you and i are painting pictures in the sky.

when i think everything around me is crashing down,

he calms my storm.

needless to say, i feel a lot better.

eight days.

which is well needed.

i'm so sick of cleaning poop out from people's finger nails.

it sounds like such an easy task,

but seriously, try getting someone who hates water to soak there hands, and who hates when you touch their fingers to hold still while you clean there nails.

l'arche assistant problemmssssss.

right now, i just fight with a damp cloth. but seriously, it's a sight to see!

me: jay, give me your hand!

jay: NOOOOOOOOO *swats me away*

me: jay, seriously, no one will want to hold your hand if you have poop in your nails,

jay: NOOOOOOOOOOO. *swats me away*

and this continues for like, 20 minutes,

and then, when its done, and he's tried to hit me and push me away,

he looks up at me with his sweet blue eyes and says

"are you okay bebebebbee?"

and it just melts my heart all over again.

my love for him is so deep, i don't even have words for it.

even though i havent touched my essay yet today,

it's a good day

- ella faye

p.s. www.mobro.co/michaeljerome 

seriously, do it.

ain't no use defending words that you will never say.

don't get me wrong,

i'm genuinely happy in my relationship.

but, today i feel a little in over my head.

you know, sometimes, even though you pretty much spend every day with someone for four months,

you start to realize that maybe you don't really know them at all.

i don't want to question my own values to feel comfortable with his,

but i also don't want to be the person who passes something up because of something that shouldn't be a big deal at all.

i have awful timing.

i'm getting on a plane to see him in nine days.

and all i want to do is take a minute to think things through. have i been being foolish this whole time? or am i being foolish now?

with me, it's really a 50-50 shot.

- ella faye

patient anticipation

ten days.

in ten days, i will hopefully be finished this damn essay that really makes no sense to me.

and away from my stupid coworker,

and also away from the hardheaded coremembers that i've been clashing with.

and i will be back in the arms of my wonderful boyfriend.

and for a whole week, dispensing meds, missing finances and staff drama will sink to the back of my mind, and i can just enjoy the company i long for so much.

i never thought that coming back here would make me so miserable!

but i'm still learning lessons.

i mean, being here has taught me how much i appreciate my loved ones, and how much i've taken my experiences for granted.

i thought things always just worked out in the long run, and they will in time, but this term, i would say, coop has not worked out for me in the long run.

but im starting to find myself in good spirits again.

in ten days, the man i might be falling in love with will be next to me. and i'll be reminded that someone out there values me.

some things you just need to tough on through.

- ella faye

what is the use of holding back on this much?

i really shouldn't be here blogging,

but leave it to an essay that i must finish by tomorrow to encourage me to post once again.

i find that a lot has been crashing down around me.

i'm tired and lonely here, and it's not getting better. i'm stressed about getting this paper, and the next one done, before my trip out west. and my body is just over it. i'm weak and sore all the time.

also, i'm broke, aha. i've spent the little i had to spare on this wild trip to see michael in calgary. it's a sad day when you call your mom and ask her to mail you a razor because you can't shave your legs because you just can't afford to.

and mom has been so great. she has been such an amazing support, and has backed me 100%. and i'm so, so thankful for her.

but i don't know how i'd be getting by this term without my wonderful man.

you know, ever girl dreams of the guy who will do everything he can to sweep her off her feet. send her chocolates in the mail. write her the most beautiful and eloquent love letters. tell her all the things she wants to hear (and actually mean it!)

and i might have ended up with him.

now, some months down the road i'll likely be blogging about how much of a douchebag he is for breaking my heart, or how he played me all along, or how he's secretly a wanted drug dealer or something, because no one, and no relationship, is this great.

but for now, i'm enjoying every single moment. and, the most i invest now, the more ammo i will have to write epic and amazing hate blogs if he breaks my heart. so really, it's win win for you readers.

i hope you really see my effort to be posting more. i know it's not much, and my posts are subpar, but i've really got to start somewhere, right?

now go invest in something risky, it'll make a good story.

**however, please keep in mind, I will not be help accountable for the loss of money, broken hearts or any other negative consequences to following my advice.

