we danced together alone.

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote.

my world has been so crazy and out of control, and I was really at a loss for words.

honestly, I came on here and started to write at least 15 times, but for some reasons, words escaped my mind and i'd find myself staring at phrases that couldn't even begin to give a true picture of my world.

so here i am, trying again.

i am still, deeply and passionately in love with Michael. I am thankful every day that I have been blessed with such an amazing and Godly man, and I can't wait to start the rest of my life with him.

i am also blessed with great friends. i am surrounded by amazing people, who are carinf, passionate and genuine.

and something else I am grateful for, is my transition into becoming an adult. something I learned in my positive psych class, is that as we get older, we rid the negative relationships in our lives, and i've really been pushing to do this recently.

i tried so hard to be friends with some people, for so long. but i can't do the manipulation or the immaturity any longer. people who tell my friends that i "take advantage" of them or manipulate the people around them into fearing them, need to grow up, and it's not my job to make that happen. i don't need to spend my life walking on eggshells, i'd rather ruffle some feathers now and have the freedom of being able to enjoy my life.

and finally, i'm closing doors, and finding closure to a lot of things i have been struggling with.

so, to sum up the past month.

i love my boyfriend.
i admire my friends.
i miss my dad.
i am tired of immaturity.
i long for direction.
i respect myself.
i hate watching people i love be manipulated.
i ache for closure.
i enjoy my freedom.

i am working on me.

hopefully i will be back to explain further soon.

- ella faye

this is the last time, i won't hurt you anymore.

taylor swift sometimes explains my life better than i can.

i'll be back at blogger post crazy midterm times in my life.

- ella faye

makes me wanna take the long way home.

so, i decided sometimes i'm sick of knowing people read my blog, but never give me any feedback as to what they like/dislike about what i have to say/write.

as much as this is a space for me to use to vent, express my feelings, and share stories, it's a place for you to get to know someone, and to know you're not on your own. life is crazy for everyone, and it's nice to think someone else out there gets that.

anyways. i now have a special email just for you all, no matter where you are. questions or comments, it's your turn. you guys are important to me!

ella.fayye@yahoo.ca

it's all you now!

- ella faye

i got more in store, and you got me.

oh man,

sometimes, now that i'm in my twenties, i realize some people grow up, and others don't.

this is my blog about oktoberfest.

people who don't?

my dear friend nathan. love him to bits, but seriously, maybe you don't need to try and take a girl home every time we go out! i feel like he stops appreciating our friendship whenever a girl in a slinky outfit walks by. we've been through a lot, and i will love him till the end, but i wish i felt more valuable more often in our friendship.

kevin. seriously? you introduced a girl to me as your "friends with benefits"! i feel so bad for that poor girl! not because she's hooking up with you, because i know you can be a nice guy, but i'd be so embarassed if someone ever introduced me as their "friends with benefits". One more reason i'm glad we broke up in first year!

adrian. don't apologize to me for not being friends, but refuse to admit you were an ass and believed gossip about me that wasn't true. at this point, who cares if i called you a player! if i had, said it, i'd own it by now.

sarah's friends. sarah has a new boyfriend, so what? don't awkwardly stare at him and not talk to him all night. you don't have to pick john or sarah, you should just be nice friends and get over yourselves.

kassym. don't cheat! i love you man, but don't text your ex or dance with other girls all the time if you're committing to a new relationship. sometimes you have to make hard choices, and playing two girls is the WRONG ONE. but no worries, i still love you tons even though you make bad choices.

john. no contact means no contact. don't say things to me to say to sarah. just don't talk to me about her if this is so much of an issue.

me right now. i'm feeling bitchy about people that whole night. it was super fun, but i'm sick of other peoples drama, which is why i'm venting, but i stayed calm, collected and friendly all night, in spite of the craziness.

people who do?

