heal over someday.

happy canada day y'all.

i wish i was out celebrating, however, i'm on duty so i'm here.

and sometimes, being alone just makes me sad.

i still struggle with how easily the guys in my life have just broken my heart without even caring. like seriously, Kevin dumps me, Daniel abandons me, Max rejects me and Keegan gives up on me. It's incredibly frustrating. I feel so lonely, and it's sucky and lame, and on top of that, i'm stuck in the building for Canada day, alone.

It doesn't always help that my girlfriends are few and far between. Girls don't usually like me all that much (i'm a pretty intimidating person), and the ones I do have are in toronto/whitby/quebec/ottawa for the weekend. it's one of those days where i just wake up sad, my soul is sad today. most days aren't like this for me, but it's days where i'd call my dad or we'd have normally spent together that are particularly hard.

he wasn't always a perfect dad, but he always took the time to talk when I needed it, and today I'd definitely have called him. he loved Canada day. Last year he came and saw me sing to advertise my play. He was super embarrassed because my costume was hardly clothing, but he took it like a champ anyways. for all the frustration, yelling and hurtful things, he was the most supportive parent when it came to the things I was passionate about. He never missed a show, no matter how small and insignificant my role, and now I don't really get that as much.

I mean, my mom is great. But she's a busy lady. I feel like her time is so stretched between all her other commitments that I can't always ask her to give up time for me. Dad really only had work and me, since Bryan and Jared weren't as involved in school as I was. He still showed up for their stuff, but there was just less of it.

I know God has a plan. I know he has someone to come and be a partner and a companion for me. I know he didn't abandon me. I know great things are going to come from my bad experiences. Today I just really wish someone would crawl into my bed and hold me and let me cry. Listen to my stories about my dad, the good ones and the bad ones, and then make me tea and play a thoughtless card game.

But, because that's not an option today, I'm just going to put a brave face on and celebrate our awesome country.

- ella faye