- ella faye

baby, please come home.

i am so lonely here.

as i sit here enjoying Cake Walk wayyy too much on my Saturday night,

my heart still aches.

i know i've been the worst blogger ever, i keep saying i'm getting out of the slumps but then not following through on my promise to improve my blogging,

but I keep just finding myself here.

sitting alone in my living room.

and feeling so, so alone.

i want more than anything to be able to crawl into my boyfriends arms and be held,
or to meet up with a friend for coffee,
or to walk up to loft to play a game of euchre.

i feel like i've taken having friends close to me for advantage my whole life.

even last term, i had max and florian. when I just needed to vent and cry or drink (don't judge until you've done this job aha) i had someone close. I know I have Scott here, and he's great, but we're at different places in life, and i'm just a passing thing. I dont know, it just doesn't feel the same I guess.

it's hard too because i don't always want to express how i feel. when michael is out with his friends, and asks how my night is going, I don't want to be like "miserable, I'm sitting here crying watching crappy reality television and eating celery sticks." No one likes a miserable texter. But hourly updates about how much fun he is having with the guys is only fuelling my loneliness fire.

sidebar: i've gone from cake walk to Jersey Shore with french voiceovers. I'm actually ashamed of myself right now.

the amount i would give to flash back and crawl into my residence bed knowing i was in a building full of people who love and support me is unreal.

i'm working on it, i am, thank you for your patience.

- ella faye

dance with me darling, the night is falling.

i'm sitting in my kitchen,

with my momma and james, and we've all maybe had one glass of wine too many.

and life is beautiful.

today I drove Anne from our house to her sister's city.

three hours of me, and the core member i struggle with the most.

Anne and I have always clashed. I find her attention seeking behaviours extremely frustrating, and as a result, I tend to be shorter with her than I should be.

but something about checking my rearview mirror and seeing her there sleeping in the back seat just melted my heart.

i never thought i loved her, but evidently i do.

for the first time in my life, i'm realizing how much i adore the people in my life.

i'm realizing how happy i am to have the life that i do, even with my struggles.

things with michael have been so wonderful. in fact, i'm going to fly to calgary to see him in november.

i feel vulnerable, and scared, and happy.

i feel like i love the people around me,

and that i'm loved by them.

-

beauty is in innocence,

and beauty is in accepting moments of shame.

-

beauty is both in laughter and tears.

-

beauty is in the first light of day,

and the first star to appear in the night sky.

-

beauty is in my brothers playing video games,

and my mother holding hands with her new love.

-

beauty is in clothes that don't fit anymore,

and a brand new pair of shoes.

-

start noticing it.

- ella faye

heaven sent a hurricane.

i have some more confessions.

- 

sometimes, i wake up crying of happiness because everything just feels so right.

and sometimes i wake with a sorrowful heart, and have to choose to smile through it.

- 

sometimes,  i eavesdrop on people in starbucks,

because it reminds me how small i really am in this world, 

and how big God is to be aware of it all.

- 

sometimes i act like i think i'm the most beautiful girl in the room,

because it's nice to think someone thinks that, even if it has to be me.

- 

sometimes i go to my room and cry after hugging all my core-members good night,

because i know one of them doesn't remember me each morning, and it breaks my heart.

- 

sometimes I go to a shoe store and find the ugliest pair of shoes I can to try on,

because I think it's hilarious when the salespeople try and tell me they look great and they're a super popular shoe.

-

sometimes i just want to get married and settle down,

and sometimes just the idea of that scares the hell out of me.

- 

sometimes i whisper my true feelings about people while I lay in bed at night,

because I've convinced myself that somehow someday it will get to them and they'll understand me better.

-

sometimes I would go to a specific yoga class to get that super hot instructor,

but then I would avoid him like the plague the entire class.

- 

sometimes I seriously consider applying for the bachelor,

because I feel like it would be an awesome story for my kids (sorry michael, aha).

-

sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to joy I have in life

but I'm sure as heck happy I have it.

-

i am so, so blessed.

- ella faye

not a trace of the sun - but i don't even run from rain.

being back in Arnprior has taught me one thing.

max left more of a mark than i would like to admit.

i'm constantly reminded of the things he said and did,

and how he turned out to be the king of all douchebags.

and the whole thing makes me so incredibly grateful for Michael.