sarah. i'm so proud of her these days. she broke up with john, and he was a great guy, but i never thought they were as happy together as they could be. it's sad that he got hurt, but i know she did the best thing for her. and now, she is seeing someone new, and his is great. i've never seen her so happy, and he treasures her the way she deserves to be. i think i've finally met someone who isn't related to sarah, who cares about her as much as i do! it's crazy! and people have given her such a hard time for following her heart, but she has stayed true to herself, and that's awesome.

mark. he finally pick a girl i approve of. thank. you. jesus.

zeuner. i love when you stand up for yourself. i want you to be proud of who you are and your choices, and it makes me happy when you don't decide to do things just to appease other people.

miguel. i like that you're doing your own thing now. i know you didn't even go to oktoberfest, but a) being generous to give your ticket to a friend, and b) knowing your limits and when to stay in and do you (not in the literal sense, but if that is what you needed, then go for it!) that shows a lot of maturity. i'm proud of you!

me. i didn't even get mad at anyone while the night progressed! only today.

so as you can see, it was quite the crazy night for me, full of people whining, a crazy ex-boyfriend, a loser who i had to live in res with second year that i'd hoped to never see again, lots of fun dancing, beer, and good friends :)

just how university is supposed to go!

- ella faye

i'm walking in a fire (when i walk into you)

oh hey.

so i got out of gotcha, finally.

i forgot when i excitedly posted about it how my excitement only lasts for like, 3 days, and then i just am embarassed to be carrying a sword around in public places. however, I was the last don left in the game, so i did accomplish that goal.

in other news, my floors is hilarious as ever. they're stressed with midterms and stuff, and i am too, but it makes me feel old to see them go through this milestone. i don't even really remember my first round of midterms or if i was particularly nervous. weird.

i also went to oktoberfest, but that deserves it's own post, so i'll try and get that to you tomorrow.

school is crazy for me right now, so excuse me if i'm even less consistant than usual. life is crazy.

but back to what i originally intended to blog about today.

i am desperate for a job for next term.

not in the "i'm willing to use jobmine and take a crappy job way" but in a "i'm ready to get a job that will help to further my career when i'm done school" kind of way.

i dream about it, i wake up with the sweats thinking about it (i know, more imagery than you needed)

i've never been stressed like this before. if i don't find a job, it's not that big of a deal, because i can a school term and stay here. it's not ideal financially, but in spite of my strained relationship with my mom, i know she has my back and would support me in that. but i don't want to fail, i want to be able to achieve the standard i have set for myself in this area.

and i want my floor to be proud of me! i want them to see me as success and value my thoughts and opinions about how they can succeed here at university as well! i know i can't make them all like me, and it's not my job to be their friend all the time, but i like to be liked, i think everyone does. it just scares me that i don't have control over this situation.

so, it's time for me to be vulnerable, and accept that i am not always in control of every detail of my life. it's a learning experience, but i'll get there.

well, we'll see what happens. keep rooting for me!

- ella faye

in the night light, we still shine bright.

no matter how difficult of a time i am in, i am blessed to have the friends and relationships that i do.

my floor is an excellent example of that.

their love for gotcha makes me smile every day.

"dee" always makes me laugh, because she is just crazy. the other day she walked to my door, collapsed halfway in my room and halfway in the hall and exclaimed breathlessly how happy she was to have finished her first ever university essay. i laughed at her and asked her where her sword for gotcha was, and she looked at me in terror, stood up, and without a word booked it back to her room to return to safety. i never would have guessed that she'd grow so attached to her plastic pirate sword.

and "rawn"is super competitive. she bbms me every time she gets someone out of the game, and i swear i can feel her excitement through my phone before I've even read the message. she could very well win this game with her passion for wiping out all the boys still left in the game.

i see girls walking to the washroom with their sword in hand, hear them plotting schemes to tag out other people, and brag to their friends how exciting it is to be a part of this game, and that's the purpose of these sorts of things. it's bringing people together and bringing laughter and excitement to people's lives and time here in residence. 

i didn't tell my floor that yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death, and i'm glad, because instead of being cautious around me all day like some people do, they reminded me that no matter what hardships i've experienced, that i'm so blessed to be afforded the experiences i have, and to be surrounded by the people here.

i know my daddy is watching out for me, there is proof every day in little things like that.

