you sound like just a Judas.

max messaged me this week.
maybe that is one of the reasons i feel so insecure these days.

why does someone who treated me the way he did at the end of our relationship care how i am doing now?

well max, i'm doing great, amazing actually. Frankly, it's your loss that you refused to kiss me goodbye, because i'm a dang good kisser.

i fell for him harder than i wanted too, and i paid the price for it. maybe i will always be concerned about my current boyfriend's friends who are female, but i trusted max and he kissed someone else.

and if you're reading this, i really do you hope you find a girl that you can commit too. someone you're crazy about, and who is worth making effort for, even when it's not easy or convenient.

my life is just as crazy as ever, and i'm glad i've returned to sharing it.

- ella fayye

you were the best i didn't know i didn't have.

i'm not bitter, but i've had better days.

here is a list of things that i now look for in a future partner after living with sam, my awful coworker:

1. someone who shares the housework. i'm sick of cleaning while someone sits their ass in front of the food network all day.

2. someone who gives me the benefit of doubt - just because something is broken, doesn't mean i broke it.

3. someone who keeps me company - instead of doing the minimal amount of work possible and then disappearing to their room.

4. someone who enjoys my baking - i make delicious cookies, even if you only ate one i'd be a happy lady.

5. someone who gives me a break sometimes when i'm having a rough day.

6. someone who doesn't make me feel abandoned.

7. someone to support me emotionally, sometimes i just need to talk things out.

i don't think i'm asking too much.

i've got what i need, just on the other side of the country.

i'm feeling jaded today. two days in a row, she's bailed on me, leaving me to take over the majority of the chores and handling the house along. she just came off of vacation, and i've been working two months straight!

oh well, only two more sleeps till i'll finally be reunited with my love.

- ella faye

i'm a ghost, haunting these halls.

sometimes it's time for me to flashback to highschool.

today was that time apparently.

we were hanging pictures in the house, after coming across a few boxes of pictures of the folks from a long time ago. along with them, is this picture of Jean Vanier.

Vanier created L'Arche, and i've noticed people in L'Arche quote his books like the bible. It's actually a little uncomfortable, because to me, Vanier isn't God, and it's weird that he's kind of treated that way. But anyways, this picture is supposed to be up in the house.

we looked around the house and found an ideal location, because it would be kind of out of the way where people wouldn't have to really see it, but leadership would be able to see it and be happy that we had put it up.

unfortunately, I had to hang over the edge of a ledge to hang it.

flashback to grade 9 hanging lights in the caf with Court and Katherine. Hanging over the ledge of the cherry picker, and hoping to God that none of the teachers came in and saw, because otherwise I'd have to come down, and move the cherry picker, when if i just took a little risk, i could totally hang that light.

or, climbing up our sketchville ladder to hang on the teasers, and being yelled at by the VP.

or whatever, whatever i ended up doing with crew.

i miss that. the team, who all spent a weird amount of time together.

taking risks and staying at the school till all hours of the night.

and even though i really kind of hate it here, sometimes i'm reminded that I will always be crazy old me, and that can be a great thing, no matter where i am.

- ella faye

you and i are painting pictures in the sky.

when i think everything around me is crashing down,

he calms my storm.

needless to say, i feel a lot better.

eight days.

which is well needed.

i'm so sick of cleaning poop out from people's finger nails.

it sounds like such an easy task,

but seriously, try getting someone who hates water to soak there hands, and who hates when you touch their fingers to hold still while you clean there nails.

l'arche assistant problemmssssss.

right now, i just fight with a damp cloth. but seriously, it's a sight to see!

me: jay, give me your hand!

jay: NOOOOOOOOO *swats me away*

me: jay, seriously, no one will want to hold your hand if you have poop in your nails,

jay: NOOOOOOOOOOO. *swats me away*

and this continues for like, 20 minutes,

and then, when its done, and he's tried to hit me and push me away,

he looks up at me with his sweet blue eyes and says

"are you okay bebebebbee?"

and it just melts my heart all over again.

my love for him is so deep, i don't even have words for it.