-

i've found someone who listens without trying to fix me.

who laughs with me without ever patronizing me.

who finds joy in my joys, and sorrow in my hardships.

who doesn't wish i was better at the things he is good at.

who loves my friends, and understands i'm a strong independent person. 

who accepts my history and baggage without making assumptions of what that will mean for our relationship.

who isn't trying to turn me into his ideal woman, but who is seeing me as a unique and ideal creation of God.

-

I'm not saying Max, or Daniel, or Kevin didn't do any of those things,

but I didn't realize someone out there could be all of those things.

-

Max - showed me a glimpse of how i deserved to be treated at first, but you showed your true colours at the end.

Kevin at least owned up to the fact that I wasn't right for him, so he really didn't do anything wrong, and not only do I have incredible respect for him, but I wish him all the best with the lovely and wonderful woman he has found. 

Daniel, someday I hope you learn to love someone so wholly that you can be two strong independent people. That just wasn't in our cards, we were young and foolish. All the best. 

-

I like to think Michael will be in my life for a long time. But, there are never any guarantees, and five months is a long time to date from opposite sides of the country. No matter what our outcome is, I've learned an incredible amount in the month we've shared. I'm a lucky girl. 

I guess because I never really got this love growing up, it's coming as such a shock to me. All my years of conditioning that men will always disrespect women, that I am unlovable and that I shouldn't expect gentleness and compassion from the men in my life is wearing off, and turning into a beautiful relationship with one of the best guys i've ever met.

be careful with my heart michael.

- ella faye

beneath sheets of paper lies my truth.

today i moved back into residence for a week.

i love this place - but it doesn't feel the same right now.

maybe it's the lack of sarah, or trevor or mike - you know? that support system? that calm place? i feel like a stranger in the building that was home only two weeks ago.

but, i'm meeting new wonderful people.

alison is a sweetheart, she is the other don for my floor, because I will be back at L'Arche in the fall. she helped me prepare for my session and she just seem fun.

and andrew is wild. i swear i'm always laughing when he's around, and he was friends with mike in the fall term, so i have that connection, you know?

jason has a heart wrenching story. he exudes strength and wisdom, and even though he might be frail, he makes me feel safe.

caitlyn is genuine and lovely. i can't exactly describe her, but i would want to say she's bright.  she has a magnetic quality that makes you feel good when she's in the room.

it's just another page. another journey.

i'm happy. i'm strong. and although i'm out of my comfort zone - i can make the best of this.

who knows - someone here might be my new safe.

- ella faye

got the radio on, my old bluejeans and i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.

i know yesterday i was feeling all great and happy and light hearted,

but today i feel insecure and vulnerable.

it's weird for me, since so often i'm the queen of cocky, but i can't seem to help it today.

did i mindlessly rush into something?

do i know him as well as i should?

am i being foolish to believe this is going to work?

i had a conversation with daniel earlier this week, and i think a lot of my concerns are triggered from some of the things he said - and i thought they would just go away completely when mike got back and things settled, and yet i still feel vulnerable.

when i dated daniel, i knew he was never going to really leave me. i don't know why i knew that, i just did, i knew i would be the one to end things. it made the relationship seem so safe and secure, and i think that is large part of why i kept asking for him back.

i don't want my relationship with mike to be like my relationship with daniel was. i want it to work, but it's hard. it's hard to commit as whole-heartedly as i want when i'm so afraid of being hurt.

i know i'm being silly and overemotional. mike seems committed to this. he knows what he signed up for. he's just not one of those people who always expresses how he feels.

i need to write that out on the chalkboard like lines in elementary school.

in other news, i bought the "Snuggie Sutra" at Urban Outfitters this weekend.

as i told my brother - "just because i'm not having sex doesn't mean when i do, it shouldn't include my snuggies."