- ella faye

our treehouse and our saturdays are gone.

let me tell you a bit about my dad, cause i miss him:

dad was super charismatic, and i think i got a lot of that from him.

he was also super persuasive, and could make you see any side of an argument.

he really loved Tim Horton's French Vanilla Cappuccinos, and the Bacon and Egg McMuffin from McDonalds, and we'd always stop for one or the other when we were out.

he never missed a single play i was ever a part of, and he is the only person in the world who did that for me.

he loved fixing things, or at least trying too.

he had a terrible fashion sense.

he always followed through for things, even if he was up until 3 am with me helping me finish an assignment or if he had to drive things to school for me the next day.

he struggled with mental illness, but once you could see past it, he was extremely loving and passionate.

he always wanted to help everyone whichever way he could.

he used to play the flute with me in the basement and i always loved the way it sounded.

he was really really picky when it came to naming my brothers and i.

when i was upset, he'd always tell me to squeeze his hand as hard as i could until i felt better, even into adulthood.

when i was little, he'd always take me for breakfast on weekends for "daddy-daughter time"

he's the only other person on the planet who really loved my dog, Buster, other than me. But dad loved Buster the most without a doubt.

he had a form for guys who wanted to date me to fill out, and he'd interview them, but really, it was just him giving me time to decide what I wanted, and if I wanted to bail out before it was official, he would deny the guy for me.

his favourite movie was "A Walk to Remember", but he'd always deny it. (He'd also text me whenever he found it on TV no matter where I was)

he took me to the woodworking show like, a million times. And I complained about it, but I loved it.

he had yahtzee on his phone and he always let me play it secretly in church.

he always encouraged me to challenge myself and to fight for what i believe in.

he was the cool dad in my friend group, and we could always count on him to pick us up from a party we shouldn't have been at or from a bad day without getting told on.

he taught me how to drive, and in turn, to face some of my biggest fears.

he loved my brothers and i a lot, and he was really proud of us.

no one is a perfect person, and dad wasn't even close. but beyond the things he struggled with that changed the way he thought or acted sometimes, he was a sweet loving and supportive dad. and can you ask for too much more?

mom tells me i got ripped off in life because of him, but i think it's the opposite. i think he think he taught me to love myself before loving other people, to speak my mind, to fight for what is heavy on my heart and to see people for their true self, no matter how much someone's circumstances mars how they may be seen.

today is his day, and i miss him tons.

- ella faye

the problem with your smile is that it's gone.

hello all, and happy belated thanksgiving.

i had a busy busy weekend, and i'm sorry i couldn't tell you all about it earlier.

i just hate changes i guess, and i don't want to bring the world down by whining about how my mom makes poor choices because of her insecurities, and puts the blame on anyone but her new husband, who is an idiot and a sham, because his lies and need to be right all the time make her feel protected. I just wish she wouldn't set herself up for failure. I want her to be happy, and I want her to make wise choices to obtain that happiness.


on top of all of that,

today is the 2nd anniversary of my dad's death.

weird eh?

i swear it feels like i got the call yesterday, i remember it so well.

and sometimes i get mad, when people whine about juvenile things when i know how much things like this hurt. i see other people around me who i care about going through incredibly difficult things too right now in my life, and it makes me so frustrated how people think it's such a huge deal if they didn't like the dinner options or if someone unintentionally hurts someone else's feelings. 

i know next week, that'll be me all over again, mad about little things, it's normal, and it's human.

but today my heart aches, and it's a kind of ache i can't really even explain.

and my mom just wants me to not care because she couldn't understand my dad for the good person he was inside. 

