such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun.

in all the heartache and sorrow that i am living here right now,

i really do find moments of pure innocence and joy.

like today, when we decided that Jay, or Jerry, or Michael Jerome, should be participating in Movember.

with blessings from his family, we started a mospace for him.

through all my tears, loneliness and misery,

i'm helping someone make a difference, who couldn't otherwise.

this little man holds such a huge part of my heart. he warms my heart so thoroughly.

so please, check out his mospace. donate, or leave a comment.

you're not only helping a great cause and encouraging a sweet man, you'll also help add that little bit of joy that keeps me going here.

you rock.

http://mobro.co/michaeljerome

- ella faye

baby, please come home.

i am so lonely here.

as i sit here enjoying Cake Walk wayyy too much on my Saturday night,

my heart still aches.

i know i've been the worst blogger ever, i keep saying i'm getting out of the slumps but then not following through on my promise to improve my blogging,

but I keep just finding myself here.

sitting alone in my living room.

and feeling so, so alone.

i want more than anything to be able to crawl into my boyfriends arms and be held,
or to meet up with a friend for coffee,
or to walk up to loft to play a game of euchre.

i feel like i've taken having friends close to me for advantage my whole life.

even last term, i had max and florian. when I just needed to vent and cry or drink (don't judge until you've done this job aha) i had someone close. I know I have Scott here, and he's great, but we're at different places in life, and i'm just a passing thing. I dont know, it just doesn't feel the same I guess.

it's hard too because i don't always want to express how i feel. when michael is out with his friends, and asks how my night is going, I don't want to be like "miserable, I'm sitting here crying watching crappy reality television and eating celery sticks." No one likes a miserable texter. But hourly updates about how much fun he is having with the guys is only fuelling my loneliness fire.

sidebar: i've gone from cake walk to Jersey Shore with french voiceovers. I'm actually ashamed of myself right now.

the amount i would give to flash back and crawl into my residence bed knowing i was in a building full of people who love and support me is unreal.

i'm working on it, i am, thank you for your patience.

- ella faye

how sweet it is.

i'm so sorry that i'm so fail at blogging these days,

having a real life has done that to me i suppose.

i'm tired all the time at work too, i don't know why, but i can hardly stay awake come the evening.

this week i had to cut out leaves.

like, seriously, a hundred leaves.

i hate cutting out detailed things.

i hate cutting out anything really,

my hands actually swell up when i use scissors. i get grouchy and short tempered, it's not a good scene.

but here i was, sitting with Jane and cutting out leaves for two freaking hours.

but you know what?

it wasn't so bad.

i've been having a rougher time these days,

my heart is heavy missing the close support of my friends (and Michael) from school.

i feel left out of all that is happening at the Residence while I waste away in the little no name town that i live it.

but just simply sitting with Jane and listening to her tell me stories about her week, laughing at when I make a mistake and listening to some quiet music was so innocent and beautiful.

i love finding joy in the mundane things of life like that.

awesome.

- ella faye

not a trace of the sun - but i don't even run from rain.

being back in Arnprior has taught me one thing.

max left more of a mark than i would like to admit.

i'm constantly reminded of the things he said and did,

and how he turned out to be the king of all douchebags.

and the whole thing makes me so incredibly grateful for Michael.

-

i've found someone who listens without trying to fix me.

who laughs with me without ever patronizing me.

who finds joy in my joys, and sorrow in my hardships.

who doesn't wish i was better at the things he is good at.

who loves my friends, and understands i'm a strong independent person. 

who accepts my history and baggage without making assumptions of what that will mean for our relationship.

who isn't trying to turn me into his ideal woman, but who is seeing me as a unique and ideal creation of God.

-

I'm not saying Max, or Daniel, or Kevin didn't do any of those things,

but I didn't realize someone out there could be all of those things.

-

Max - showed me a glimpse of how i deserved to be treated at first, but you showed your true colours at the end.

Kevin at least owned up to the fact that I wasn't right for him, so he really didn't do anything wrong, and not only do I have incredible respect for him, but I wish him all the best with the lovely and wonderful woman he has found. 