- ella faye

your love is the best sound i have ever heard.

sorry that i suck at writing in transition times in my life.

it was the same between L'Arche and school, and now it's the opposite.

i got a new car to replace the lovely Golddigger, but i will dedicate a whole post to my dearest Romeo soon, I need to get to know him a little better before i can write a post that will do him justice.

i just felt like i should give you a good old update on what is happening in my life,

things are still awesome with mike i'm pretty sure. :) he was away for a week, and i did the whole "anxious, he's going to dump me upon return" thing for a few days, but im mostly over it now, he's back, hasn't dumped me so far, and if he does, it's his loss because i rock.

in other news, i've decided for the most part, my little brother bryan is a legitimate person and we might even be friends if we weren't siblings and were closer in age. don't tell him i told you this, because that would ruin my awesome "im too cool for you" facade i pull with my brothers, but it's true. he might even be cooler if i remotely approved of his girlfriend, but he'll have to learn that lesson on his own (again i might add).

so with a combination of bryan being almost  remotely cool, my awesome sweet boyfriend, my cutie other little brother and my awesome male don team from the summer (Bjarnes, Trevor (Troy?) and the good old boss Jeff), i might not actually hate men anymore.

for the amount of time i've spent hating on guys in this blog - this is quite the revelation.

it came to me the other night when I was at a friend's house for a sort of reunion type thing. i just had a great time. it was innocent, and fun, and just perfect. i've been waiting for some easy, some nice, some great. everything is good.  i'm just so happy with where things are at right now.

i know things won't stay like this forever, but im going to soak up every moment while i can.

- ella faye

memories, like embers, keep us warm. you will leave me in the morning.

i guess i should tell you,

mystery boy, or mike, as i would generally refer to him as,

is now my boyfriend.

i know things moved fast, but we decided to take the plunge and DTR before he flew back to the other side of the country to do his work term for the the next four months.

it sucks that i finally get what i've been longing for for months, and then he up and leaves me here to miss him for the next term. but, i'm so happy. by officially labelling our relationship, we're going to have to work hard to make it work while he's away, and i think we will. he's so incredibly wonderful, i don't want to let this go anytime soon.

also, in res, we built an epic sand kingdom.

mike was a part of this, because he's awesome. it's nice to have so much fun with someone again.

so basically, that is what is new in my life. i'm super tired today, but i will write again soontimes.

sand kingdom building crew ftw.

- ella faye

life was on our tongues, and it tasted heavenly.

oh hey everyone.

i just have to say, this is my 100th post on this blog.

i never would have imagined back in march when I was looking for an outlet for my feelings and stories that i would create a journal read by people all over the world.

in fact, today so far, on it's own, i've had almost the same amount of hits as i did in the entire first month.

i laugh when i look at the feelings, thoughts and ideas that i had just a few months ago, and how much i've changed. also, i laugh when i realize the most commonly read posts are those to the elusive mystery boy, who managed to capture my heart is such a whole and unique way.

i smile to think of my beloved core members and how i'll be seeing them agains soon. I miss them, but i'm also really going to miss being here. I've had the best term, and met the most amazing people. This moving every four months does not fly with me!

i'm so thankful for this, for you and for my experiences.

thank you for taking time out of your day to care what i care about! i will keep enlightening you with the silly fun stories that make up my life, and i hope you will keep coming back to read them!

you rock an epic amount.

- ella faye

he smiles, it's like the radio.

sometimes i'm pretty sure my life is like, the Truman Show.

That movie messed me up man.

everything is sorta falling into place - cold feet about mystery boy or not.

my term is coming to a close.

i'm happy.

i feel in control.

it's unfortunate that as soon as mystery boy becomes more of a chance, Daniel gets back in touch with me.

but he hasn't made up his mind, and so I can't wait around, you know?

plus, mystery boy makes me so happy, he's who i want a chance with right now anyways.

(side bar: i'm feeling less anxious about this whole thing than I was earlier this morning)

I just feel like everything is too good to be true, or too wild and crazy to even believe.

like seriously, a movie on my life would be freaking hilarious.

I drive a smashed up gold PT cruiser, I have the most dramatic romantic life, my family it nuts, and i say the dumbest things that always set me up to be insulted. I'm pretty sure I'd be te romantic comedy of the year.

My exciting life probably explains why you are reading this right now actually, aha.

but seriously, where do I get funding for this shit :P MTV would seriously profit off making me the new reality tv show on their network. I'm way cooler than Jersey Shore (Mad respect for Snooki though, also, I didn't mean to offend anyone with that comment).

Anyways, I'm off for more studytimes. One more day till I'm free from exams!

"Erotic Aerobics Night - Just a day in my life."