today, i don't care if she broke up with you and is dating someone new. i don't care if you don't like lunch. and i don't care if the SLC is too far for you to walk too.

but i do care if you're heart is aching like mine. if you have, thought you were going to, or are facing the possibility of losing someone you love, or your own. because people don't talk about it enough. and because sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish and be upset that this is happening or has happened.

i know i rambled on, and didn't make much sense today, but i'm okay with that. and you should be too.

i'll be normal and whiney again soon, no worries.

i love you daddy. 

you'd be proud of me these days, i've done a lot in the last 2 years.

you're baby girl,

- ella faye

forgive yourself, because i took pictures of everything you've been missing.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

one of the things i look forward too every year as a residence don is Gotcha. an epic game of tag where you are hunting while being hunted.

the premise of the game is that you have a safety item, this year it's a pirate sword. so long as i am holding my safety item, i am safe, because someone in the residence (i have no idea who) is hunting me to catch me without it.

i am also hunting someone, and as a don, i have the advantage of knowing who most of the people in the building are, and if i don't, i have access to everyone's photos through the college. it's awesome.

this gets freaking intense. people have followed people home, to the gym, to work. people camp out outside other people's rooms and follow them to classes. this is the real deal, and it's something that i think makes residence life so amazing.

as i'm nearing the end of my university experience, i'm really appreciating how important it is to have a balance of fun and work. i mean, i've never worked too too hard, and i've always valued fun, but now, knowing I only have another year left, i just want to soak in all the experiences that i can. people lied when they say high school is the best years of your lives, because this is way, way better.

- ella faye

p.s. best line i've heard so far in gotcha as people try and find out who the person they are hunting is? "Excuse me, how many of the guys on your floor are white?"

my sword, Wynton and I. bffls. 

love, will you turn out the lights (cause we're already home)

my life is full of wonderful people.

jason, thank you for teaching me to open up the ugly sides of me and own them as part of who i am.
meg, thank you for making me laugh in my hardest moments.
jeffrey, thank you for enjoying little things with me.
ainsley, thank you for warming my heart with your gentle spirit. also, for inspiring me everyday.
keegan, thank you for holding on.
nathan, thank you for teaching me i'm worth fighting for.
sarah, thank you for always supporting me, and listening so well to my hardships.
luc, thank you for always having fun with me.
nick and miguel, thank you for keeping me grounded.
kaitlyn, thank you for being the sister i never got.
nancy, thank you for always seeing the good in me, and for fighting for me when i needed it.
treetop, thank you for making my job worth it.
scott and heather, thank you for bringing the joy back into my life.
cassie, thank you for showing me i have value to someone.
john, thank you for being such a great example of what a friend should be.
michael, thank you for loving me unconditionally.

you are all examples of how good god is.

- ella faye

kaitlyn. man i miss that girl.

p.s. 150 posts :) thats why this one is extra meaningful.

our love was, comfortable.

so, i have mixed reviews about paintballing.

we went, and there were like 40 people in our group so we had the whole game to ourselves. I was on Team Animal, because I have a longstanding reputation with the Dons of Animal, and we were playing against the other all boys floor, FUBAR. 

my adrenaline was pumping, people were yelling, i was being pelted at all angles. it was insane. all day i was like "man, this is awesome, i want to paintball all the time!"

everyone was all camoflauged out, crawling in the grass, screaming in pain. i particularly liked the scenario where we had to take some dynamite and load a gun in the other teams base. we didn't win, but the landscaping was awesome, and it was super intense. it was like Star Wars Battlefront except it was real life, not  in space, and only humans, also no space battles, and i friggen hate space battles, so that was awesome. also, i didn't have to remember to move my head with my body, which is an issue for me when I play video games, but in real life, my body does that naturally so it was a lot less frustrating.