even though i havent touched my essay yet today,

it's a good day

- ella faye

p.s. www.mobro.co/michaeljerome 

seriously, do it.

patient anticipation

ten days.

in ten days, i will hopefully be finished this damn essay that really makes no sense to me.

and away from my stupid coworker,

and also away from the hardheaded coremembers that i've been clashing with.

and i will be back in the arms of my wonderful boyfriend.

and for a whole week, dispensing meds, missing finances and staff drama will sink to the back of my mind, and i can just enjoy the company i long for so much.

i never thought that coming back here would make me so miserable!

but i'm still learning lessons.

i mean, being here has taught me how much i appreciate my loved ones, and how much i've taken my experiences for granted.

i thought things always just worked out in the long run, and they will in time, but this term, i would say, coop has not worked out for me in the long run.

but im starting to find myself in good spirits again.

in ten days, the man i might be falling in love with will be next to me. and i'll be reminded that someone out there values me.

some things you just need to tough on through.

- ella faye

what is the use of holding back on this much?

i really shouldn't be here blogging,

but leave it to an essay that i must finish by tomorrow to encourage me to post once again.

i find that a lot has been crashing down around me.

i'm tired and lonely here, and it's not getting better. i'm stressed about getting this paper, and the next one done, before my trip out west. and my body is just over it. i'm weak and sore all the time.

also, i'm broke, aha. i've spent the little i had to spare on this wild trip to see michael in calgary. it's a sad day when you call your mom and ask her to mail you a razor because you can't shave your legs because you just can't afford to.

and mom has been so great. she has been such an amazing support, and has backed me 100%. and i'm so, so thankful for her.

but i don't know how i'd be getting by this term without my wonderful man.

you know, ever girl dreams of the guy who will do everything he can to sweep her off her feet. send her chocolates in the mail. write her the most beautiful and eloquent love letters. tell her all the things she wants to hear (and actually mean it!)

and i might have ended up with him.

now, some months down the road i'll likely be blogging about how much of a douchebag he is for breaking my heart, or how he played me all along, or how he's secretly a wanted drug dealer or something, because no one, and no relationship, is this great.

but for now, i'm enjoying every single moment. and, the most i invest now, the more ammo i will have to write epic and amazing hate blogs if he breaks my heart. so really, it's win win for you readers.

i hope you really see my effort to be posting more. i know it's not much, and my posts are subpar, but i've really got to start somewhere, right?

now go invest in something risky, it'll make a good story.

**however, please keep in mind, I will not be help accountable for the loss of money, broken hearts or any other negative consequences to following my advice.

- ella faye

such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun.

in all the heartache and sorrow that i am living here right now,

i really do find moments of pure innocence and joy.

like today, when we decided that Jay, or Jerry, or Michael Jerome, should be participating in Movember.

with blessings from his family, we started a mospace for him.

through all my tears, loneliness and misery,

i'm helping someone make a difference, who couldn't otherwise.

this little man holds such a huge part of my heart. he warms my heart so thoroughly.

so please, check out his mospace. donate, or leave a comment.

you're not only helping a great cause and encouraging a sweet man, you'll also help add that little bit of joy that keeps me going here.

you rock.

http://mobro.co/michaeljerome

- ella faye

whoa, i'm waiting for the breakdown.

i'm so sorry i haven't been blogging.

truth is, i'm so miserable here this time. i look back at my joys and excitement of the last time i lived here bring even more sorrow to my heart when i just can not seem to find the same light heart i lived before.

i thought that maybe, with my strict house leader gone things might be even better this time. i thought it would be my dream job,

but all that has happened as no one has been keeping my miserable, mean and awful coworker at bay. she's mean to me all the time. nothing i ever do here is right. and even though i do so much laundry, cleaning and care, it goes unnoticed over how anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault.

i find myself on the verge of tears on a regular basis at work. doing all i can to hold up a strong front for the folks. i want to come to you with stories, but at the end up the day, i just want to curl up in my bed and head to my safe sleepland where I can escape the misery I have to live here.

it seems no one has the guts to stand up to her, and I certainly don't. she would just victimize me more, making life here unbearable. so I'm just going to keep trekking on.