- ella faye

so petrified - i'm so scared to step into this ride.

i am more nervous for this date than i am for the exam i have that same day.

nothing has happened with him since then - we had a nice chat about random things yesterday, but nothing earth shaking.

he makes me nervous - who am i?!

this is so unlike me! i'm usually pretty calm and collected about boys. i've been on like, a million first dates (yes, i realize i'm exaggerating, but it's a pretty high number), but i don't know that i've ever wanted to impress someone so bad before.

i realize this isn't going to progress into anything, afterall, we go on our work terms in like, 2 weeks, and won't see each other for four months, and, I don't even know if he's that into me, he might be taking me on a pity date. I mean, afterall, I did have to lay everything on the line for him to ask me, he might have just done it to not hurt my feelings, which wouldn't have been that hurt if he said he wasn't into me, but he doesn't know that for sure.

and he's just such a nice guy. i sure hope this isn't some ploy to get off easy and not hurt me, because this would hurt me more.

right now, i'm the kind of girl i hate. i'm caught up in an idea, and i will likely get hurt, if not now, in a couple weeks. and i know i'm so cliche and lame to say he's worth it, but i'm going to stick by that statement. I've never really met someone like him, and I wouldn't want to say I passed up a great opportunity.

I'm stealing my friend Jeff's love motto - "Fall hard now and deal with heartbreak later"

it's scary. i'm nervous, anxious, terrified.

excited, giddy, happy.

i'm all over the map these days.

new risk-taking ella is insane. with the stress this is causing, i don't know if i can handle it! aha.

- ella faye

and i'm not doing this alone.

i'm horribly terrified of bats.

i can handle snakes, spiders, dirt, power tools, fire pits, heights, vomit (and drunk people in general), no sleep, catty girls and a variety of other things,

but I can't do bats.

which is particularly interesting because the building in which I am a don, has a bat problem.

it's hard to be a good role model and take charge of a situation when the thing i am most terrified of is flying around my head and i'm doing everything i can not to pee my pants out of fear.

Fortunately, I've only had to handle a bat once this summer. And although the Incident Report expresses a casual tone of control and calmness, really, I screamed and cried while the guys I lived with chased down the bat, and finally, one resident (who i'm pretty sure is cool enough to have his own TV show) trapped it in a pillowcase with no problem - apparently he had a summer job once trapping animals - what a champ.

Bats are one of the many fears I've had to handle facing this term.

Rejection is another. People often ask me why I don't just ask mystery boy out - the answer? I'm scared. I'm a pretty embarrassing person afterall - sometimes i spit food out when I laugh at dinner, sometimes I fall on my face when just walking normally, sometimes my stories fail at being even remotely funny.

Failure is another. I'm being examined all the time as a Don, i'm scared to slip up and say the wrong thing. Am I around enough? Have I offended anyone? What if my reviews come back horrible and I lose my spot next term.

And Abandonment. Another reason I haven't asked mystery boy out - what if I lose his friendship. It's a new relationship, and it makes me happy. I don't want to take steps backwards. And the same thing with Daniel. I put my feelings on the line, and he still doesn't know, I feel like he's just leaving me out in the cold to wonder and soothe my aching heart.

But, let's bring it back to the bat. I'm not alone. Yeah, I'm scared, but I have good support around me. People who love and care about me. I'm so blessed.

I'm going to try and face my fears. I might keep Sarah and Mark on speed dial so I can call them in for backup if my heart gets broken - but I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to take risks and learn good lessons from that.

here I go.

- ella faye

this is how the story went. i met someone, by accident.

dear mystery boy,

i've had a stressful week, so this is a better time than ever for you to ask me on a date. seriously, what is taking you so long?!

I think we should get together just us, I'll teach you to love the pokemon card game as much as I do, and I'll make you laugh at my lame jokes. I know tea isn't necessarily your drink of choice, but I'm the queen of tea, so I'll find a tea you love. And everyone likes hot chocolate so that's a good back up - even in this weather.

I know just yesterday I blogged about wanting Daniel back, and I will be honest with that, but, I'm not going to wait for him forever, so now is a good time to sweep in and scoop me up. It might take me a while to give up the past, but i'm so ready for change and a fresh start. I long for my heart to not ache anymore, and perhaps this is exactly what I need.

