baby can you hear the message i am sending? (love me like the world is ending)

i know i'm not creative,

but boys are lame.

alongside the whole keegan drama, which has not been resolved, however, I can guarantee you 100% I will not be naming any of my daughters Victoria, because the name is ruined for me by Keegan's controlling, dramatic and obnoxious girlfriend. But that doesn't say all that much as I already was not a big fan of the name, it sounds to harsh, you know?

anyways, back to what I was saying. I developed a new mystery boy. He's great, exactly the kind of guy I could see myself with. He made me happy and feel safe, and we were developing quite the friendship. But he ruined it, he said something lame. I can't give anymore details because I refuse to give identifying information as enough people who are mutual friends read this blog that they might already know who I'm talking about.

Either way, on top of that, this is super selfish I know, but a good friend of mine is happily considering getting back together with her boyfriend (flashback to me and daniel), and unfortunately, I'm not his biggest fan (flashback to everyone's opinion of me and daniel), and I'm frustrated because I don't want to see her get hurt again (flashback to exactly what she told me about me and daniel), and since things with Daniel are so fine and dandy (I wish!), I just have concern.

Speaking of Daniel, I miss him. We're on speaking terms again sometimes, but hardly on a regular basis. I just miss having that best friend, who's been through everything with me. He would give me logic and understand about this whole Keegan thing, (probably not the mystery boy because that's a more touchy subject) and then I would feel better and understand better why this happened. Then he would take me out to Starbucks for a White Chocolate Mocha and we'd play pool by my rules (which allow me to take a second try anytime I say "oh no!")

I guess I'm just a little anti-man these days. Maybe I'll just hold off of boys until I apply to be on the Bachelor and win the rich guy. My seductress ways have not been successful with the last two mystery boys, but I haven't lost faith. I know I'm beautiful, hilarious and awesome. Someone else is bound to see that soontimes!

- ella faye

baby, i have no story to be told.

I think I got high off coughdrops today.

I took above the recommended dose of cepacol (that's intense stuff man) and let me explain:

I went to class to give my speech, jumped right into asking questions without saying hi to the prof (he laughed at me because he knew I was nervous, but it was kinda rude), I giggled like mad, I was all highstrung, then he told me I was too nice to be a Don. I laughed and said I was a mean Don (i'm not really, but I do make sure people follow the rules), and that I've been known to be called "Elisabitch" (true story). He laughed, I laughed, but, in hindsight, probably not a good move to explain to a prof right before he grades me. I do the speech, I thought I did pretty well, but I missed some important points, oh well, life goes on. Then, about two speeches after mine, I crashed. I feel tired, have a headache and couldn't focus. It's like a throat lozenge hangover man!

Now, i'm "listening" to my uneducated, overconfident prof, who actually reduced to just throwing out words with no logical cohesiveness this class ("Logic, Leader, Spirit.. You know what I me?" "No, I don't know what you mean, make sentences please"). And then later I get to watch Ghostbusters to write a paper on it for this class. I have a lolz life today.

It's a good thing I'm too busy to care about the whole Keegan thing. I know he's upset about how I told him I was hurt, and then that maybe we should have a little space for a while. He knows I don't love his girlfriend, but I deal with all her drama and she makes him upset all the time, and I just sit and listen and try and help him make it better. But, he is supposed to be my friend and stick with me no matter what. I was in his life before her, and I will be there after her, so why does she still manage to trump me in every way possible!? Ugh. Boys are lame.

But you know what, after class I'll pop another few lozenges and I won't even care anymore!

- ella faye

the city's changing, cause we are changing.

right now, I am just feeling plain devastated.

remember my bff Keegan? well, he did end up letting me down.

Keegan means the world to me, and I could never have asked for a better friend. But, his girlfriend has changed everything around, and she's slowly weening me out of his life.

He was supposed to come and visit me overnight this weekend, just for the one evening. I don't get to see him often, and I was really looking forward to a visit. But, he just texted me saying even though Vicki had initially agreed, she had changed her mind and now it's a no go.