I really love the folks so much. I love caring for them, and I love the actual work aspect of my job, but its hard when I'm only every being told my flaws.

I can't wait to visit Michael in Calgary and just be in his arms. To remember what it's like to be around someone who truly values me.

Only two more months till I'm back at school, please don't give up on me!

- ella faye

so why you looking so nervous? you know you're gonna deserve this.

it's evident that more than just the pee chair had not been cleaned since i left in April.

today, I surrendered to the pee chair.

i accept that no matter how many lysol wipes, no matter how much scrubbing and no matter how much fiddling with that zipper, that pee chair will be eternally dirty.

i sprayed her down intensely with lysol today, and man did she ever need it! i could pretty much hear it's screams in terror as it shed it's grimy skin. And yet, when I wiped her down again later it was as though we'd never had that previous encounter. i'm pretty sure the chair actually produces it's own grime!

but then, i had to take on a new challenge.

rumour had it around town there was a new source of disgust in town - the washing machine.

in a house with eight people, and a fair share incontinence, the washing machine is a happening joint in this town. the party usually starts around 8am with wake up and goes nonstop until till we hit the hay around 8 in the eveningtime.

so the buzz spread quickly when folks heard i was going to challenge this washer to a cleanliness duel.

i prepared myself for the worst; sloppy clothes, protective gloves, lysol in multiple forms and a full roll of paper towel. but i could never have been prepared enough for the challenge that lay ahead.

you see, a front loading washer like the one here, has a rubber ring around the front, to help seal the washer door closed. but, ladies and gents, water gets into the creases of such rubber ring. and sits there, and turns itself into a substance much like the way i would imagine a pokemon like Grimer to be made out of. A dark, slimy, stench filled sludge. blechh.

i scrubbed as much as i could between gags. and had a variety of weird flashbacks to a variety of previous pee chair incidents - but i kept fighting.

i did my best. i cleaned with all i had in me. and for now, i think i'm in control, we'll see how my work holds up.

it's hard, but i'm doing my best to look up today.

- ella faye

how sweet it is.

i'm so sorry that i'm so fail at blogging these days,

having a real life has done that to me i suppose.

i'm tired all the time at work too, i don't know why, but i can hardly stay awake come the evening.

this week i had to cut out leaves.

like, seriously, a hundred leaves.

i hate cutting out detailed things.

i hate cutting out anything really,

my hands actually swell up when i use scissors. i get grouchy and short tempered, it's not a good scene.

but here i was, sitting with Jane and cutting out leaves for two freaking hours.

but you know what?

it wasn't so bad.

i've been having a rougher time these days,

my heart is heavy missing the close support of my friends (and Michael) from school.

i feel left out of all that is happening at the Residence while I waste away in the little no name town that i live it.

but just simply sitting with Jane and listening to her tell me stories about her week, laughing at when I make a mistake and listening to some quiet music was so innocent and beautiful.

i love finding joy in the mundane things of life like that.

awesome.

- ella faye

in the evening, you can catch me daydreaming.

there is something awesome about food.

food is a social thing, it brings people together, it gives us nutrition, it causes some of us anxiety and others peace.

L'Arche is often centred around the table, around dinner, around food.

it's a simple concept really, since everyone in the house is out and about doing different things so often.

today i really got that.

i was making lunch for Jay, myself and my house leader Marie. Normally we just throw together sandwiches and part ways, but today i was feeling adventurous and made a lovely pasta sauce for us.

i haven't eaten lunch with any of the folks in a long time, since usually that's my only time off in the day, but today i took the time just to sit with him and my wonderful boss Marie.

i couldn't tell you what we talked about, or the silly things Jay said - which he has a tendency to do. but i can tell you i'd forgotten how much I really really love being here.

i'd been feeling so stressed and worn thin, but this meal made it up. i remember why i'm back.

and i'm back.

hopefully i'll be able to enlighten you again soon with the silly stories of my life here. i'd been a little lost, but some pasta fixed that.