Daniel, someday I hope you learn to love someone so wholly that you can be two strong independent people. That just wasn't in our cards, we were young and foolish. All the best. 

-

I like to think Michael will be in my life for a long time. But, there are never any guarantees, and five months is a long time to date from opposite sides of the country. No matter what our outcome is, I've learned an incredible amount in the month we've shared. I'm a lucky girl. 

I guess because I never really got this love growing up, it's coming as such a shock to me. All my years of conditioning that men will always disrespect women, that I am unlovable and that I shouldn't expect gentleness and compassion from the men in my life is wearing off, and turning into a beautiful relationship with one of the best guys i've ever met.

be careful with my heart michael.

- ella faye

beneath sheets of paper lies my truth.

today i moved back into residence for a week.

i love this place - but it doesn't feel the same right now.

maybe it's the lack of sarah, or trevor or mike - you know? that support system? that calm place? i feel like a stranger in the building that was home only two weeks ago.

but, i'm meeting new wonderful people.

alison is a sweetheart, she is the other don for my floor, because I will be back at L'Arche in the fall. she helped me prepare for my session and she just seem fun.

and andrew is wild. i swear i'm always laughing when he's around, and he was friends with mike in the fall term, so i have that connection, you know?

jason has a heart wrenching story. he exudes strength and wisdom, and even though he might be frail, he makes me feel safe.

caitlyn is genuine and lovely. i can't exactly describe her, but i would want to say she's bright.  she has a magnetic quality that makes you feel good when she's in the room.

it's just another page. another journey.

i'm happy. i'm strong. and although i'm out of my comfort zone - i can make the best of this.

who knows - someone here might be my new safe.

- ella faye

your love is the best sound i have ever heard.

sorry that i suck at writing in transition times in my life.

it was the same between L'Arche and school, and now it's the opposite.

i got a new car to replace the lovely Golddigger, but i will dedicate a whole post to my dearest Romeo soon, I need to get to know him a little better before i can write a post that will do him justice.

i just felt like i should give you a good old update on what is happening in my life,

things are still awesome with mike i'm pretty sure. :) he was away for a week, and i did the whole "anxious, he's going to dump me upon return" thing for a few days, but im mostly over it now, he's back, hasn't dumped me so far, and if he does, it's his loss because i rock.

in other news, i've decided for the most part, my little brother bryan is a legitimate person and we might even be friends if we weren't siblings and were closer in age. don't tell him i told you this, because that would ruin my awesome "im too cool for you" facade i pull with my brothers, but it's true. he might even be cooler if i remotely approved of his girlfriend, but he'll have to learn that lesson on his own (again i might add).

so with a combination of bryan being almost  remotely cool, my awesome sweet boyfriend, my cutie other little brother and my awesome male don team from the summer (Bjarnes, Trevor (Troy?) and the good old boss Jeff), i might not actually hate men anymore.

for the amount of time i've spent hating on guys in this blog - this is quite the revelation.

it came to me the other night when I was at a friend's house for a sort of reunion type thing. i just had a great time. it was innocent, and fun, and just perfect. i've been waiting for some easy, some nice, some great. everything is good.  i'm just so happy with where things are at right now.

i know things won't stay like this forever, but im going to soak up every moment while i can.

- ella faye

life was on our tongues, and it tasted heavenly.

oh hey everyone.

i just have to say, this is my 100th post on this blog.

i never would have imagined back in march when I was looking for an outlet for my feelings and stories that i would create a journal read by people all over the world.

in fact, today so far, on it's own, i've had almost the same amount of hits as i did in the entire first month.

i laugh when i look at the feelings, thoughts and ideas that i had just a few months ago, and how much i've changed. also, i laugh when i realize the most commonly read posts are those to the elusive mystery boy, who managed to capture my heart is such a whole and unique way.

i smile to think of my beloved core members and how i'll be seeing them agains soon. I miss them, but i'm also really going to miss being here. I've had the best term, and met the most amazing people. This moving every four months does not fly with me!

i'm so thankful for this, for you and for my experiences.

thank you for taking time out of your day to care what i care about! i will keep enlightening you with the silly fun stories that make up my life, and i hope you will keep coming back to read them!

you rock an epic amount.