I just wish I could have my best friend back. This is so lame.

Sorry for being a bum today, tomorrow will be better, Sarah is dropping by to see me, and Chris will watch the Bachelorette with me. It'll be nice to invest time in friends who invest it back.

Sometimes these lessons get learned the hard way. lamelamelamelamelame.

love and miss these girlies.

- ella faye

it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.

Member that time, when I said I would improve my work ethic?

I didn't happen,
aha.

Well, It kinda has, I mean, I have been working really hard on my speech due Wednesday, about why I disagree with the use of Turnitin.com and how come students should avoid using it when alternate methods are offered.

I think I'm totally on a roll, and I think I make a really convincing argument.

However, that doesn't help the fact that I have a monster midterm tomorrow and I haven't even cracked the textbook. lamelamelamelamelame.

But. I want to tell you a completely silly and ridiculous story that made my day yesterday.

Andrea wasn't the only person baptized yesterday, and one little girl who may have changed my life.

In her story about her life, and how she came to follow God, she mentioned being totally terrified of geese.

I had to let out a little laugh as she said this, and a friend of mine said to me "It's like she's reading an insert from your blog!" (you can see the post he was referencing here)

This girl could not have been older than 13, and she was talking about her fear of geese, and how when she prayed once, the geese just all peaced out and she could walk where ever she was going in peace.

Super lame and hilarious story, with super huge meaning. I love it, it's like the story of my life.

I am not alone, in my fear of geese, or, anything else for that matter.

And God has control of even the most minor details of my life, because even the most trivial things can be a big deal in my life.

I am so, so blessed. Also, I'm super glad this fear of geese thing is being brought to light.

If the fear of geese is affecting your everyday life, click here for a great guide on how to avoid attacks from geese. this is serious people. follow these instructions, so far this year, I have not had any dangerous encounters.

now, back to studying!

- ella faye

you make me feel like i am home again.

oh heyyy.

so, it's another stressful week for me, with a test on tuesday and my speech on thursday, my stress level is a little high these days.

which is exactly why i needed my wonderful biffle jeff and my outstanding roommate Ainsley to come visit me this weekend. and to celebrate the baptism of a dear friend of mine Andrea. 

First, Jeff visited me to celebrate his nineteenth birthday. After shopping for club wear with Megan, making cute decorate mugs and playing a couple of mean games of euchre (which we won, obviously) he and I decided it was time to hit up the nightclub. We danced the night away, and it was super funtimes.

What I loved is that we just danced, innocently and wildly. We were not looking to "hook up" or attention from anyone, and we were not trying to behave as though we were anything more than friends. It was just pure, sweet and unhindered fun. A part from the fact he kept falling off the couch in my room waking me up through the night, his visit was perfect, and I miss him already!

then I was presently surprised by a visit from my old roommate Ainsley, who listened to me rant about boys and made me tea for when I got up in the morning. She soothes my soul and makes my world peaceful, I was glad to have her around.

Then, this morning, my friend Andrea was baptized. Afterwards we celebrated at her house, where her hilarious Romanian mother fed me so much food that I might have actually stretched out my stomach. It was so so so delicious though, I am currently looking into being adopted by her family.

I'm so thankful to be surrounded with so many people that I love so much. I have no shortage of love or laughter in my life, and I really can't help but feel overwhelmed with this blessing.

I haven't had an easy life, and I'm by no means going through an easy time, but I can recognize the support that surrounds me each and every day of my life, and I don't want to overlook this incredible gift.

I may not have a father to celebrate last sunday, but I have the most wonderful friends to celebrate everyday.

This include you! This blog has become a huge part of my life and I'm thankful for you for taking interest in my thoughts and feelings. You rock, and you bring a smile to my face each time you check my page.

I'm proud of myself for being able to look at the positives in my life, in spite of the stressors and hurts that are still so present.

thank you so, so much.

- ella faye

this territory goes uncharted.

don't get me wrong,

i love kids.

but I've found as I've gotten older that I don't know what to do with them.

this is my dilemma with Emma and Owen, my potential future step-brother and step-sister. 