get ready, life is crazy.

this is how we did shared meal time at school

- ella faye

lookie who is is comin', who? (you've got that somethin')

sorry that i suck at blogging these days,

i haven't been feeling as inspired as i used to be.

i don't know why, i still love the folks, and i still see quirks in my everyday life, but for some reason it seems to be getting lost in all the stress and craziness of the house.

but i'm going to try harder, I promise

(and at least I'm still doing better than you Em! aha)

but I did realize some hilarity in my life today,

in the form of my hickville dirt next door neighbours.

the neighbours i called the cops on when they were setting off fireworks on their front lawn underneath the phone lines.

or the neighbours that brought me an incredible amount of laughter when I got to play "how many cars do the next door neighbours actually have" last spring when the snow melted and revealed more and more hidden automobiles.

and then, last week, I drove by to see one of the children (no one is really confident how many children actually live here) on the front lawn naked climbing into one of the unusable vehicles. I might have peed myself a little I was laughing so hard, does this 13 year old kid have no pride?!

well anyways, last spring I counted 9 vehicles on their property, and this year there is less, around 5. However, a new, significantly more beat up vehicle has now made it on to the lot.

and yet, i see the dad working on this piece of junk all the time! the front is wrecked, the driver's door has been replaced and the rear bumper is a piece of abstract art, so of all the vehicles for my crazy neighbour to try and make work, why would he pick this one?

but it occurred to me was i was sitting on the couch in the living room after dinner today.

that car needs the most care - he doesn't see them as simple stupid wastes of time like I might, they're his projects, and this one needs the most attention right now.

aren't we all kind of like that?

sometimes i look at my life and think, i've been that junker, the big waste of time.

growing up being told you're useless and not worth it gets to you, and then add being hit and thrown around a bit and you've got quite the fragile young girl.

but people took the time for me, and helped fixed me up. made me the stronger and independent woman that i am today.

I don't know why people chose to invest in me, when it would have been way easier to brush me aside and take the time on people with more evident potential,

but i'm thankful that they did.

so, you go for it awkward redneck neighbour next door.

you fix that car!

- ella faye

the sun, the moon, and all their light.

Anne didn't have a great week.

I mean, she's getting older, and her life is super busy,

and she hurt her hip on Thursday and Friday she was the queen of grouch.

Sometimes life is not fair. When you are tired, lonely. lost and frustrated, the punches continue to get thrown.

There has been a lot of changes in the house, with Jay's needs changing, the staff is tired, worn down and the folks aren't all getting the same one on one attention that they used too.

Anne's life is in transition, and she didn't need a sore hip to add to the chaos.

 -

I can connect with her. Because my life is in transition right now too. Im lonely, I miss having Michael, Miguel, Kassym, Shale, Chris, Janice, Elizabeth and Trevor at a stones throw. I miss being able to walk upstairs and as for a hug when my heart is aching. I miss being able to drive home when life gets to be too much. I miss having someone to laugh with all the time.

I'm trying to be so strong here, but sometimes I feel like it was foolish to come back.

The amount I'd give to be able to play a game of euchre, or hold Michael's hand right now is ridiculous.

But, last night when I was reflecting on the week with Anne, she said she was happy.

she didn't know why, but she was.

I almost cried! I see a million reasons for her to be upset, and angry. I wouldn't blame her for a single second!

But, it was all forgotten, and she only recalled the highlights of her week.

I want to live like that. I try, but I can always improve.

I wish I could capture her beauty and innocence in that moment for you to really see an understand.

Life and L'Arche are beautiful.

- ella faye

i wanna hold you in my arms.

i'm baaaaaccckkkkkk

right back where this whole thing started,

my L'Arche home.

Mostly the same - but a new addition, Keira.


along with all the same joys of being here, the same stressors, in fact, perhaps more so, still surround me.

but, it feels good, i feel good.

with Michael standing behind me (behind me being on the other side of the country, but still a great support system), and some great co-workers (yeah you Scott), I know I can survive another four months here.