but, today, i have different feelings. my whole body feels like it has a charlie horse. i am finding purple welts on all areas of my body, and my muscles want me to die. everything i was worried about camp true. also, the paint looks like dried sperm all over my clothes that i wore because it was goopy and white. i know was it is but i'm still judging myself a little bit.

also, when i clothes my eyes i relive feeling so scared as we called the beginning of the game, and wanting to hide but running towards angry, armed FUBARians. 

so, i am having very conflicted emotions about my experience yesterday. maybe i'll just have to go again sometime and see if i still enjoy it in the moment knowing what the next days feels like. i still have lots of free passes, so maybe i can convince another group of people to make a trip out.

either way, i still don't know why paintballing became a big thing. i think i definitely like lazer quest better, because it's like paintballing without the pain in glow in the dark, and making anything less painful and glow-in-the-dark improves it, obviously. who doesn't love glow-in-the-dark things!?

well, that's that for now, i'd better be off to do real work for school, since i spent all day yesterday shooting aimlessly at FUBAR.

- ella faye

team animal dons FTW. (even though we lost, we're still really good looking and awesome)

watch the stars, they're ours.

first thing is first,


michael and i worked everything out. that boy really is the love of my life, and he and i discussed ways to make sure i am not feeling abandoned. he really is the love of my life.

in other news, i'm going paintballing for the first time tomorrow, and I am scared shitless. let me tell you a list of things that i hate a lot.

1. Getting Hurt
2. Getting Sick
3. Being Slimy
4. Exercise
5. Creamed Corn
6. Blisters
7. When boys get super competitive and forget that I have feelings
8. Those creepy guys who stand around the outside of a dance floor at a club
9. Lasagna Night in the Caf

So obviously, Paintballing doesn't really appeal to me. Also, I'm poor. But at least it'll be an experience

So anyways, please pray your brain out that I survive the weekend. Also, since I abandoned homework all day because I was having an emotional day, so that also needs to happen.

bahhhhh. i'm so nervous.

I will make sure I fill you in about how my day goes tomorrow, assuming i make it through.

take care

- ella faye

so sing it out with me, and then let it go.

i am thankful for friends.

in the midst of my heart break and devastation, i have had the most amazing support systems.

i might be eating ridiculous amounts of junk food, but my heart ache is being consoled.

i might even add, that my friends are making sacrifices to make time for me when i am in a time of trial.

something that my boyfriend can not even accomplish these days.

my friend meg helped me clarify today that it's not that michael isn't trying to make time for me, it's that he's spreading himself too thin. michael can not let anyone down, but that let's me down.

it's not that it's i need him to make more breaks for me in his busy schedule, i need him to give some things up completely to make me a priority. i need him to give me freedom to have him close when i need, instead of texting him saying i'm having an awful day and need him to visit me, and getting booked into an appointment like slot of time at his nearest convenience.

but i can't make him want that. i can only pine after him.

ughhhhhh.

life is annoying sometime.

- ella faye

i do love him lots still.

and so i wait for you.

This morning's post seems so far behind me as tonight approaches and consumes my thoughts and mindfulness.

My stubborn nature and selfish attitudes have caused me to damage the most valuable relationship that I had in my current world.

I know I am being selfish, but one can only make so many sacrifices in a relationship with someone before they are simply accepting unhappiness in your life.

Michael just has so many things in his life, and I realize he tries so hard to be all things to all people, but he is spread too thin and over commits too much. His caring demeanor is something I love so passionately about him, but it leaves me so often feeling abandoned and rejected.

So is it so wrong to speak my mind and say that this is not something I can continue to live with for the rest of my life?

How much can love conquer in my life? Does love bring enough happiness to reject my feelings of loss an abandonment?

I read my entries about Michael in the summer where we fell in love enviously, remembering to vividly the acceptance and admiration we had for each other. We wrote each other letters religiously while we were separated for five long months, and he stood by my side through my mothers remarriage, move and through the hardships I suffered while living in his home town of Calgary this past summer.

