.

- 

sometimes i go to my room and cry after hugging all my core-members good night,

because i know one of them doesn't remember me each morning, and it breaks my heart.

- 

sometimes I go to a shoe store and find the ugliest pair of shoes I can to try on,

because I think it's hilarious when the salespeople try and tell me they look great and they're a super popular shoe.

-

sometimes i just want to get married and settle down,

and sometimes just the idea of that scares the hell out of me.

- 

sometimes i whisper my true feelings about people while I lay in bed at night,

because I've convinced myself that somehow someday it will get to them and they'll understand me better.

-

sometimes I would go to a specific yoga class to get that super hot instructor,

but then I would avoid him like the plague the entire class.

- 

sometimes I seriously consider applying for the bachelor,

because I feel like it would be an awesome story for my kids (sorry michael, aha).

-

sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to joy I have in life

but I'm sure as heck happy I have it.

-

i am so, so blessed.

- ella faye

not a trace of the sun - but i don't even run from rain.

being back in Arnprior has taught me one thing.

max left more of a mark than i would like to admit.

i'm constantly reminded of the things he said and did,

and how he turned out to be the king of all douchebags.

and the whole thing makes me so incredibly grateful for Michael.

-

i've found someone who listens without trying to fix me.

who laughs with me without ever patronizing me.

who finds joy in my joys, and sorrow in my hardships.

who doesn't wish i was better at the things he is good at.

who loves my friends, and understands i'm a strong independent person. 

who accepts my history and baggage without making assumptions of what that will mean for our relationship.

who isn't trying to turn me into his ideal woman, but who is seeing me as a unique and ideal creation of God.

-

I'm not saying Max, or Daniel, or Kevin didn't do any of those things,

but I didn't realize someone out there could be all of those things.

-

Max - showed me a glimpse of how i deserved to be treated at first, but you showed your true colours at the end.

Kevin at least owned up to the fact that I wasn't right for him, so he really didn't do anything wrong, and not only do I have incredible respect for him, but I wish him all the best with the lovely and wonderful woman he has found. 

Daniel, someday I hope you learn to love someone so wholly that you can be two strong independent people. That just wasn't in our cards, we were young and foolish. All the best. 

-

I like to think Michael will be in my life for a long time. But, there are never any guarantees, and five months is a long time to date from opposite sides of the country. No matter what our outcome is, I've learned an incredible amount in the month we've shared. I'm a lucky girl. 

I guess because I never really got this love growing up, it's coming as such a shock to me. All my years of conditioning that men will always disrespect women, that I am unlovable and that I shouldn't expect gentleness and compassion from the men in my life is wearing off, and turning into a beautiful relationship with one of the best guys i've ever met.

be careful with my heart michael.

- ella faye

i wanna hold you in my arms.

i'm baaaaaccckkkkkk

right back where this whole thing started,

my L'Arche home.

Mostly the same - but a new addition, Keira.


along with all the same joys of being here, the same stressors, in fact, perhaps more so, still surround me.

but, it feels good, i feel good.

with Michael standing behind me (behind me being on the other side of the country, but still a great support system), and some great co-workers (yeah you Scott), I know I can survive another four months here.

I'd forgotten the simplicity of life with the folks, and the beauty of how they perceive things.

we had retreat this past weekend, where we took all our folks to a retreat centre for the night to take a mini vacation.

it was beautiful,

I was sitting with Barrie, a coremember from Max's old house, and some other folks and assistants on Sunday morning, and they were talking about some of the core-members who had moved on from L'Arche to either nursing homes or who'd passes away.

Barrie, an endearing man who has a habit of repeating things, was talking about a friend who had passed on.

"He passed on, he passed away, that guy? he passed away."

and then he goes,

"he's in a box now."

the look on poor Keira's face was precious. death is sacred and taboo for her, and the idea of calling a coffin a box was mortifying for the dear lady.

I'd forgotten the little things like this, that just make me do anything to hold in my laughter.

Barrie was right, he is in a box now, but Keira immediately corrected him and explained for people, it was called a coffin.

how silly right?! why do we need a special name for the box we get buried in? it's no secret what it is! aha, i just had to laugh at how straight forward the folks can be sometimes.

it's good to be back.

i'm sure i'll have many stories to tell in coming days,

i mean, the pee chair is still here, and i have some unfinished business with it.



- ella faye

you've really got me going this time.

i am not a particularly hairy person.

i have fine blonde hair, i can go almost a week without having to consider shaving my legs, and my eyebrows pretty much are as thin as they come naturally,

with the exception of those stupid stupid super fine random dark hairs that grow amidst my eyebrows.

like seriously?! wth?!

so, because i have that date tomorrow and i have to stay up till 2 am for rounds of the residence,

i decided to take on these little buggers.

i decided this was serious, none of this "cheapo tweezers" crap. I dug out my nice, quality tweezers that i keep in a hidden location because i lose tweezers like it's my job.

after a legit amount of pinched skin, one visit from trevor and half an episode of wipe out, i realized this was a hopeless cause.

time to break out the big leagues, facial wax.

i like to keep some on backup in case i ever have a moustache or eyebrow emergency.

i lather on that wax like it's bodywash after hot yoga, with perfect eyebrows in sight. afterall, eyebrows can make or break a date, right?

and, my brows have a great shape, better than they have all term as i've let them "run wild" for the term, which probably no one noticed but me because they are so measly to begin with, but those stupid little hairs are still there.

not.cool.

i mean, they're pretty much growing out of my eyelid! this is not natural!

please, if you have a solution to this issue, this would be a good time to share. i'm an eyebrow maintenance baby and need some guidance through this hard time.

this is seriously stuff man. screw my exam later today, i have eyebrows to maintain!

on a side note: i might need a jesus intervention on this exam. it's likely going to be pretty rough.

anyways, i hope you enjoyed this "for the most part non related to boys blogpost" back by popular demand.

check out those beautiful natural brows on 10 year old me!

- ella faye