she's the muse.

for those of you who don't know,

i am still an RA, aha.

i am once again donning an all girls floor, crazy eh?
i'm wayyyy too awkward for this gig, i'm fortunate that my boss can see beyond that.

it's funny for me this year,
because my whole floor is way cooler than i am.

like, WAY cooler,
cause although i love me, and i embrace all my nerdisms,
i'm kind of a big loser.
an awesome loser,
but still a loser.

i'm awkwardly in awe of how awesome and cool all my girls are,
i'm like an awkward proud momma over here,
just not a hot momma,
like a "mom jeans and 80s glasses" momma,
you know?

either way, i think it'll be awesome,
because they're awesome,
so maybe some of their cool will rub off.

it's going to be a great year.

- ella faye

New Years Eve - Who Knew I'd End Up Here?!

my body has been claimed, soul has been shipped away.

so i'll be frank,

i'm not exactly all about the "literary classics"

i just think writing and fiction has developed a lot in the last 50 years, and that as the world become more literate, more writers are created, and so there are simply more options.

there is a reason Canadian Crusoes is not on this weeks best selling list.

i have to read this freaking book for tuesday for my children's lit class, but it's honestly the most boring book i've ever tried to read. it's like pulling teeth to get myself to read it, hence why i am writing this instead of reading.

don't get me wrong, i really love reading. just not lame books about stupid kids who can't find their way out of the forest (that description honestly makes the book seem way more thrilling than it actually is)

i have so many more important things than this dumb book. i want to find a job for next term, and do readings for other classes (well, maybe that one), and socialize with the first years on my floor.

ughhh.

such is life i suppose.

well, back to reading for now i suppose. i'm definitely ordering pizza later this evening.

- ella fayye

you and i are painting pictures in the sky.

when i think everything around me is crashing down,

he calms my storm.

needless to say, i feel a lot better.

eight days.

which is well needed.

i'm so sick of cleaning poop out from people's finger nails.

it sounds like such an easy task,

but seriously, try getting someone who hates water to soak there hands, and who hates when you touch their fingers to hold still while you clean there nails.

l'arche assistant problemmssssss.

right now, i just fight with a damp cloth. but seriously, it's a sight to see!

me: jay, give me your hand!

jay: NOOOOOOOOO *swats me away*

me: jay, seriously, no one will want to hold your hand if you have poop in your nails,

jay: NOOOOOOOOOOO. *swats me away*

and this continues for like, 20 minutes,

and then, when its done, and he's tried to hit me and push me away,

he looks up at me with his sweet blue eyes and says

"are you okay bebebebbee?"

and it just melts my heart all over again.

my love for him is so deep, i don't even have words for it.

even though i havent touched my essay yet today,

it's a good day

- ella faye

p.s. www.mobro.co/michaeljerome 

seriously, do it.

what is the use of holding back on this much?

i really shouldn't be here blogging,

but leave it to an essay that i must finish by tomorrow to encourage me to post once again.

i find that a lot has been crashing down around me.

i'm tired and lonely here, and it's not getting better. i'm stressed about getting this paper, and the next one done, before my trip out west. and my body is just over it. i'm weak and sore all the time.

also, i'm broke, aha. i've spent the little i had to spare on this wild trip to see michael in calgary. it's a sad day when you call your mom and ask her to mail you a razor because you can't shave your legs because you just can't afford to.

and mom has been so great. she has been such an amazing support, and has backed me 100%. and i'm so, so thankful for her.

but i don't know how i'd be getting by this term without my wonderful man.

you know, ever girl dreams of the guy who will do everything he can to sweep her off her feet. send her chocolates in the mail. write her the most beautiful and eloquent love letters. tell her all the things she wants to hear (and actually mean it!)

and i might have ended up with him.

now, some months down the road i'll likely be blogging about how much of a douchebag he is for breaking my heart, or how he played me all along, or how he's secretly a wanted drug dealer or something, because no one, and no relationship, is this great.

but for now, i'm enjoying every single moment. and, the most i invest now, the more ammo i will have to write epic and amazing hate blogs if he breaks my heart. so really, it's win win for you readers.

i hope you really see my effort to be posting more. i know it's not much, and my posts are subpar, but i've really got to start somewhere, right?

now go invest in something risky, it'll make a good story.

**however, please keep in mind, I will not be help accountable for the loss of money, broken hearts or any other negative consequences to following my advice.

- ella faye

whoa, i'm waiting for the breakdown.

i'm so sorry i haven't been blogging.

truth is, i'm so miserable here this time. i look back at my joys and excitement of the last time i lived here bring even more sorrow to my heart when i just can not seem to find the same light heart i lived before.

i thought that maybe, with my strict house leader gone things might be even better this time. i thought it would be my dream job,

but all that has happened as no one has been keeping my miserable, mean and awful coworker at bay. she's mean to me all the time. nothing i ever do here is right. and even though i do so much laundry, cleaning and care, it goes unnoticed over how anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault.

i find myself on the verge of tears on a regular basis at work. doing all i can to hold up a strong front for the folks. i want to come to you with stories, but at the end up the day, i just want to curl up in my bed and head to my safe sleepland where I can escape the misery I have to live here.

it seems no one has the guts to stand up to her, and I certainly don't. she would just victimize me more, making life here unbearable. so I'm just going to keep trekking on.