Have I been foolish and naive for the past 14 months, believing that I might have actually found someone who could love me beyond all? Was I making an unwise choice when I opened up to him about my hurts and failures, as it would indefinitely lead to heartache?

I'm just dizzy with questions and hurt tonight. It's the worst.

I really do love him with every part if my heart. But I want to be loved in a selfish way. I know I'm being idealistic and silly, but I don't want to settle for sadness.

- ella faye

and morning came, and it felt like truth.

i've been reading anne of green gables,

and although i haven't finished, and don't know if i will,

i learned a lot.

anne talks so much of kindred spirits and bosom friends, and i always thought it was this romantic unrealistic idea of just knowing when you belong in a friendship with someone. i questioned her relationship with diana, because i didn't know if i could fiercely love someone so passionately without having romantic feelings for them.

but i learned l.m.montgomery was really onto something today.

i casual chat with a friend turned into a heart warming and beautiful experience.

i shared so many things that i never thought i might ever be able to voice to another human being.

my body is tired, and i have to wake up early,

but my soul is full.

- ella faye

It's a slow fire-burn

I am currently sitting in my developmental psychology class, and it is really ironic how much I can relate the content to my life.

We're discussing the amazing amount of innate knowledge it takes for someone to simply go through the motion of walking. The prof keeps using the image of a symphony, as so many muscles and neurons are required to be in use to do something so many people do each and every day.

Well isn't this just like anything else in my life? I have to work so many details and things together in order to succeed at something that someone else might think would be so simple.

I'm a daughter, a girlfriend,  a sister, a friend, a cousin, a student, a confidant, a don, a employee, a mediator, a teacher, and am actively seeking employment.

And it's all a balance. It's a day by day process where each choice that I make influences all the other aspects of my life.

And I love it.

Yeah, I'm tired. Sometimes I feel burnt out, but my life is full of love, laughter, experiences and joy. And what more could I ask for ?

Sometimes I think university students get way too caught up in the "right now" and in turn become selfish and ignorant to what life really holds.

We have so much and we are blessed to be here. There are big concerns like people who need help overcoming mental illness, or people teased because of their sexuality, or not having needs met because of a disability because society ignores them, so how much does your ten percent science test really matter? I doesn't, because life and people are what really should matter.

And I am not judging anyone, because I do this all the time. How can I watch someone make a women'srights joke on tv but I cry when someone calls me a bad don?

Life and love are beautiful, but difficult. And my time this term, which has been full of changing and overwhelming experiences, has taught me this. I'm looking forward to growing in who I am, and who I can be.

- Ella Faye

she's the muse.

for those of you who don't know,

i am still an RA, aha.

i am once again donning an all girls floor, crazy eh?
i'm wayyyy too awkward for this gig, i'm fortunate that my boss can see beyond that.

it's funny for me this year,
because my whole floor is way cooler than i am.

like, WAY cooler,
cause although i love me, and i embrace all my nerdisms,
i'm kind of a big loser.
an awesome loser,
but still a loser.

i'm awkwardly in awe of how awesome and cool all my girls are,
i'm like an awkward proud momma over here,
just not a hot momma,
like a "mom jeans and 80s glasses" momma,
you know?

either way, i think it'll be awesome,
because they're awesome,
so maybe some of their cool will rub off.

it's going to be a great year.

- ella faye

New Years Eve - Who Knew I'd End Up Here?!

i don't want any less anymore.

i'm learning to accept how vulnerable i really am.

it's being a little bit overwhelming for me.
because i've always been a tough girl.

i tried not to let anyone see me cry for a long time after dad died.
i felt like i had to prove to people that nothing can phase me,
or that i'm a strong and independent woman.

when really, that toughness turned out to be one of my biggest weaknesses.
because i hollowed out my heart trying to maintain my brave face
and i'm just working on letting my joy and passion fill it up again.