They're fine kids, Emma loves barbies and music and can sing along to every Rihanna and Selena Gomez song, and Owen "pwns n00bs" at video games.  (that's right guys, I know the "lingo" bahaha)

But, I know what is okay and what isn't with my brothers. I can watch youtube videos with Bry and not worry about the level of appropriateness, he is in highschool afterall (I was corrupted by then, and if he wasn't before, he is now thanks to me), and Jared has quick wit and a sharp tongue. I know I can tease ad insult him and he will take it like a champ (and then proceed to come up with a remark to get me back when I least expect it.)

I don't feel like I can tease and taunt Emma and Owen, after all, they are pretty much still strangers.

I feel like I just sit around and look at them. It's like, when a 13 year old boy gets to hold someone's baby and it totally freaks them out and they just hold it like it's a small grotesque alien. With the exception that I don't hold Emma and Owen, I just awkwardly stand and look at them.

Maybe I'm a robot, and can't intake this new information! Or, what if my life is like the Truman Show, and this is all planned out, and they picked awkward children that I won't ever be able to figure out. Maybe they don't like my mom and will try and get rid of her through me. Maybe they love my mom but will try and eliminate her real children! Maybe they love me and will cling to me and I will have to forfeit my whole social life to make them happy! Maybe I should start looking up Barbie and Selena Gomez so I have some sort of Idea what to talk about, I mean, I'm already working on my COD skills, so that one is covered for Owen.

Okay, deep breaths, I know I'm being ridiculous. I just don't even know how to handle this new family dynamic! Seriously, I always wanted a sister, and now I'm freaking terrified of her. 

Right now, my life movie would be titled "awkward attack of the potentially alien siblings."

I think it has potential, this could be the next blockbuster!

the Kuna community in Panama 2007

- ella faye

i'm not drowning (there's no one here to save)

it's funny to me that people get so wiled up about certain topics.

abortion
gay rights
women in ministry
divorce

religion and culture clash so strongly in some of these topics that it can ruin friendships, cause riots and break hearts.

(sidenote: excuse me as I get back up on my pedestal)

don't get me wrong. I love God, consummately, with my whole being. I've lived through heart break, abuse, near poverty, the death of a parent and a lot of prejudice. I don't think for one second I've made it through on my own strength, because many times I have felt overwhelmed and torn down.

But, I also think it's not my role to judge. God kinda speaks about how he's the only one who can judge people, so like, is it even my job to care what other people think? I don't really think so.

Which is why I find philosophical debates both interesting and frustrating. I don't mind speaking out on my own opinion, which is hardly the norm for my church group, but also I don't think shocking or controversial, but I also don't like being told I'm not a "good enough christian" or "living my life for God".

It hurts my feelings! I don't think the people who know me doubt my faith, or doubt my love for God, so why should they care if we don't totally agree!

I've been told on a few occasions that mindsets like mine that go against the literal translation of certain bible verses is what cause division in the church, which hurts me so deeply. I don't want to see division in the church, it's tragic! I  can accept that everyone is different, and can accept that fact. I don't think it's my way of going against the grain that causes division, I think it's the mindset that everyone needs to agree because a certain translation is "right" and there can be no other interpretations of that.

My world is shades of grey. I'm not perfect, and so I can't say what is right and wrong. I hardly know what's right and wrong for me all the time, never mind for other people!

I'm sorry if that's an upset, or if you judge me for it, but do my opinions effect your everyday life? If people had never asked me, they'd have never even known!

I just feel like there is so many huge issues in the world that I'm sure we generally agree on.

World Poverty.
Child Slavery.
Family Violence.

I get so frustrated at the idea that we all agree on these things, but do nothing about it, while people picket and fight against letting two women get married in a church. What wasted energy!

Ugh.

I guess Im just feeling passionate these days. I want to love everyone, I want no one to hurt, and I want to make a big difference in some of the issues I'm passionate about. But, I also want support from my friends, family and church in the process - whether or not we always agree on the same things.

- ella faye