I really love the folks so much. I love caring for them, and I love the actual work aspect of my job, but its hard when I'm only every being told my flaws.

I can't wait to visit Michael in Calgary and just be in his arms. To remember what it's like to be around someone who truly values me.

Only two more months till I'm back at school, please don't give up on me!

- ella faye

in the evening, you can catch me daydreaming.

there is something awesome about food.

food is a social thing, it brings people together, it gives us nutrition, it causes some of us anxiety and others peace.

L'Arche is often centred around the table, around dinner, around food.

it's a simple concept really, since everyone in the house is out and about doing different things so often.

today i really got that.

i was making lunch for Jay, myself and my house leader Marie. Normally we just throw together sandwiches and part ways, but today i was feeling adventurous and made a lovely pasta sauce for us.

i haven't eaten lunch with any of the folks in a long time, since usually that's my only time off in the day, but today i took the time just to sit with him and my wonderful boss Marie.

i couldn't tell you what we talked about, or the silly things Jay said - which he has a tendency to do. but i can tell you i'd forgotten how much I really really love being here.

i'd been feeling so stressed and worn thin, but this meal made it up. i remember why i'm back.

and i'm back.

hopefully i'll be able to enlighten you again soon with the silly stories of my life here. i'd been a little lost, but some pasta fixed that.

get ready, life is crazy.

this is how we did shared meal time at school

- ella faye

i wanna hold you in my arms.

i'm baaaaaccckkkkkk

right back where this whole thing started,

my L'Arche home.

Mostly the same - but a new addition, Keira.


along with all the same joys of being here, the same stressors, in fact, perhaps more so, still surround me.

but, it feels good, i feel good.

with Michael standing behind me (behind me being on the other side of the country, but still a great support system), and some great co-workers (yeah you Scott), I know I can survive another four months here.

I'd forgotten the simplicity of life with the folks, and the beauty of how they perceive things.

we had retreat this past weekend, where we took all our folks to a retreat centre for the night to take a mini vacation.

it was beautiful,

I was sitting with Barrie, a coremember from Max's old house, and some other folks and assistants on Sunday morning, and they were talking about some of the core-members who had moved on from L'Arche to either nursing homes or who'd passes away.

Barrie, an endearing man who has a habit of repeating things, was talking about a friend who had passed on.

"He passed on, he passed away, that guy? he passed away."

and then he goes,

"he's in a box now."

the look on poor Keira's face was precious. death is sacred and taboo for her, and the idea of calling a coffin a box was mortifying for the dear lady.

I'd forgotten the little things like this, that just make me do anything to hold in my laughter.

Barrie was right, he is in a box now, but Keira immediately corrected him and explained for people, it was called a coffin.

how silly right?! why do we need a special name for the box we get buried in? it's no secret what it is! aha, i just had to laugh at how straight forward the folks can be sometimes.

it's good to be back.

i'm sure i'll have many stories to tell in coming days,

i mean, the pee chair is still here, and i have some unfinished business with it.



- ella faye

except for number one, write love. gamble everything.

let me tell you about one of my favourite people on the face of the earth.

florian kamhuber.

he has not had the best experience in the last few months. first, having to become a champion staff person and taking over a lot of responsibility when his boss was sick - then suffering from a concussion - then being diagnosed with post concussion syndrome - then having to make the decision to go home to germany because his sick leave would take up most of his time here in canada - then having to tell people.

he is just the sweetest, most genuine guy I think i've ever met. He's just so awesome. I'm heartbroken that I won't be able to spend time going on adventures with him in september. I'm sad that our last goodbye anded up being our last goodbye. I'm sad that he's going through such a rough time!

he's one of those people who deserve everything good to happen to them in life, because he just puts so much effort into making other people happy.

we used to watch 1000waystodie together, and just laugh and laugh at the ridiculous stories this show provides. and he likes martinis not beer. and he's a good cook, makes a mean pasta salad (like seriously, one of the best pasta salads i've ever eaten) and he's just generally all around amazing.

i'm super lucky to have met him, in fact, my life is probably better than yours solely on his part aha. but honestly, i wish i could meet more people like flo.

selfishly, i'm upset because i'm scared of being lonely when i return to L'Arche in the fall. I know i will still have other coworkers that I love, but I was nice to have someone with the same time off as me to go on adventures with. I was counting on him to help bridge the gap between me and the new staff to help me make new friends there. Now, there are no guarantees. My first month at L'arche was so incredibly lonely and miserable. My biggest fear is to go through that all again, and I know it's super selfish, but I wish Flo would still be there to help me out.

I know he's making the best choice, and I totally don't blame him! but I will miss him super much. I don't know if L'Arche can top him (no offence to my future potential friends who will potentially have his job).

Since I know you're reading this Flo. You rock. You're hot, hilarious and awesome, and I look forward to visiting you back home. Don't forget me, and have safe travels!

- ella faye