I'd forgotten the simplicity of life with the folks, and the beauty of how they perceive things.

we had retreat this past weekend, where we took all our folks to a retreat centre for the night to take a mini vacation.

it was beautiful,

I was sitting with Barrie, a coremember from Max's old house, and some other folks and assistants on Sunday morning, and they were talking about some of the core-members who had moved on from L'Arche to either nursing homes or who'd passes away.

Barrie, an endearing man who has a habit of repeating things, was talking about a friend who had passed on.

"He passed on, he passed away, that guy? he passed away."

and then he goes,

"he's in a box now."

the look on poor Keira's face was precious. death is sacred and taboo for her, and the idea of calling a coffin a box was mortifying for the dear lady.

I'd forgotten the little things like this, that just make me do anything to hold in my laughter.

Barrie was right, he is in a box now, but Keira immediately corrected him and explained for people, it was called a coffin.

how silly right?! why do we need a special name for the box we get buried in? it's no secret what it is! aha, i just had to laugh at how straight forward the folks can be sometimes.

it's good to be back.

i'm sure i'll have many stories to tell in coming days,

i mean, the pee chair is still here, and i have some unfinished business with it.



- ella faye

beneath sheets of paper lies my truth.

today i moved back into residence for a week.

i love this place - but it doesn't feel the same right now.

maybe it's the lack of sarah, or trevor or mike - you know? that support system? that calm place? i feel like a stranger in the building that was home only two weeks ago.

but, i'm meeting new wonderful people.

alison is a sweetheart, she is the other don for my floor, because I will be back at L'Arche in the fall. she helped me prepare for my session and she just seem fun.

and andrew is wild. i swear i'm always laughing when he's around, and he was friends with mike in the fall term, so i have that connection, you know?

jason has a heart wrenching story. he exudes strength and wisdom, and even though he might be frail, he makes me feel safe.

caitlyn is genuine and lovely. i can't exactly describe her, but i would want to say she's bright.  she has a magnetic quality that makes you feel good when she's in the room.

it's just another page. another journey.

i'm happy. i'm strong. and although i'm out of my comfort zone - i can make the best of this.

who knows - someone here might be my new safe.

- ella faye

except for number one, write love. gamble everything.

let me tell you about one of my favourite people on the face of the earth.

florian kamhuber.

he has not had the best experience in the last few months. first, having to become a champion staff person and taking over a lot of responsibility when his boss was sick - then suffering from a concussion - then being diagnosed with post concussion syndrome - then having to make the decision to go home to germany because his sick leave would take up most of his time here in canada - then having to tell people.

he is just the sweetest, most genuine guy I think i've ever met. He's just so awesome. I'm heartbroken that I won't be able to spend time going on adventures with him in september. I'm sad that our last goodbye anded up being our last goodbye. I'm sad that he's going through such a rough time!

he's one of those people who deserve everything good to happen to them in life, because he just puts so much effort into making other people happy.

we used to watch 1000waystodie together, and just laugh and laugh at the ridiculous stories this show provides. and he likes martinis not beer. and he's a good cook, makes a mean pasta salad (like seriously, one of the best pasta salads i've ever eaten) and he's just generally all around amazing.

i'm super lucky to have met him, in fact, my life is probably better than yours solely on his part aha. but honestly, i wish i could meet more people like flo.

selfishly, i'm upset because i'm scared of being lonely when i return to L'Arche in the fall. I know i will still have other coworkers that I love, but I was nice to have someone with the same time off as me to go on adventures with. I was counting on him to help bridge the gap between me and the new staff to help me make new friends there. Now, there are no guarantees. My first month at L'arche was so incredibly lonely and miserable. My biggest fear is to go through that all again, and I know it's super selfish, but I wish Flo would still be there to help me out.

I know he's making the best choice, and I totally don't blame him! but I will miss him super much. I don't know if L'Arche can top him (no offence to my future potential friends who will potentially have his job).

Since I know you're reading this Flo. You rock. You're hot, hilarious and awesome, and I look forward to visiting you back home. Don't forget me, and have safe travels!

- ella faye