- ella faye

silence reveals where we really are.

so this super cute, nice guy in my residence made a bet with me.

and for those of you who know me well, I don't lose bets (within reason).

i have to run 5km.

i might actually die before i win this, but i'm seriously going to try until my death. i hate losing that much.

i really, really hate running - a lot.

but, i am learning something,

the more i run, the closer i find myself drawing to God - how random!

i pump up my worship playlist (with the exception of this morning's run - which I did significantly worse at...) and just go for it, i think the idea of honouring God take the focus of my pain.

this dare is seriously enhancing my worship time - i know, it's nuts.

but it's pretty awesome. i might not win over mystery boy by improving my athleticism (although it is an ulterior motive), i might not lose all the extra weight i gained after my dad died (but it sure isn't hurting that goal), and i might not even win the dare, but I know i'm benefitting.

also, a girl in my program is running with me.  it's nice. she's someone i really wouldn't have guessed in first year i'd end up friends with - after, i'd never been drunk and they had messy monday - freaky fridays (or something along those lines, aha) on her residence floor. but she's pretty hilarious and awesome. and it even works out because although she's a significantly better runner, my legs are twice as long, so my slow pace works out for her.

silly mike doesn't even know how much i'm gaining from this dare. i'm pretty sure i'll win two fold (watching him come to my hot yoga class when I win will be one more benefit). it's funny how things work out like that sometimes, what a great couple of surprises.

now - studying for my exam on saturday. i love you all, but this blog might be the downfall of my marks this term :P

- ella faye

she takes my money - when i'm in need.

i have the most awesome car to ever exist on the face of this earth,

she is the Golddigger.

She is a 2002, Dream Cruiser 1. A special edition bright Gold version of the PT cruiser, that comes equipped with gold inlay in the leather seats, "Dream Cruiser" rims and a Grammy Nominees of 2001 CD in the CD player - including the ever so fabulous clean version of "The Real Slim Shady". This car is anyone's dream car.

I have a lot of fond memories in that car - cruising around whitby with the sunroof down and Courtney and Heidi belting along to Ke$ha with me, venturing into Montreal with Max and Florian, picking my drunk friends up at the beach only to be argued with about who's water bottle I brought with me, chats with Daniel driving to and from Waterloo. She is cherished and loved by many.

Unfortunately, late at night on Saturday July 23rd, some drunk, foolish hooligans decided the Golddigger was not worth the respect of just walking on by. They climbed on top of my car and jumped on the roof - caving it in. With $4500 of damage done to my beloved car, this seems to have overcome her, and she will be moving on to car heaven in the near future. I have decided to be a responsible mother, and I am donating her parts so she can save the lives of other cars around the world. Our loss with help make other car owners exceedingly happy with news that they can now be given a much needed car transplant.

She is in stable condition, and is still with me here in Waterloo. She is accepting visits from August 6th until she is put down - the date for this is still unknown. Thank you all for your support and condolences in this time, on behalf of the Golddigger herself, and the rest of our family, we are incredibly grateful for all your love and support.

She will be missed - but her legacy will live on.

- ella faye

and i'm not doing this alone.

i'm horribly terrified of bats.

i can handle snakes, spiders, dirt, power tools, fire pits, heights, vomit (and drunk people in general), no sleep, catty girls and a variety of other things,

but I can't do bats.

which is particularly interesting because the building in which I am a don, has a bat problem.

it's hard to be a good role model and take charge of a situation when the thing i am most terrified of is flying around my head and i'm doing everything i can not to pee my pants out of fear.

Fortunately, I've only had to handle a bat once this summer. And although the Incident Report expresses a casual tone of control and calmness, really, I screamed and cried while the guys I lived with chased down the bat, and finally, one resident (who i'm pretty sure is cool enough to have his own TV show) trapped it in a pillowcase with no problem - apparently he had a summer job once trapping animals - what a champ.

Bats are one of the many fears I've had to handle facing this term.