I like going on walks, and picnics, and I like playing pool (even though I suck). I also like - shopping at thrift stores, dairy queen, live music of anykind, gelato and disney, in case you need date ideas. if you're too scared to ask me face to face, i'd even take a facebook date invite.

Give me a fresh start, something to look forward too. I promise I'm worth giving a shot. Yes, I snore and sleep talk, I trip a lot, I say "Up yours","Don't Judge me" and "This is true" way too often, I'm way worse than I'll admit at euchre, pokemon is super important to me, and I'm I a bit of a sketchy past, but I''m still awesome. I'm friggen hilarious, I make the most delicious cookies and I'm super understanding. I make a great friend, support and confidant. I hope you can overlook my flaws.

I'm great and you're great. Also, my boss Jeff thinks you're great. Just sayin'

You're running out of time. What is up with that?!

- ella faye

i'll be waiting for you, when you're ready, to love me again.

so sorry i haven't been on recently.

i had hell week at school.

then so much has happened.

honestly, i want to curl up in my bed and hide from the world - which i am doing right now.

daniel came for a night this weekend - i laid everything on the line, i want him to give me another chance. but also, he's changed, and i'm scared he's not the godly young man that i fell in love with anymore. it's the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, i just want to cry all of the time, it's pretty lame.

but in my heart, i want to give it another shot, i want to make him see we could be awesome together all over again. but, he can't make up his mind. it sucks.

he told me that being with me is like coming home, because we have such a special level of comfort and understanding, but i don't think he wants to come home anymore. and if he doesn't, i'll cry, but i think i'll be okay. i'll find someone else who "gets" me, makes me laugh, will drink tea by the fire with me and who will kiss my nose.

as if this wasn't sensory over load enough for me - max messaged me today. he asked how school was going, and how i'm doing. he apologized for "not living up to my expectations" while we were camping - is that an apology for unnecessarily dumping me? - and he told me he still considered me a good friend (the friend card - nice). seriously?

i did a bad thing when i left daniel and started dating max. max is a really great guy, but i gave up the man i loved more than i've ever loved anyone for him, and all i got was heartbreak twofold. is it wrong for me to think it's not fair that i have to re-deal with both of them again in one weekend?! seriously boys, did you co-ordinate this or something? frig.

i feel like i'm just going to stay single forever. i don't know if i am willing to make myself vulnerable again. nothing went as planned with daniel, i still love him, but do i love who he used to be instead of who he is now? and max broke my heart so much. and kevin before that.

this brings me to make note of how much i love my residence. if it wasn't for my residence, i swear, i'd have given up on men as a species, and probably would be considering dropping contact with every guy in my life who isn't in my bloodline. but last night, a midst my heavy heart and watering eyes, the boys made me laugh the whole evening away. we had a camp out in front of the building, and everything from pitching tents, to late night euchre, to "never have i ever", to roasted marshmallows, these guys make my heart happy. and even though i snored and sprawled out over everyone in tent, they all said they had a great time at the camp out. i don't know if i've ever had such great guy friends with no strings.  it's honestly just so great.

so, to conclude today - my heart is heavy and sad, because so much of my past hurt is coming into play this weekend, but, the awesome people around me are making it bearable. i'm going to choose to love everyday, even though i so often feel unloved.

- ella faye

somewhere we went wrong.

just for the record.

in spite of everything -

i was the last person to kiss you before braces,

the first to kiss you with braces -

the last to kiss you with braces -

and the first to kiss you once they were gone.

i said i'd stick it out and i will.

- ella faye

don't forget.

please, remember me.

or, better alternative - just keep me in your life.

but just in case, remember my gold hair in the summer,

and the flecks of orange and yellow in my eyes.

remember my laugh,

and the softness of my skin.

remember my childish fear of aquariums,

and the way I so often smell like vanilla.

remember how I used to kiss you ears,

and always wanted to look at baby shoes, because they're just so darn cute.

remember jumping on the trampoline in the rain,

and the gentle breaths i'd let out when I fell asleep in your arms.

but most of all, if you absolutely have to let me go, remember that i love you with my whole heart, and no matter where life takes us, you will always be in my heart.

- ella faye