i pretend this isn't me, but i'll be honest,
the other night I went to michael's house and cried.
i cried a lot.
and it was okay, and it was normal, and it was healthy.

you know what?
i'm not okay with the fact that i don't remember the sound of my father's laugh
or how he smelled,
or what it was like to listen to him play the flute.

and it's okay that that is hard for me,
as much as I have pretended until now that it is fine.

and being able to acknowledge this as a weakness, is what makes me stronger than i have ever been.
so i am learning to embrace the beauty of that.
sadness and weakness are not the same thing,
it is too bad that people are taught they are for so much of our lives.

i am so blessed to have such wonderful people standing alongside me in this journey, and some of them don't even know how valuable they are in my life these days.

but God has my back. he knew the discoveries i'd be making, and called in exactly the right people to walk by my side as i discover and learn how to love this aspect of me,

sorry for being so ranty lately.
it's just part of who i am right now i suppose.
i hope you can find the beauty that i do in this new self discovery.

- ella faye

Christmas with Jay at L'Arche. That Man taught me a lot about unconditional love.

a tongue like yours should be burned and branded.

also p.s. ex boyfriends (namely max and kevin) this one is for you. you never have to worry about me forgetting about us.

]\\

- ella faye

my body has been claimed, soul has been shipped away.

so i'll be frank,

i'm not exactly all about the "literary classics"

i just think writing and fiction has developed a lot in the last 50 years, and that as the world become more literate, more writers are created, and so there are simply more options.

there is a reason Canadian Crusoes is not on this weeks best selling list.

i have to read this freaking book for tuesday for my children's lit class, but it's honestly the most boring book i've ever tried to read. it's like pulling teeth to get myself to read it, hence why i am writing this instead of reading.

don't get me wrong, i really love reading. just not lame books about stupid kids who can't find their way out of the forest (that description honestly makes the book seem way more thrilling than it actually is)

i have so many more important things than this dumb book. i want to find a job for next term, and do readings for other classes (well, maybe that one), and socialize with the first years on my floor.

ughhh.

such is life i suppose.

well, back to reading for now i suppose. i'm definitely ordering pizza later this evening.

- ella fayye

you sound like just a Judas.

max messaged me this week.
maybe that is one of the reasons i feel so insecure these days.

why does someone who treated me the way he did at the end of our relationship care how i am doing now?

well max, i'm doing great, amazing actually. Frankly, it's your loss that you refused to kiss me goodbye, because i'm a dang good kisser.

i fell for him harder than i wanted too, and i paid the price for it. maybe i will always be concerned about my current boyfriend's friends who are female, but i trusted max and he kissed someone else.

and if you're reading this, i really do you hope you find a girl that you can commit too. someone you're crazy about, and who is worth making effort for, even when it's not easy or convenient.

my life is just as crazy as ever, and i'm glad i've returned to sharing it.

- ella fayye

shooting stars, falling leaves.

as i relaunch my blog (yes, Jeff, likely because of you), i felt i should start with this poem i was given by a friend. my heart aches these days, and sometimes you need a reminder of the beauty of what love and life is. 

Every Girl Looks For

the Mr. Darcy to her Miss Elizabeth (someone to disagree with)

the Romeo to her Juliet (someone to runaway with)

the Ned to her Chuck (someone to love after death)

the Jack to her Rose (someone to die in the ocean with)

the Billy to her Penny (someone to share frozen yogurt with)

the Peter to her Wendy (someone to fly away with)

the Ron to her Hermione (someone to bicker with)

the Noah to her Allie (someone to never give up on)

the Booth to her Brennan (someone to be partners with)

the Wall-E to her Eve (someone to save the human-race with)

the Johnny to her Baby (someone to dance with)

the Castle to her Beckett (someone to solve mysteries with)

the Gilbert to her Anne (someone to compete with)

the Ross to her Rachel (someone to laugh with)

but when it comes right down to it,

all i need is you

a poem by Shannon Hawke

- ella faye