Rejection is another. People often ask me why I don't just ask mystery boy out - the answer? I'm scared. I'm a pretty embarrassing person afterall - sometimes i spit food out when I laugh at dinner, sometimes I fall on my face when just walking normally, sometimes my stories fail at being even remotely funny.

Failure is another. I'm being examined all the time as a Don, i'm scared to slip up and say the wrong thing. Am I around enough? Have I offended anyone? What if my reviews come back horrible and I lose my spot next term.

And Abandonment. Another reason I haven't asked mystery boy out - what if I lose his friendship. It's a new relationship, and it makes me happy. I don't want to take steps backwards. And the same thing with Daniel. I put my feelings on the line, and he still doesn't know, I feel like he's just leaving me out in the cold to wonder and soothe my aching heart.

But, let's bring it back to the bat. I'm not alone. Yeah, I'm scared, but I have good support around me. People who love and care about me. I'm so blessed.

I'm going to try and face my fears. I might keep Sarah and Mark on speed dial so I can call them in for backup if my heart gets broken - but I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to take risks and learn good lessons from that.

here I go.

- ella faye

birds and bees and songs like these.

pre-script. the post this morning was actually for yesterday but i wanted to make sure flo could tell everyone first.

i love summer term.

as the school term comes to an end, it amazes me how much i've loved doing school in the summer. 

it's like school, except beach volleyball every day, sunshine and happiness. 

so far i've: significantly improved my volleyball and videogame skills, gotten a sweet tan, become an unofficial euchre champion, had a sweet bonfire night, watched a drunk girl pee on the road in front of my residence, owned and failed some trivia questions at trivia night, celebrated a friends nineteenth birthday, owned a couple midterms, had a couple of papers and midterms own me, met some awesome people, kissed a stranger, not kissed anyone in res (although, much to my dismay baha), made friends, let go of some harmful relationships, eaten a ton of junk food and freezies, gone camping with some hot germans, seen an old favourite band in concert, spent an allnighter in the hospital, played a crazy amount of the sims, and just generally been awesome.

you should be so super crazy jealous of my life.

cause you want, what you want, and it's natural baby.

- ella faye

except for number one, write love. gamble everything.

let me tell you about one of my favourite people on the face of the earth.

florian kamhuber.

he has not had the best experience in the last few months. first, having to become a champion staff person and taking over a lot of responsibility when his boss was sick - then suffering from a concussion - then being diagnosed with post concussion syndrome - then having to make the decision to go home to germany because his sick leave would take up most of his time here in canada - then having to tell people.

he is just the sweetest, most genuine guy I think i've ever met. He's just so awesome. I'm heartbroken that I won't be able to spend time going on adventures with him in september. I'm sad that our last goodbye anded up being our last goodbye. I'm sad that he's going through such a rough time!

he's one of those people who deserve everything good to happen to them in life, because he just puts so much effort into making other people happy.

we used to watch 1000waystodie together, and just laugh and laugh at the ridiculous stories this show provides. and he likes martinis not beer. and he's a good cook, makes a mean pasta salad (like seriously, one of the best pasta salads i've ever eaten) and he's just generally all around amazing.

i'm super lucky to have met him, in fact, my life is probably better than yours solely on his part aha. but honestly, i wish i could meet more people like flo.

selfishly, i'm upset because i'm scared of being lonely when i return to L'Arche in the fall. I know i will still have other coworkers that I love, but I was nice to have someone with the same time off as me to go on adventures with. I was counting on him to help bridge the gap between me and the new staff to help me make new friends there. Now, there are no guarantees. My first month at L'arche was so incredibly lonely and miserable. My biggest fear is to go through that all again, and I know it's super selfish, but I wish Flo would still be there to help me out.

I know he's making the best choice, and I totally don't blame him! but I will miss him super much. I don't know if L'Arche can top him (no offence to my future potential friends who will potentially have his job).

Since I know you're reading this Flo. You rock. You're hot, hilarious and awesome, and I look forward to visiting you back home. Don't forget me, and have safe travels!

- ella faye